Giving Away by Lola King

CHAPTER 2

‘I’m only human, can’t you see?

I made a mistake’

Never Be Like You – Flume, kai

Jamie

I wake up to the smell of coffee and slowly open my eyes. I instantly feel the comfort of my own bed mixed with the reassuring scent of Nathan. I stretch and turn where I can feel him standing. I wasn’t expecting the look of deep concern on his face.

“Morning,” I yawn. I sit up and take the cup of coffee he’s handing out. He sits on the edge of my bed, facing me. “Thanks for the coffee. Much needed.”

He carefully puts a strand of chocolate hair behind my ear. “We need to talk about last night,” he simply says, his voice smooth and reassuring.

That’s what Nathan does; treat me like a porcelain doll he could break at any moment if he spoke too loudly or moved too fast. That’s why he always treats me with care, and why he can’t get himself to take my virginity. We’ve given each other orgasms, and lord knows they’re amazing ones, but he just won’t take that last step. He’s just too scared to break me, scared I’ll regret it and he’ll have to live with the guilt.

I don’t want to talk about last night. I don’t want to talk about Jake’s state of fury, about Beth pouring a bowl of punch over me, and mainly…about that kiss. The kiss.

I stare at him. His glasses framing his beautiful face, his messy hair not yet in a sleek bun. My eyes run along his topless ripped body, his artistic tattoos, and his gorgeous eyes I want to drown in. I love him. I told Jake I loved Nathan. I’m sure I do.

Then why did I let this happen yesterday?

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I reply in a small voice.

I burn my tongue on the hot coffee to avoid having to say anything else. I need time to think before telling him what happened. I know I will tell him because I won’t be able to live with the guilt. I just don’t know how yet.

I don’t even recognize myself. I’ve always been a rule follower, always tried to do right by people. I know I’m not perfect and I know I like to put up a goody-two-shoes persona because, up until now, I didn’t really know who else I was, who else I could be.

Is this who I am? A girl who plays games and cheats? Saying I’m disappointed with myself is an understatement. And yet, I still wouldn’t change what happened yesterday.

“‘Me,” he sighs. “I don’t want to be that kind of boyfriend, asking what you’ve been up to and demanding explanations…but the state you were in last night…something happened to you and I want to know what. If you’re in trouble I need to know.”

His voice is soft and reassuring but I’m not ready to get into this.

“It’s nothing,” I reply.

“For fuck’s sake, Jamie.” He gets up annoyed and grabs his dirty blond hair between his fingers, bringing it all back as he combs through it. His biceps are bulging, and I sense he’s trying to contain his anger.

He grabs my stained dress on the floor next to the bed and points at it, holding it with a white-knuckled hand.

“This is not nothing.” He grabs the sticky, messy ends of my hair and points at the bits hardened by the dried punch. “This is not nothing. The state you were in…and don’t think I didn’t notice you’d been crying. Your face was a fucking mess.”

He grabs the coffee cup from my hands and puts it down on the bedside table, hard enough to spill some of the liquid. He grabs my hands roughly. “This, Jamie, is not fucking nothing.”

I look down at my arms. My wrists are dotted with light grey bruises. I knew Jake held me hard. I didn’t realize how hard.

I’m trembling when Nathan lets go of my hands. “Oh my God,” I whisper to myself.

Nathan gets up from the bed and looks at me with cold, hard eyes. “And I’m not even bringing up the guy that was running after you. I’ll be in the living room for when you’re ready to tell me what the fuck happened.”

He leaves the room and I know it’s because he doesn’t want to take his anger out on me.

The guy that was running after me. I let the scene flash in my head, Jake running after me, Nathan coming out of his car to open the passenger door in the pouring rain. ‘Was this guy bothering you?’ he asked. I lied, of course I lied because I’m a liar. ‘No, it’s fine,’ I said. ‘I just want to go home.’ Nathan’s voice changed when he replied to me. It was tainted with that deep rage I know he can get in. With the promise of causing pain like he did when Dimitri attacked me at the coffee shop. ‘You stay here. You don’t move from this car, clear?’ I don’t know what he said to Jake. I’m just glad he didn’t do to him the same he did to Dimitri.

I have to clear things up with Nathan. I have to tell him the truth. Put this all behind us. Accept the consequences. My stomach tightens at the idea of Nathan breaking up with me for what I did. He would be in the right…but I care for him. I don’t want to be without him.

I take a deep shaky breath and pull off the covers. My top smells of Nathan’s soapy scent and my insides twist in guilt.

When I walk into my living area, I see him sitting on the sofa, tapping on his phone and sending texts. I walk around the sofa and stand in front of him. He looks up and spreads his legs so I can come in-between them. His face is lined up with my neck and for once I’m the one who has to look down.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Sorry for what?” he asks confused as he puts his phone away.

“For what I’m about to say and for not saying it to you before.”

He frowns at me and I take a shallow breath, trying my best to stop the tears that threaten to fall anytime.

“Jamie, what’s wrong?”

I don’t know how to tell him.

I was bullied at school, but it turns out I actually kind of like it. It turns me on and I’m really into the guy who’s doing it to me.

Or should I start with I cheated on you with the guy who bullied me. We played a dangerous game and I lost. I like the bruises he left on me. I like when he possesses. He makes me feel alive.

I can’t. I can’t do it. I’m a hypocrite. A liar. A cheat.

I’m facing a man who I know loves me, who saved my life, who is perfect. He is worried for me and in return all I have to offer him is lies and disappointment. And inevitably, heartbreak.

Just start from the beginning and be honest.

“At school,” I start, and I’ve never felt like such a kid in front of him.

“Yes?” he insists.

“I think,” I shift on my feet suddenly feeling uncomfortable. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to admit what Jake or Camila or Beth have been doing to me. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. It’s the part of my game with Jake that I hate.

“‘Me,” he grabs my hands in a reassuring gesture, “you know you can tell me anything.”

“I think that maybe…maybe I’m being bullied,” I finally blurt out and a single tear crosses the barrier that is my eyelid. I quickly wipe it away.

His face hardens and he pulls me closer to him. “How bad?”

I shake my head because there is no way in hell I will ever say in detail what happened.

“I don’t know what bad is like, it had never happened to me before.”

I’m sure some girls have had it worse. Some kids are bullied and don’t fall for their tormentor. Isn’t that how bullying works?

“Who? That guy from yesterday?” I can see his jaw clenching, his nostrils flaring and his sentences shortening with anger.

“Yes, and ultimately his ex.”

“The bruises, is that him?”

I can barely nod yes. “But–”

“And the dress?”

“The typical mean girls poured punch on me. Listen–”

“How long has this been going on?”

“It started this year. Nathan–”

He suddenly gets up and looks down at me. “He’s a dead man.”

“No,” I shake my head. “There is no way you’re getting involved in this.”

Especially with how he got with Dimitri. I might hate Jake but the deepest, darkest part of me also likes him and cares for him and I don’t want to see him get hurt.

“No? Did I sound like you had a say in this?”

“You’re not getting involved in this,” I repeat with a voice of steel.

Why am I protecting Jake? After everything he’s done, all the humiliation. He ripped panties off me, he brought Camila’s wrath on me, they destroyed the café where I work. He threatened me, blackmailed me, he put a gun to my face, he’s ruining my senior year completely. Worse, he made me feel good when I wanted so badly not to feel anything. He pushed pleasure on me I didn’t want or expect, turned my body against my mind.

And I liked it.

“Don’t worry, I don’t need your help. I’ll find him.”

“Nathan,” I scold.

He goes around me to leave the room and I grab his arm.

“You can’t do that! I’m asking you to respect my choice. I don’t want this to go any further.”

He turns around suddenly and grabs my shoulders. “He hurt you, Jamie. Do you understand that? This is not some high school fun. You’re bruised and hurt. Anyone who touches my girl faces the consequences. Period.”

“What did you say to him yesterday? When you left the car?”

“Nothing!” he exclaims. “I was stupid, I asked why he was running after you and he said he wanted to check if you were okay.” He starts pacing the room. “Why didn’t you say anything there and then, I would have done something!”

“I kissed him,” I admit.

There’s a long, blood-freezing silence and I can’t seem to be able to breathe.

“Last night?” he asks for confirmation.

I nod.

“Yeah, well looking at your state, forgive me if I still think it’s all on him,” he growls.

“I let him kiss me, Nathan, I-I pushed him away but only after I let him close,” I say as a sob wrecks my chest. I can’t describe it, it simply breaks my heart to break his heart.

Jake might have done his worst to me, but there are times I could have pushed him away and I didn’t. I enjoyed it instead.

“I sent the wrong signals,” I admit, wiping tears off my face.

“Guys like him will fuck with your head to get what they want, Jamie. But thanks for adding kissing my girl to the list of things I should fuck him up for.”

“Don’t do this. I’m the one who has to deal with him at school after you’ve nicely redone his face! I’m the one he’s going to come to for revenge. You can’t be with me at all times to stop that. Please, Nathan…you need to understand.”

If Nathan hurts him, Jake will hate me. I don’t want Jake to hate me. I don’t want Jake’s fury, I don’t want the true scary side of him.

I’m confused, is he not mad at me? I let Jake kiss me.

“Fuck. You’re scared of him,” he huffs in disbelief.

“Of course I am!” I shout. “He’s made my life a living hell since the beginning of the year!”

Jake scares me, that’s the most exciting thing between us. The unpredictability of it all while knowing that he likes me too much to truly hurt me.

“Then let me deal with him,” he hisses through gritted teeth.

I shake my head again. “No.”

He lets out a grunt of rage and I grab his hands. I know this is driving him crazy, but he needs to understand my point. “Please. I told him I was seeing someone. I told him this couldn’t keep going last night. He got angry but he left me alone. It’s over,” I conclude more to reassure myself than him.

Last night was a big mistake. I don’t know if I thought I could be friends with Jake or if I was just too deep into our cat and mouse game to make rational decisions, but I should have never gone to the ball with him. I should have never followed him to the cafeteria. I should have never allowed him to get this close. For the first time I truly fought back. After months of letting him play with me, I finally told him my first ‘no’. And Jake proved to be simply dangerous.

All those months he bullied me he was in control. When he loses that control, he’s lethal and even I couldn’t bring him back. I don’t want this. I shouldn’t want this. Last night was the end of whatever was going on between me and him.

“If anything else happens, anything, he’s dead.” Nathan’s voice is a confirmation that he’s the one I should be around. He’s always there for me, he’s my protector, he’s my guardian angel.

“Nothing will happen. I promise.”

“I trusted you, ‘Me…”

“And I messed up. I did. I-I’m a fool for taking you for granted.” The tears streaming down my face are warm, but they don’t taste salty. They taste bitter. I let Jake get in the way of my relationship with Nathan. I let him play me…for what? To be another notch on his belt?

Nathan takes a step toward me and grabs my face with both his tattooed hands, his fingers threading the hair at the back of my head, his thumbs wiping my tear-streaked cheeks.

“I can’t let you fuck this up,” he admits. “I can’t give up on us.” A deep breath, his eyes darting away from me for a second, and I know what’s coming next. “I’m in love with you, ‘Me.”

His words warm up my soul, spread a tingle of excitement and happiness through my whole body. He brings his face to mine and kisses my forehead, waiting for my consent to take this further.

“I love you too,” I whisper back.

If Jake is set on destroying my entire being, Nathan is a promise to shield my soul.

I lean back and push on my toes to deposit a kiss on his lips. He licks the hem of my lips and I part them for him. Our tongues play with each other before everything gets hotter.

He grabs me by the waist and lifts me until I wrap my legs around his waist.

I deepen the kiss, exploring his mouth like I haven’t seen him in years. He carries me back to the bed and puts me down before coming on top of me. He pushes my top above my breasts and devours them like it’s his last meal. I cry in pleasure and his hands pull down my leggings.

“Don’t. Ever. Betray me. Again.” He covers my body in bites and kisses after each word and slides his hand between my legs. My insides are already melting for him and I know he’ll find me wet and willing.

He cups my pussy and brings his face above mine. “You got that?” he insists. He makes his point by sliding a finger in me easily.

“Yes,” I moan. “Yes, got it.”

He slides another finger and starts pumping. My cries come at his rhythm and the way he possesses me gets the best of me.

“I thought we were clear that I don’t share. I thought you were a good girl, Jamie,” he growls.

My hips follow his movement and my cries come louder.

“Will you be a good girl from now on? Will you be very good to me?”

I nod, incapable of forming any coherent word.

“Say it,” he orders in a low voice. “Promise me, you won’t talk to him again.”

His hand retreats slightly, forcing my eyes to shoot open.

“Look me in the eyes and promise me, Jamie.” Nathan’s voice is dark, his fingers almost violent when he enters me again. I cry out in pleasure, but try to keep my eyes on him.

“I promise,” I pant. “I’m so sorry for what I did. I promise you, Nathan.”

He controls my body into an overwhelming orgasm and collapses next to me. I rise on my knees, undoing his pants. I pull everything down at the same time and lick my lips at the sight of his erect dick.

“Show me how sorry you are, beautiful,” he whispers.

I lower my head and take him between my lips. I lick the precum that’s already leaking. He tastes salty and my mouth waters at the thought of taking him, of finally taking everything further. I open my mouth and he slides in, but I quickly struggle with his length.

I gag and he puts a reassuring hand on my head, stroking my hair. Why am I struggling? It wouldn’t be the first time I sucked his dick. He’s big, but I usually manage.

“Breathe through your nose,” he says in a husky voice.

I suddenly have a flash, imagining Jake’s voice telling me this. His dark voice ordering me to take it like an angel. Pleasure pools between my legs as I see his face instead of Nathan’s. I pull back in a rush, disgusted with myself.

“I-I can’t,” I whisper, guilt eating at my guts.

He sits up and puts his hand on my arms, warming me up. “Hey, hey that’s fine. You don’t have to.” The hardness in his voice is completely gone, replaced by his reassuring tone that always makes me feel good.

I nod but I can’t shake that awful feeling. I remember moments with Jake. That mix of fear and anticipation. I can’t help recalling all the times he made me feel good and I was actually dying to have his dick in my mouth. I just could never admit it.

Why? Why am I like this?

Nathan puts his arms around me, lays back down on the bed, and takes me with him. “‘Me, I’m serious. I don’t care. As long as I have you next to me, I’m in no rush.”

I smile in his arms, lying face down on him, my head in the crook of his neck. I feel my eyes getting heavy from the post-orgasm haze and close them, thinking how lucky I am to have Nathan in my life and how I cannot mess this up again.