Twist Me by Mia Monroe

Grey

“Now or…?”

“Yes. Now. Unless you’re tired or you don’t want to.”

“I want to.” He smiles. “I definitely want to. I just want to make sure you’ve thought it through and you’re not doing it for any other reason than your own interest.”

“I think it’s really beautiful and sensual.” Still with my hand on the smooth wood column, I shift my eyes to him. “I want to feel it.”

“What if we tried something simple?” Mitsu suggests, his voice soft and encouraging.

“Like what?”

“Your hand. Not bound to anything else. Just the ropes on your skin so you can experience it.”

I close my eyes as mixed emotions fly at me.

“What are you feeling, Grey? Let’s talk through it.”

“Nervous and scared, but also...curious. Excited.”

His lips spread into a subtle smile. “There is a fine line between excitement and anxiety, isn’t there?”

I nod.

“But all you need to know is I would never harm you. If you don’t like it, I immediately stop. You’re in control, Grey. Not me.”

My eyes shift to his. “How is that true? You’ve got the ropes.”

“But I am at your command. I will only do what you wish.”

Swallowing hard, I nod. It takes me a few minutes of silence to process everything. He does that for me, creating a space where I can just feel through things. He doesn’t push me to speak before I can. He doesn't push anything at all. I examine my thoughts, finally deciding that only talking will help me get over this hurdle.

“I’m scared, Mitsu, but I really want to feel it.”

He nods. “Tell me what scares you the most?”

“I-I don’t know. Maybe the unknown? Maybe that I won’t like it and I’ll disappoint you.”

“You could never disappoint me for that, Grey. Never. It’s not for everyone. You very well may hate it. That’s okay. Then we’ll know this is not a way we’ll spend time together.”

“I want to like it,” I whisper.

“Why?”

“It’s beautiful. I want to feel beautiful.”

Mitsu’s eyes soften. “You already are beautiful. Stunning, really, but if you need to feel it, I would be honored to be the person who gives you that. Should we try your hand and see how it feels?”

I nod. “Yes.” The word leaving my lips sends a shiver through me. It’s just my hand. I can do this.

Mitsu walks over to his wall of hanging ropes and chooses the black. When he returns, he motions to the pillows at my feet. I sit, exhaling slowly to relax. I feel stupid being so nervous over something so simple, but this is new territory for me.

Mitsu sits across from me, setting the rope in his lap. My eyes catalogue every graceful movement. Mitsu moves like an elegant ballet dancer, but he’s not delicate at all. He’s the embodiment of strength and peace and beauty. Sitting across from me shirtless, I notice the sculpted muscles of his arms, the veins trailing his flesh, the soft flex when he moves. I want to touch him so much that it’s almost painful not to, but I wouldn’t know what to do next if I did. What would it feel like if he touched me back? Would his arms make me feel safe or suffocate me? Would he see my body as something to be admired or something to fear?

“Grey?”

His voice cuts through my thoughts. “Yes?”

“Are you sure? Your breathing is very shallow.”

“Oh.” I exhale slowly. “I was just in my head. I’m good.”

“May I have your hand?”

I look at my left hand before raising it and stretching it out in the space between us. Mitsu scoots closer, sitting cross-legged so his knees are touching mine. I can handle that. In fact, it’s nice being this close to him. I want to kiss him again, but deeper. I don’t want his hand only on my neck. I want it everywhere.

“Thank you,” he says, gently taking it. His hand is warm, the skin softer than I would have thought from all his strenuous work with the ropes.

“What do you do for fitness?” I ask in an attempt to stop my chaotic thoughts.

“Yoga.” He’s still just holding my hand, turning it over, studying it.

“Yoga?”

He nods. “I find it extremely centering while still building strength and flexibility.”

“You don’t use weights?”

“Just the weight of my body.”

“Maybe I should try that. I hate the gym, but I like what it does for my body.”

He nods. “I know an excellent studio near here. Group classes and private instruction.”

“Cool.” My breath hitches when Mitsu drags his finger across the lines on my palm.

“Does my touch upset you?”

“No. I’m just…not used to being touched much. By design. I’ve mentioned it.”

“You have. Do you want to talk about that with me?”

Do I? Could I without telling him why?

“Maybe. Not right now.”

“I respect that. If you don’t know yet, I’m a safe place for you, Grey.”

His words cause a reaction in me that leaves me nearly breathless. It’s like he knows the first number of the combination to the lock on my soul. It rolls over and clicks into place. Does he know the other numbers? Could he unlock me?

“I…believe you.” My breath catches in my throat. “I do.”

“Good. I’m going to start wrapping your hand. I’ll go up to your elbow. Is that okay?”

“Yes.”

Mitsu starts at my pinky, wrapping slowly, simultaneously focused on his task and my reaction to it. The ropes are softer on my skin than I imagined and, so far, it’s not uncomfortable at all. He continues entwining each finger and then my palm before starting up my arm. The only sound between us is soft breathing. Wisps of Mitsu’s hair hang down, tickling my skin. The feeling sends shivers of electricity through me in a pleasant way I wasn’t expecting. I find myself leaning into him, inhaling the floral yet masculine scent wafting around him. Being close to him is like slowly, willingly, being sucked into a vortex of want.

Want to touch.

Want to feel.

Want to taste.

Want more.

If I were more confident, I would reach out and brush the hair from his face, letting my hand slide down his neck to his chest. I would lean in and take his mouth. I would explore all the curves and edges of his body. I would beg him to make love to me, but the thought of those words leaving my mouth is paralyzing. I don’t even know if he wants me that way.

“Mitsu?”

“Yes?”

“Are you...um...gay, I guess? Or bi or...” I shrug. “I mean, obviously you’re open to men, but…”

He stops his work, his hands pausing mid-movement. It takes him a second to gaze up at me. From the look on his face, I’m worried if I’ve offended him.

“Excellent question,” he begins. “I’m into people. Energy. Vibration. I find that I am attracted to people on levels that have nothing to do with gender or sex.”

I swallow hard, trying to push down the ball of emotion in my throat. “What? You mean that?”

“I do. I thought I was straight for most of my youth. I never had a reason to question it until I left home. I experienced the world through new eyes. I met people who drew me to them for different reasons. I’ve dated men, women, nonbinary, and genderfluid too.”

“Transgender?”

“Yes. Twice. A trans woman and a trans man.”

Oh my god.

“That’s amazing,” I whisper, unable to project my voice. I normally don’t share this until I’m sure romance is on the table, but he has kissed me twice, so…

“I am.”

“Are what?” Mitsu asks.

“Transgender.”

I wait for him to recoil, to look shocked, to release my hand, but instead, his features soften and he smiles.

“Thank you for sharing that part of you with me. I suspect you don’t often.”

I shake my head. “I don’t. I’m not ashamed of it. I just don’t want it to be the thing that people think about. Oh, that’s Grey, he’s transgender. I want them to see me as I am.”

“I think we all want that. Did my sexual orientation make you feel safe telling me?”

“Um...maybe? I thought you might get it better than some.”

“I do.” He continues wrapping my arm. “Does that part of you have anything to do with your aversion to touch?”

I think about his question for a few seconds. I’ve discussed it during therapy, but the only other person I’ve told about it is Mac. When my eyes meet Mitsu’s again, though, a sense of safety and comfort falls over me like a soft blanket.

“Yes. Kind of. In therapy I learned that my discomfort with the body I was born in made physical affection difficult. I wasn’t raised in an affectionate home either. Great parents, but not touchy.”

“How do you feel in the body you have now?”

“So good. I used to dream about it as a child. I would try to see myself as a boy before I understood what it all meant. I cut my hair off numerous times, until my mom finally asked me why I didn’t want long hair. I was terrified, but when I was eleven, I told her that I was a boy inside of a girl’s body.”

“How did she take it?”

“Surprisingly well. She and my dad are pretty chill people. As teens they let us experiment with alcohol and weed at home so they could help us learn to imbibe responsibly. She told me she thought I was gay, and I said I was, but I was attracted to guys. We sat down that night and told my dad. It was a little harder on him, but mostly because he saw me as his youngest daughter. He eventually embraced me as his son. We went to group therapy and then family therapy so my brothers and sister could understand.”

“Did they?”

“Pretty much. It’s been a long time now, so it’s not really a thing anymore. It took a summer to get used to my new pronouns and my name. Now they just treat me like their brother, Grey.”

“You transitioned as a teen?”

“In parts. After therapy my parents supported my decision for puberty blockers. The idea of growing breasts or having a period was horrifying to me. When I would think about it, I would have panic attacks and, sometimes, I would hurt myself.”

“How?”

His voice is so soft it lures more words out of me.

“Cutting. When my parents told me I could move forward in my transition, it was lifesaving. Truly. I’m so thankful to them. I was on the blockers but still presenting as female outside the home. Over time, it wasn’t enough. They enrolled me in a new school so I could just be me there. Over the summer I cut my hair, bought clothes that excited me, and basically became Grey to the external world. Over the years, there’s been lots of therapy, hormones, and some medical procedures, but here I am. The man I was always meant to be.”

“If I may note, your demeanor is entirely different once you begin discussing your transition.”

I smile. “It was joyful for me. Yes, it was hard, and there were times I resented being born the way I was, but becoming who I am today was like experiencing magic. I had it easier than many others in my position. I had a supportive family and resources to get the care I needed, but that isn’t the case for a lot of people. I give back by speaking to groups. Sometimes it’s parent groups. Sometimes it’s youth groups. I want them to see what’s possible.” I smile. “It’s the only time I can bury my shyness.”

I look down, realizing Mitsu has been wrapping my arm in intricate knots the whole time we’ve been speaking. I must’ve zoned out.

“But outside of those groups, I struggle. I’m shy and afraid of a negative reaction from people I might be interested in dating, even though nothing bad has ever happened to me really. I’m a generally anxious person, and I read stories and know people who have had bad things happen. I guess that’s why I feel a strong need to control my environment.”

“That’s why the ropes scare you. Loss of control.”

“Yes. Being restrained sounds terrifying.”

“It would be in the wrong circumstances. Trust is so important in what I do. I’m honored you trusted me enough to open up a little.” Silence falls over us for a few seconds. “How does this feel?”

Extending my arm, I study it. There are knots every inch or so down the length of my arm, ending in a beautiful design on my hand. “It’s stunning, Mitsu. So beautiful.”

“Fitting. Stunning. Beautiful.”

My eyes move up to his. “Thank you.”

His brow furrows. “I called you beautiful. Does that adjective bother you?”

“No. I don’t mind traditionally feminine terms. It’s like Felix always says—adjectives are gender neutral. A lot of things with no gender at all are beautiful.” I laugh. “My hair is long now because it’s my best feature. It’s thick, and it grows so fast it was hard to keep it short, so I grew it out. Some of my features still have a slight feminine edge to them, but it’s more balanced now. It’s fine though. This is my face.”

“It’s a very nice face, Grey.” He holds my wrapped hand in his. “Why do you say you have feminine features?”

I shrug. “People always say my mouth is feminine and my nose is delicate.”

He smiles. “I’ve seen plenty of men with full lips and sweet noses. Those features can be masculine too, obviously.”

“True. I guess I’ve just accepted society will always want to gender things, even inanimate things like clothes. I actually love how Felix is like ‘fuck you, world and your gender norms.’ He doesn’t care how people perceive his gender or sexuality. He just does what makes him happy.”

“So do you.”

I nod. “Mostly, yeah.”

We’re quiet for a few moments before Mitsu speaks. “Does your willingness to tell me about your history, to let me touch you, mean that I could be someone you’re interested in dating?”

My mouth falls open. “Um…”

“Because after spending the time together we have, I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to tell you that I would be interested in that with you.”

My eyes widen.

“I feel you, Grey, in my bones. Your energy speaks to me, and I’m drawn to you in ways I haven’t yet defined. There is an age difference. I don’t know if we’ll find ourselves in the same season of wants and desires, but I know that I feel wonderful whenever you’re around me, and I want to explore that.”

“You want...that w-with me? Me?”

“Yes, you. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because you’re so...you.”

“I thought you suspected my wooing. All my invites for talks and showing up at group outings to have another chance to talk to you were obvious, I thought.”

“Probably to most people. I thought you were just trying to be friends.”

“I am. All the best relationships start there, don’t they?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never been in one.”

Mitsu tilts his head. “A relationship?”

“Yeah. Shy, remember? Plus, what’s beneath the surface is not what men are expecting.”

He nods. “Your body is a work of art, Grey.”

“You haven’t seen all of it.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s yours and that’s enough for me. All bodies have unique qualities.”

I search his eyes, looking for something that would make me feel safe enough to bare myself to him. I want to so badly.

“Would you be against…” Mitsu pauses, scooting slightly closer. “Would you allow another kiss?”

My body immediately heats, like opening an oven and being hit with a hot blast of air. My heart rate kicks up and my mouth feels dry.

“Please. God, please.”

Mitsu smiles. “Anything I shouldn’t touch?”

I shake my head. “No.”

Mitsu’s hand snakes under my hair, gently resting on the back of my neck. As he moves closer, my eyes focus on his lips until I close them, waiting for him to make contact. When he does, the softness of his lips, the sweetness of his kiss, draws a smile from me. I part my lips, inviting him in, and he accepts, his warm tongue twisting with mine. I lean into him, chasing his taste, losing myself in the sensation. I find myself moving closer until I’m on my knees between his legs, head bent down as my fingers find purchase in his silky locks. Mitsu wraps his arms around me, stroking my back and then resting them on my waist. The sensation of being this close to him sends shockwaves through my entire being. My body is over stimulated, my mind drifting to a happy place rarely visited. Kissing Mitsu settles the storm of insecurity and anxiety within me, leaving me with a sense of belonging I’ve longed for.

When his hands move to my ass, I’m torn between wanting more and needing to tell him the rest. I don’t want to break the moment, but the worst thing I could do is startle him with the news when the clothes have come off.

“Mitsu…” I murmur on his lips.

“Shh, my sweet. Relax. I won’t push for more. Not tonight. Not until you’re ready.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back emotion. How does he know what I’m thinking? How is he so attuned to me? People who have known me for years haven’t been able to tap into me as well as he does. It’s both the most comforting and frightening feeling I’ve ever had.

“I’m enjoying how you feel in my arms, Grey. You belong here. Do you feel it?”

I lean back slightly, searching his eyes for the truth in his words. “I do.” The words are out of me before I can think them through. “I want to tell you something.”

“Anything.”

“Two things.”

“Please.”

I settle on my heels, my arms still around his neck. “Ok, um. I’m not built the way cis-gender men are.”

“I didn’t expect you to be.”

“Right. Um, I guess it can be a shock if you’re expecting a more traditional sex organ. I have—”

“Do you want to reveal the anatomical specifics to me right now? Because it’s not an issue for me or a deal breaker. I want you, Grey, all of you. Every inch. I want you no matter what you tell me next. Whatever your anatomy, it’s yours, so it’s precious to me. If you still feel like you want to talk about it, I’ll give you the space to do so. I just want you to know where I’m at.”

“Gah, are you even real?”

He smiles. “Very.”

Smiling, I nod, even as my eyes well up. “I like you, Mitsu. A lot.”

“I like you too, Grey.”

“I want to do more, but um, the second thing you should know about me is that, um, I’m sort of a virgin.”

“Sort of?”

“In this body. I haven’t had sex since my transition.”

“Oh.” He tilts his head, his brow furrowed. “May I ask why?”

“I haven’t met anyone who made me feel safe and accepted enough. I don’t like to reveal my history up front. I used to, thinking it was the right thing to do, but men would fetishize me sometimes. They would ask me personal questions and want pictures before we even met in person. A few times it felt threatening. So I sort of withdrew from dating. I had so many other things to focus on anyway. I wanted to learn how to be a great artist. I wanted to move out on my own and be the Grey I was in my head. I had more therapy and treatments to go through. I felt like I needed to focus on myself more than dating.”

He nods. “But you had sex before your transition?”

“I did. It was weird.” I laugh softly. “I sort of had this moment of panic that I would never feel anything again in my new body. Unfounded, but that’s where I was at the time.”

“Ah.”

“I was too young, but there was a boy at school who I knew liked me. I asked him if he would and we did. It was terrible, honestly.” We both laugh. “But it was mission accomplished for me. I woke up the next morning and knew that part of me was over for good. I felt so disconnected to my body during it, but I was happy I did it. It helped me close the door on Bethany.”

“Bethany?”

“My given birth name. Greyden is the name my parents were going to give me had I been a boy. It’s a family name.” I smile. “I am a boy, so I chose it. We legally changed it when I was sixteen.”

“I like the name very much. I thought you were named Grey for the color of your eyes. Sometimes blue, sometimes gray.”

Smiling, I glance down at my rope-wrapped hand. “I guess you know the important things now.”

“Those things are important, yes, but I have a feeling it’s just a scratch on the surface. Your sexual status is important. Your gender history, also important.” He lifts my bare hand and kisses the palm. “But there is more to you than those things, yes?”

My brow furrows. “Um, yes.”

“Of course. Just like there’s more to me than my sexual status and my gender history. There’s even more to me than Shibari.”

I laugh as he winks at me.

“I would love to learn those things about you and teach you those things about me. But let me state my intention, Grey. I want you to trust me. I want you to want me as much as I desire you. I want you to crave my kiss. My touch. I want you in all the ways there are to want a person.”

I start to speak, but Mitsu’s hand roams down my back. “You are so sexy. So stunning. So beautifully vulnerable balanced in your strength and fragility. Your masculine energy sings to my soul, igniting a fire I haven’t felt in a long time.”

“What does that mean?”

Mitsu smiles, but it’s tinged with something I’m not used to seeing in him. Insecurity, maybe?

“I haven’t dated in a long time. I haven’t been with a man for many years now. I’ve always been open to it, as I said, but I rarely find a connection that pulls me into someone the way I feel with you.” We’re both silent for a few seconds. “Sex to me is sacred. It’s the ultimate act of connection and intimacy. I don’t take it lightly. I’m very selective on who I choose to share such an act with. Grey…”

His words trail off, leaving me hanging on them for more.

“I hope you and I will connect in that way. I’m attracted to you on a level that moves me. I will consider myself a lucky man if you return my attraction.”

“Come on, Mitsu. You talk about how beautiful I am? You’re unreal. The minute I saw you, I was floored, but I never thought you could be interested in me.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “I guess age, partly. You’re so worldly and chill. I’m high-strung and sheltered.”

He chuckles. “You don’t seem very sheltered to me.”

“But high-strung?”

His fingers brush across my cheek, and I don’t flinch. “No. Rightly cautious of the world around you, but, my sweet Grey, you are safe here. So safe.”

“I think I know that. Like my soul knows it. I feel good here.”

“I’m happy then.”