Giving Away by Lola King

CHAPTER 5

‘Don’t blame me, love made me crazy

If it doesn’t, you ain’t doing it right’

Don’t Blame Me – Taylor Swift

Jamie

Rose has perfected the art of rhetoric. It’s the only reason I’m at the Murrays with them right now. Jake didn’t want me here, and she had to whip out her convincing skills. He wasn’t even looking at me when they were discussing, talking about me like I wasn’t in the room.

In the end, here I am sitting on their sofa in the pool house, my head in-between my hands and my elbows on my knees, because apparently, there is nothing Jake refuses his sister. Even when it comes to the girl that chose his brother over him.

I’m still trying to process everything. Nathan, Jake, Rose, their relationship. Samuel. They all know each other. They’re all related to Bianco somehow. Mateo Bianco. I’d never heard of him and suddenly he’s part of my life. Because I’m dating…was dating his right-hand man, apparently. I’m trying to swallow this while simultaneously learning that Nathan, my sweet, funny, lighthearted, and protective boyfriend, used to make the twins’ lives hell. That everything dark in Jake, Nathan put it there. Him and Bianco.

I can’t look at Jake, his cut lip and swelling cheek are just a reminder that this is all my fault.

Rose and Jake are having a heated discussion in the kitchen, but I’m not listening anymore. I’m just about realizing that this morning, Nathan was telling me he was in love with me. In the afternoon he cuffed me to my own kitchen and turned out to be a gang member. My heart aches at the unbelievable betrayal.

“Jamie, can you hear me?” Chris’ voice leaks through my thoughts and I look up.

“I’m sorry, what?” I have no idea how long he’s been trying to get my attention. He’s sitting next to me on the sofa, I don’t know when that happened either.

“Are you feeling okay?” he asks with genuine concern in his voice.

When everything has gone wrong, there’s always a moment when someone will ask if you’re okay. And it’s usually at that moment that you realize how not okay you are.

I try to reply to Chris. Instead, I burst into tears. I do everything I can to hold them back, but it turns into shaking sobs and I bury my face in my hands in shame. I have no right to feel like this. Nathan betrayed my trust but it’s not like my evil brother just came back from the dead. I feel horrible breaking down in front of Jake and Rose, who obviously have more reasons to be distressed than me and haven’t shed a tear.

Chris places a hand behind my back, rubbing between my shoulder blades.

“I’m so sorry,” I sob. I get up in a sudden movement and hurry out of the pool house. I’m so ashamed to break down in front of all of them.

A second later, I hear the door close behind me and Chris comes to a stand next to me.

“Jamie, you don’t have to be sorry for anything,” he assures me. I can’t reply because my tears won’t stop, and my voice isn’t working anymore.

“This…” he waves a hand towards the pool house behind us. “This is complicated on levels you couldn’t have possibly known. No one could have predicted this to happen.”

“Except Nathan,” I reply as another sob racks through me. “He knew. He knew and he lied to me.”

He puts a hand on my shoulder. “That guy, Jamie, he’s…he’s–”

“A liar? A psychopath? Yes, I heard Rose say it all. But he was different to me, Chris, I swear to you. I would have never dated someone that would get anyone in trouble. You know me!”

He lets me try to catch my breath and gather for a minute before talking again.

“I know. It’ll be alright, I promise you.”

“So you knew, right? That the twins had an older brother?”

“I knew they had a brother that passed away, yes.”

“And…” I hesitate. “About Rose?”

He nods at me. “She had a hard time dealing with what she did. She told me not too long after moving in here. I think she was trying to scare me away from her, so I wouldn’t get attached. It only drew me closer.”

“The twins…they’re broken,” I whisper.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “But not irreparable. And when they let you in, it’s like nothing else you’ve ever experienced.”

“Nathan is the one who broke them.”

Chris shifts so we’re facing each other a little more rather than both looking at the backyard in front of us. “He is.”

The door of the pool house opens behind us and Rose walks out fuming.

“And here I was, thinking only one of my brothers was an asshole,” she mumbles before putting a cigarette between her lips. “I’m going to Rachel’s. I’m letting you know since, apparently, Jake now wants to keep tabs on my exact surroundings.”

She walks past us and into the yard without a look back.

“How did you all end up at yours?” Chris asks me.

“Nathan was sleeping at mine. Rose just…showed up.”

“With Sam,” he sighs.

I shrug. This is not even my lie to tell so I keep quiet.

Chris runs a hand behind his neck, massaging the tension knotting above his shoulders.

“I know this is going to sound crazy but…he seemed protective over her,” I admit.

He might not believe me, but I saw how Samuel was every time Nathan tried to hurt her. I saw the regret in his eyes when she said she would never forgive him. He cares for her.

“He is,” Chris confirms. “Too much.”

I can’t help but wonder what kind of relationship Rose and Samual have. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

“Bet she won’t be hanging out with him now,” I say.

“If only,” he murmurs to himself. “I’m going to go back to the house. You’re welcome to tag along.”

I look down at myself, realizing I’m still wearing Nathan’s top and my leggings.

“I think I’m going to head home.”

“You don’t have to, Jamie. There’s more than enough room here for you. I understand if you don’t want to be alone at your house.”

I shake my head. “It’s okay.” It’s not but I can’t be around them. I can’t be around Jake. Not now, not like this.

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

He walks away to the main house and I turn back to the pool house. I need to get my phone in there, and I’m not sure how I feel about being alone with Jake.

I let out a shaky breath before opening the door and walking in. No one’s in the living area.

“Jake?”

After a few seconds of silence, I get my phone on the kitchen bar and turn back around toward the entrance. I’m about to put my hand on the door handle when his deep voice startles me.

“How long?” he asks so calmly it freezes my blood.

I close my eyes and swallow before turning back around. When I open them, Jake is standing in the doorway leading to the hallway. He took off his bloody shirt and stands topless in his jeans only. He must have put ice on his face because it’s not that swollen, just bruising. There’s another deep purple bruise on his ribs.

“We shouldn’t talk about this,” I say.

“But we are. So, how long have you been seeing him?”

I try to swallow the lump in my throat again and ignore my heart hammering against my chest. “A couple of months.”

He takes a step toward me and I try my hardest not to falter. “A couple of months? No. Not you, Goody. You wouldn’t do that,” he mocks me.

I know the state he’s in. He’s angry and he feels helpless. In a few months, I’ve come to understand there are two versions of Jake. The sweet one that allows himself to relax and not be on guard. The one that took me to the ball and danced with me. The guy that hugged me tight the morning after his party.

There’s also the Jake that can’t stand not being in control. That loses it when he feels his power slipping away. The one I couldn’t bring to reason at the ball, who couldn’t accept I was choosing someone else over him. The one who needs to blackmail me with something to keep me close. Sociopathic Jake. The one who doesn’t understand right from wrong. Right now, I know exactly which one I’m facing.

Nothing could have been worse than the position we were in only a few hours ago. He lost control over the situation, over himself, and he wants to regain it somehow. I’m not sure I want to be the one he uses to claim back authority over his life.

I get it, really, I do. He’s lived a life Bianco and Nate commanded. He did what he was told, paid the price if he didn’t and he’s fighting to heal from the trauma. But should I really be the one paying for that just because he decided so?

Chris is right. Jake is dark, darker than I could have possibly imagined. His past dictates his life, it makes him cruel and heartless, and I don’t think I can handle that. I might get a rush from the way he’s touched me but it’s not sustainable. I know it’s not. This is exactly why I had decided to stop whatever we had and focus on Nathan.

Fuck.

Everything always goes to shit and I’m the biggest hypocrite of them all.

“You’re such a good little angel,” Jake taunts as he closes in on me like a predator on his prey.

I should move. I should turn around, leave, and slam the door in his face. But God, I am such a willing prey when it comes to Jake White and my insides clench in anticipation.

I can’t bring myself to look at him when he reaches me, so I focus on a spot of dry blood on his jeans.

He puts his forefinger below my chin, forcing my head up to meet his gaze. He’s got that lopsided smirk that mocks me. He’s got that glint in his eyes he always gets when he’s about to play with his favorite toy.

“A good girl like you, how could you do this to him, huh? Letting me touch you and make you feel so good when you were seeing him.”

Guilt pulls at my chest because I know he’s right. I’ve let Jake play his little games when Nathan thought I wasn’t seeing anyone else. Jake is not going to let this go because this is the only thing he can hold onto right now. His perfect revenge.

His finger under my chin slowly turns into a tight hand on my jaw. He turns my head to the side in a precise movement. No violence, no rush, just control. He lowers his head to talk in my ear. His breath on my skin lights me up right away. There’s no escaping how my body reacts to him.

“Did he wonder where you were when you were with me, Angel? Did you go back to him after I made you come?” I writhe at his words. Everything is making my skin long for his touch.

I let out a shaky breath when he puts his head in the crook of my neck. He inhales deeply and his hold tightens, making me wince.

He’s going to bruise you again.

I know that voice in my head is trying to save me but maybe I don’t want to be saved. Maybe I want Jake to bruise me. To make me his. To possess me. Maybe he’s fucked me up that badly that I need this. Maybe I was already fucked up.

Jake lets out an angry growl and grips my hair with his other hand, finally letting go of my jaw. He pulls my head back so I’m looking right into his eyes and where there’s lust like I expected, there’s also something else. Anger. He is absolutely fuming.

“You stink of him,” he hisses.

I can feel my brows furrow in confusion. How does he know? He suddenly pulls at my hair and drags me to the couch until the back of my legs hit the armrest. He lets go and I fall back on the sofa. My back bounces on the soft cushions and Jake climbs on top of me.

“Is that his shirt?”

I can’t reply. I’m too focused on his body between my legs. His hand snakes around my neck and he squeezes. Hard enough to make me listen but not hard enough to hurt. The pleasure pooling between my legs makes me dizzy.

“Fuck, Jamie…you better fucking answer me, or I swear to God–”

“Yes.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just grabs the collar of the shirt and pulls down in one, hard gesture. His strong arm rips off the material and I whimper as it pulls at the back of my neck.

“Fuck you,” he growls. “Fuck you for choosing him over me. That was the biggest mistake of your life. I hope you know that.”

His free hand roams over my now bare chest. He pinches one of my nipples and I can’t help the sudden moan from escaping my lips. The perfect mix of pleasure and pain. Only Jake knows how to control my body like that.

“I know,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.

I know it was a mistake. Not because Nathan turned out to be a manipulative liar. I know because right here, right now, this is all I need. All I want. All I crave.

“Good. Because, trust me, you’re going to regret it.”

I shiver at his words and his mouth comes to my nipple. He bites hard on it and I can’t refrain a scream of pain. He looks up at me with an evil smirk.

“Isn’t this how you like it, Angel? Is that why you chose him? Because you like pain?”

His free hand slides down my stomach and inside my leggings and underwear. He pinches my clit hard, and I let out a strangled moan.

“Jake…” I breathe out. “Be careful.”

“Why? Isn’t that how Nate was giving it to you? Isn’t that what makes you wet, Jamie?”

My name on his lips makes me squirm.

“Answer me,” he growls, and his hand on my throat tightens.

“He-he wasn’t like that. He was never rough.” The surprise in his eyes quickly turns into anger.

His voice mimics mine, mocking me. “Was he sweet? Did he make love to you? Did he gently take that virgin pussy? Did you offer it to him on a silver platter thinking he was your prince charming?” He pauses and when he talks again, it’s a few shades darker. “Did you really think he could save you from me?”

He pinches again before sliding a finger in me. My back arches under the unbearable pleasure.

“I didn’t,” I manage to say. “I never had sex with him.”

Something in his touch changes. It’s like he suddenly relaxes at the thought that I didn’t let Nathan take my virginity. How stupid can a man get? Why does it even matter?

His hand slides from my throat to my jaw and he pins me in place before taking over my mouth. I don’t hesitate to part my lips.

I can taste the blood on his cut lip. He’s controlling every single cell in my body and I still want more. I want more of him, I want to be his. I want him inside me and even that, I’m not sure will be enough. Our tongues intertwine and I’m burning from the inside. He pulls away and his lips hover over mine.

“You didn’t have sex with him because you belong to me. Do you understand that?” His finger is pumping in and out of me and I’m squirming under him. “Do you understand, Angel? You’re mine to touch, to fuck, to play with whenever I want. You were never his because he doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know what you need.”

I nod but I’m not sure what I’m nodding to anymore. I’m weak from the pleasure and all I can think is that I want him so bad to put his words into action.

He kisses me again and I wrap my arms around his neck and slide my hands through his silky jet-black hair. I buck my hips as he inserts another finger and curls them inside me. I’m so close to exploding, I freeze in place not wanting anything to change. The pleasure is perfect.

He senses I’m close because he instantly retreats his hand.

“Jake,” I sigh. I know him, I know he wants me to beg but all I want is for him to understand I’m ready to give my all to him.

He gets up from me and stands in front of the sofa, his eyes roaming over my body. I push myself on my elbows as he looks down at me.

“How badly do you want to come?” he asks as he undoes his belt. He takes off his jeans and throws them to the side. His erection is straining his white Calvin Klein boxers and he doesn’t hesitate to take them off too. “How bad do you want to please me?”

I lick my lips at the sight of his dick. I can’t help it. It’s the effect he has on me. Like a magnet. A big, strong magnet. Huge in fact.

“Come here. On your knees,” he orders as he starts stroking his swollen length.

I get up in front of him and drop to my knees straight away. I’m dying to please him, for his approval, for his forgiveness. I grab him in my hands and they’ve never felt so small. I start rubbing him as he fists my hair. He grabs his dick from my hands, and I open wide because what Jake wants, Jake gets. That’s the only way my body functions.

I lick the tip before taking him in and his head falls back. As soon as it reaches the back of my throat I choke and gag but his fist tightening in my hair warns me not to move away.

“Fuck, Jamie…you feel too good.”

For some reason, his approval wills me to take more of him. I bob my head up and down as he fucks my mouth and my thighs clench to try and find some release.

“Look at you. So willing,” he smiles.

I accelerate as he pushes down on my head one last time before he finally pulls out. He gives himself a few pumps and pushes back in my mouth straight away. To the back of my throat it goes, and I clamp my lips around it. It doesn’t take him long before I feel him tense.

“Fuck,” he hisses as I feel the thick, warm liquid hitting the back of my throat.

The inside of my thighs is damp from arousal and I tingle in a teasing sensation as I do my best to swallow his cum. He pulls out of my mouth and I can’t help the whimper. I need him. I need more.

He traces cum on my lips with his tip. “Beautiful,” he whispers. He grabs my jaw, helping me back up before pushing me back on the sofa.

“Now let me show you what regret feels like.” He gets on his knees in front of the sofa and pulls at my leggings and underwear until I’m free of them.

He hooks one of my legs on his shoulder and his head disappears between my thighs. I have a flashback to being on Nathan’s sofa, in the exact same position with him, but I’m taken back to reality when Jake puts my clit between his lips. My body tries to jerk away and he grabs my hips to keep me in place.

“Stay still.”

I try not to squirm as he licks me, his tongue running from my entrance to my clit and back. He nibbles and bites. He laps like a starved man and the pleasure is too much. I can’t refrain the moans from leaving my mouth. My voice quickly gets higher as I shamelessly explode and scream his name. He gets up and kisses me, letting me taste myself. He picks me up in a sudden movement and my legs wrap around his waist.

He carries me to his bedroom, both naked, throws me on the bed, and quickly settles over me, his hands on both sides of my head. I’m reminded of that same position we were in, only a few weeks ago. I was scared of him, scared to give in, scared of the pleasure he could have given me. Now I’m ready to beg for this pleasure. Beg him to take me. To do to me what Nathan never did.

He straightens up, looking down on me with the power he knows he holds. He places a knee between my legs and presses against my pussy.

“You are so wet, Angel. Always for me, aren’t you?”

I simply nod and he presses harder. I slowly start rubbing against him brazenly. When Jake pushes my buttons, I become the little toy he so desperately wants me to be. Worse…I love it.

“Ah. Ah. I see you trying to pleasure yourself. That’s my job.”

He slightly pulls his knee away and I whine a wordless complaint.

“Tell me who you belong to, Angel,” he says, slowly bringing his knee back.

“You,” I reply without hesitation. Him, him, him. It’s always been him. I was just too scared to accept it.

“And who does this pussy belong to?” He presses his knee so hard I let out another shameless moan.

“You. Please, Jake…”

“Yes?”

“Make love to me,” I whisper.

He comes down right above me again and grabs something in the drawer above us. I understand what it is when I hear the wrapper of the condom tearing. I watch as he slowly rolls it over his dick. It’s steel hard again, despite coming in my mouth only minutes ago. He brings his lips to my ear.

“I can’t do that, Angel,” he presses his dick against my entrance and I almost recoil in fear, only the anticipation stops me, “but I promise I’ll fuck you real good.”

I suddenly push his chest. “Jake, please…please be gentle.”

He looks at me and confusion is clear in his eyes. His lashes are so long, it’s the only thing that softens his face. Beautiful, long, black lashes that will be my downfall. They make him look sweet and caring. A trick to attract his victims so he can trap them in the addiction of his touch.

“Please,” I beg. “It’s all I’m asking for.”

His jaw ticks and his whole body tenses over mine. He doesn’t get it. I can see it in his eyes, he simply can’t grasp my emotions, my fears. He doesn’t empathize with people. Sometimes I think I see glimpses of empathy in him, but it’s always crushed by his selfishness.

“Just this one time…” I try one last time. I know he’ll do whatever he wants in the end. And I know I’ll let him because that’s just how my body is wired, but I don’t want it to hurt. I bring one hand up to cup his cheek and look at him straight in his beautiful eyes.

“I’m not him, Jamie,” he smiles wickedly. “I don’t do gentle…”

His sentence hangs in the air and I squeeze my eyes tight, bracing for the invasion.

Nothing happens.

Jake sucks at my nipples slowly. So slowly it’s torture. He brings a hand down to my clit and circles it with his thumb, so gradually I can count the circles. One, two, three, four–

A moan escapes my lips.

“…but just for you, I’ll do slow. Until you can’t take it anymore.”

I feel his hips starting to move as he penetrates me. Oh. So. Slowly. I barely wince when he passes my body’s barrier, eager for him to be inside and pleasure me. Every inch, I feel myself stretch further and the initial sting is quickly replaced by warmth and the warmth by torturous pleasure. I let out a long moan, the pleasure too much and not enough. Never enough.

“I’m barely halfway through, Angel.”

“More,” I breathe.

“As you wish.”

He pushes all the way inside and I can’t help a loud gasp. He stops for a second, his strong body tightening as he squeezes his eyes shut. I feel so stretched I need a second to breathe.

“Wait…” I whisper.

“Fuck…” he brings his head down, kissing my neck and jaw. “Fuck, Jamie, you feel so fucking good.”

To my surprise, he pauses as I adjust to having him inside me. He’s watching me, waiting for any sign to keep going. It takes me a few seconds to nod slightly and he starts moving his hips, bringing me more pleasure. My mouth falls slack as he moves inside me, painfully slow. I try to move my hips with his to pick up the rhythm, but he pins me down with both hands on my hips.

“Tsk. Tsk. You wanted slow. Now you take it.”

I let out a frustrated whimper when he pauses again. I can see his face tightening as if he’s struggling.

“Stop squirming, you’re gonna make me come,” he growls.

He finally accelerates and I feel my eyes roll to the back of my head. Heat builds in my lower belly, inside me, creeping up everywhere. I’m melting and my skin is on fire. Every touch, every caress brings out another moan. I whisper his name between panting breaths and Jake starts pounding harder and faster. Every time he seems close to finishing, he pauses and plays with my clit instead, bringing me to the edge and back.

“Don’t stop,” I beg as he slows down again.

I’m so close to exploding I bring one hand on his shoulder and one on his steel abs to keep him in place. They stiffen below my hand.

“Please,” I insist.

“Anything for you, Angel.”

He picks up again with more strength than he’s ever shown, and it takes me all of ten seconds to melt for him. My nails scratch at his back as his thumb finds my clit again. My body finds release on a high like never before. In one last hard stroke, his whole body tightens and freezes over mine. He lets out a loud grunt and drops on me, his head in the crook of my neck.

“Fuck, Jamie. What are you doing to me?” he breathes.

I can’t reply, still too high. My eyelids are too heavy to keep open and my mouth feels like cotton. I’m flying on a cloud, surrounded by Jake’s scent and Jake’s warmth and I never want to come down.

I keep dozing off and I don’t know how long it takes but I know at some point I feel his weight lift off of me and cold overtakes me. I doze off again until I feel a warm cloth against my pussy. As soon as this is gone, I’m out again, incapable of thinking straight or push myself out of my drug-induced state.

Just before I fall completely into darkness, I feel the bed dip beside me and two strong arms pulling me until my back hits a warm chest.

“See, Angel,” Jake’s deep voice reaches all the way to my cloud. “You might want Nate, but you need me. Make sure you don’t forget that.”

These are the last words I hear before sleep overtakes me as I think; I couldn’t agree more.

◆◆◆

Jake

“No, no, no, Jake, please. I don’t want you to go. Please.”

“I know, I know.” I bring a shaking hand up to grab my sister’s shoulder, but she slips out of my grasp.

“Please. You’re gonna come back all bruised or knocked out o-or worse.”

I don’t know what to reply. She’s right. Last time I went, I got knocked out, and fuck I thought Mateo was the one who was going to kill me.

“I’ll be fine,” is the only thing I manage out of my tight throat. Seeing her like this makes me want to grab our stuff and run away with her. Unfortunately, we both know Mateo’s reach goes much further than Washington D.C. He will always find us.

“Just go to bed and when you wake up tomorrow, I’ll be back.”

She shakes her head and squeezes her eyes, desperately trying to hold back tears. She runs a hand through her long ponytail, pulling at it as if trying to check this is reality.

“I can’t. I can’t just go to bed.”

“Everything will be fine. I promise.”

I’m so fucking naïve. How can I be so naïve?

“Jake, when you’re not here,” she takes a shaky breath and looks away before looking back at me. “The nights you and Nate are out fighting…”

I try to catch her gaze as she avoids mine but I’m not sure I get what she’s getting at. Or I’m not sure I want to understand.

I hear a door open and close behind me. Her gaze locks with someone else over my shoulder.

She scratches her throat and quickly dries the only tear that slipped from her eyelid with the palm of her hand. She readjusts her glasses and smiles at the person behind.

I try to read her. I try to get the truth out of her eyes, out of the features on her face or the way her jaw ticks. And I understand it. I understand it too well to ever forget the look in her eyes when Mateo comes into view from behind me. Nate follows quickly as his boss grabs me by the shoulders.

“Ready?” he asks me. “Nate is going to drive you and get you warmed up. He’s your coach tonight, not your brother, remember that. Now listen real close. I want you to knock him out in the sixth round. Got it?”

“Yes, Sir,” I reply, my jaw clenching instantly. Only ‘yes, sir’ when it comes to Mateo. Never refuse him anything, that’s the first lesson we learned here. Refusal is not in his vocabulary. He doesn’t insist, he doesn’t convince you, he just punishes you.

“And I don’t want none of this ‘I don’t want to hurt people’ complaint, yeah? Ignore the guilt, son. It will never do you any good. In this world, eat or be eaten.”

I nod, not being able to say anything else. Six rounds. I gotta hold six rounds.

“Don’t be late, and make me proud, son.” He walks away and speaks to us one last time without even looking back. “Rose, come see me in my office before you head to bed.”

“Yes, Sir,” she replies automatically but as soon as he’s out of view her pleading gaze meets mine. “Please don’t go,” she whispers.

Nate takes a few steps back as he mumbles a quiet ‘fuck’ to himself then speaks louder to both of us. “Ozy, com’here.”

She looks up at him in surprise and walks to him. He pulls both his sleeves up to his elbows and that’s the only warning before his fist crashes against her cheekbone and she goes down in a screech.

“What the fuck!” I shout as I hurry to her. Nate pushes me back violently.

“Let’s go,” he orders when I try to fight him back. “Keep your energy for the ring, Jake, let’s go.”

“I’m not just gonna leave her here you sick fuck! What did you do that for?!”

Ozy slowly comes to a sitting position holding the side of her face in a groan. I try to go to her again, but Nate has managed to slowly push me all the way to the door. “Trust me,” he seethes, “I’m doing this for her.”

“What?” I choke.

“There’s nothing he hates more than seeing a fuck up on her stupid perfect face. Let’s go.”

“What?” I ask again, too focused on checking if my sister manages to get up.

“You wouldn’t get it,” he growls. “Now let’s go.” I try to look at her again, but Nate slams the door and I’m outside.

Then in the ring, beating up a guy that’s probably just as forced as I am to be here. Probably risks just as much as me if he doesn’t deliver what he’s been asked. Yet, there’s no mercy in the ring and in the sixth round, I knock him out with a merciless punch right in the jaw. I try to check if he’s still alive, but I’m suddenly at another fight, knocking someone else out, and another one.

Another one until I’m the one who gets knocked out cold. I feel blood dripping down my face, but I can’t open my eyes. I want to. I want to get back up and give Mateo what he wants. I want to go back to his fucking mansion, put a bullet between his eyes, grab my sister, and leave forever. I can’t, though, because I’m knocked out and so tired. So. Fucking. Exhausted.

My eyes snap open and I wipe the sweat rolling down my temples. These nightmares make sleeping completely useless. There’s no way to get rest when I go down memory lane.

Everything from the day before hits me. Nate is alive. He threatened Ozy. Jamie was dating him. She chose him over me. She didn’t just choose anyone, she chose Nate. If that fucker is back, Bianco isn’t far, and I can’t let Bianco back into our lives. We can’t get sucked back in. Rose couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take it.

Thoughts go round and round in my head and I can’t do anything about it. Anxiety creeps in and I check the time. 4:21 am.

Anxiety. Shit, it had been too long I hadn’t felt that.

Don’t feel. Numb it down.

I look down at Jamie, asleep on my chest, one leg hooked around mine. The only thing that chases all the other thoughts away is thinking about last night. The way she gave herself to me so willingly. The way she was begging me to take her. My cock wakes at the thought. Everything that happened has put me in a shit, messed-up state and I only feel back in control when I control her. She might not get it now, but I’m not letting that go.

I run my hand up and down her back. Her petite body weighs nothing against mine and I want to pick her up and sit her back down on my dick. I look at my phone again. Between texts from Cam and some random girl from the North Shore of the Falls I fucked at some point in my life, there’s a text from Luke sent at 3 am.

Luke: Your brother showed up at Em’s house. Said he wanted to see Jamie. We can’t have that bro. It’s not safe for Em.

My hand tightens on my phone at Luke calling him my brother. Nate isn’t my brother. He might be genetically, but he lost the title long ago.

He showed up at Emily’s house. He wanted to see Jamie. He probably showed up at her house first.

Does she want to see him?

My hand on her back creeps all the way to her head and I close my fist around her hair. She’s not going back to him, I don’t fucking care what she wants. The beast in me slowly wakes up at the thought of her with him and my grip tightens. She stirs awake and looks at me with sleepy eyes, confused.

“Jake?” her voice is husky from sleep.

As soon as she leaves, she’s going to go back to him.

I try to shut up the devil on my shoulder, hopelessly.

Control. Control. Control.

It goes in my head on repeat, flashing a bright red light of warning. Everything else might be slipping from my grasp, Jamie won’t. I’ll make sure of that.

She puts a hand on mine in her hair, but I don’t let go.

“What are you doing? That hurts.”

I pull hard enough for her head to rear back. She pushes away from me and goes on her back to avoid the pain.

You’re not getting away from the pain, my little Angel.

I climb on top of her and let go of her hair to grab her wrists. She’s so fucking tiny it’s no effort for me to keep them both above her head with one hand.

“He’s looking for you.” I barely recognize my own voice. It’s low, dark, and angry.

She’s still struggling to wake up fully and she looks at me confused. “What? Who?” She tries to pull her wrists away. “Jake, what are you doing?”

“Guess who, Angel. The guy whose dick you sucked before mine.”

Her eyes widen at my crude words, but she doesn’t deny it. My anger doubles and I slip a hand all the way down her naked body and grab her pussy.

Fuck. She’s wet. She’s so fucking wet.

“Always so ready for me.” I slip a finger inside her warm pussy and I feel her clenching. I take it out and add another one. She lets out a deep moan as her eyes flutter shut.

“He went to Emily’s house–”

“What?” Her eyes snap back open. “Is she okay?”

I dig my fingers deeper in her and she mewls. “I think you should worry about yourself. Because you’re in a shit lot of trouble and you’re not finished paying for trying to escape me.”

Her eyes grow with concern, not without a glint of anticipation in them. I know what it looks like because I’ve seen it in Camila. My ex worked hard to get used to how I liked it and to please me. I’ve seen this look in one-night stands who naturally liked my ways. But in Jamie…in Jamie it’s priceless. She thinks she doesn’t like it and she thinks it’s wrong even if she feels so right. The fight between her body and her mind is something I’ll never get tired of.

I tighten my grip on her wrists as I grab a condom from my nightstand. I pause for one second, hesitating. Will she freak out if I tie her wrists to the bed? It’s annoying to put a condom on with one hand, but I don’t want to let go of her.

She pulls at them again. “Jake,” she whimpers, bucking her hips up, trying to find the release she needs.

“Stay still,” I growl.

“Let go of my wrists,” she snaps back. Does she think she’s being brave?

She will definitely freak out if I tie her up. Better not. I need to take it slow with her or she’ll shy away.

I manage to roll the condom on with one hand and place my cock at her entrance.

“We did it your way yesterday, Angel. Today we’re doing it my way.” I slam hard into her and she lets out a loud gasp.

“Oh Gosh…” She takes a deep breath. I slide out slowly then back in hard and she lets out a moan. I feel her getting wetter around my dick and I’m scared I won’t be able to reign myself back.

“You’re so fucking tight,” I growl under my breath.

I stay buried deep inside her for a few seconds as she catches her breath and I feel her squirm under me. My balls already feel tight as fuck and if she keeps moving, I’m going to come. I’ve got a problem when it comes to this girl, I turn back to being a virgin who tries pussy for the first time.

I accelerate my rhythm and her cries of pleasure follow my strokes. She pulls at her wrists and I know she wants to touch herself, which is exactly why I don’t let go.

“Please…” she pants.

I graze the tip of my fingers over her clit and she writhes. “You beg so well, you know that?”

She nods as she bites her lower lip and I slam hard into her. She lets out another cry and I can’t hold back. I keep going harder and faster with my cock and my fingers. I feel her inner walls tighten as her nails dig in my hand when she comes. Her mouth opens but no sound comes out. The pressure in my dick gets too much and I explode as she comes down from her high. She clenches around my dick and I empty myself, falling back on her. I grab her jaw and kiss her. She willingly parts her lips and I eat her mouth like I’m starving and she’s my one and only meal. I bite at her lip and she lets out another moan.

I can already feel my dick stirring back to life. I need to calm down, she needs a break, a few hours ago she was a virgin.

That’s something Nate didn’t take from her.

Fuck. I need to calm down.

“Can you let go of my wrists now?”

I can’t help a smile before letting go.

“How sweet,” she deadpans.

“That attitude needs to go away, baby, or your ass is going to pay the consequences.”

She scoffs in indignation. A second later, I can see her biting her lip to avoid a smile as I roll back to my side.

My phone pings and I grab it from the nightstand.

Chris: Have you seen Beth’s story?

God, this guy always wakes up at 5 am. Even on Sunday mornings.

I roll my eyes and go on Instagram. If Chris texted me about it, it’s got to do with Rose. I click on Beth’s story at the top of my screen and look through a picture of her and Camila getting ready for a house party. The next one is the two of them taking shots with Jason. The one after is a picture of Ozy and Rachel kissing with the caption ‘The cutest couple’. I can’t help another eye roll. What a fake bitch.

I skip other videos of the party. People need to stop posting five-hour-long stories. There’s a video of a guy taking body shots on Cam and I can’t even pretend to care because I really don’t. Is that what Chris wants me to see? The next video answers my question.

Rose is threatening a guy about twice her size. She looks high off her face and keeps rubbing her nose with her index finger. Coke really makes one brave because that guy doesn’t look like he’s joking around. I can’t help but chuckle hearing her shout ‘put a hand on my girl again and I’ll make you swallow your own balls, asshole’. Fuck, she was so far gone. I check when it was posted. Two hours ago. Great.

I leave Instagram and call my sister right away. She better be alive, she’s gonna give Chris a heart attack one day.

“The fuck you calling me for?”

“Chris is worried,” I reply.

“I don’t think he wants to know what Rach and I have been doing.”

I try to refrain from laughing. “There’s a video of you threatening some big guy on Beth’s story. So, Rachel’s your girl now?”

She laughs. “We have a new agreement. You should have seen Carlo trying to talk me out of punching that dude’s face.”

I hear her sniff and I know she’s probably still high.

“Where are you?”

“That door across the hall from yours, that’s my room.”

I hear Rachel complaining in the background and I know it’s my cue.

“Have fun coming down tomorrow,” I conclude.

“Make sure Jamie grabs her clothes back from the living room before I get out of bed. We share that sofa, Jake. That’s nasty.”

When I hang up and turn back to Jamie, she’s fallen back asleep. In two years of seeing Camila on and off, she has never slept in my bed. I always walked her out after sex. I would never really sleep at hers either, I like sleeping on my own. I usually don’t want anyone to be next to me when I wake up from a nightmare that reminded me of the fucked-up years at Bianco’s.

I’m forced to realize that in two months, Jamie’s slept in my bed twice and for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. She could stay all day if she wanted.

I don’t get how I feel about her. I’m not stupid, I know how my body reacts; her lavender scent is hypnotizing and the touch of her skin addictive. Her moans are the most sensual sound, playing with her has become more than my favorite pastime.

But I don’t get my feelings. I don’t get feelings in general. That’s not how I function because it has been beaten out of me. All I know is some people I like, some people I don’t care about. Chris and Luke have adapted to me, I can laugh and be myself around them. To me, that means I love them, even if I don’t feel that strongly about them. I’ve associated the fact that they know and accept me with love. The same way I’ve associated protecting my sister with love. I know it angers me when she isn’t well or when I miss her. That’s love, right?

Something goes further with Jamie. It’s more than anger when she’s not around, it’s something lacking in me. I used to carelessly play with her, I did my thing and it didn’t really matter if it hurt her body or her feelings. Except I’m getting slightly addicted to it. And it’s not just that, something pinches inside me if anyone other than me hurts her. Something, somehow drives me insane when she dares live through everyday life without me. So surely, if I feel something for her that is stronger than for the people I love…then I must be in love.

I chuckle to myself, running a hand through my hair. Good fucking luck with that, Angel. Because I’m not about to let go of the only person who makes me feel something after years of being ingrained it was forbidden to do so.

I lay down next to her and spoon her from the back. She feels so small next to me, I want to keep her like this forever and protect her from the big bad world outside. The problem is, who’s going to protect her from me?