Hellbent Hero by Naomi Porter

23

Hero

SHE SHOVED ME back. I didn’t understand what was happening. How did we go from me sharing about Monica and my son and their murders to this? To my woman trying to hurt herself. To my woman pulling her fucking hair out. To my woman pushing me away.

“Please leave me alone. We’ll never be what I want us to be. Nor should we be.” She hit my chest. “Go, Hero.”

I rubbed the ache in my chest, my stomach twisting into a knot. Staring at Roja in disbelief, I heard my abuela, “Tu es… you are mucho sensitive. Tu corazón es… your heart is mucho delicado.” I didn’t give a fuck if I was very sensitive. Tara’s words broke my goddamn delicate heart, slaying me to the point I could hardly breathe. Did she mean it? That we’d never be what she wanted? I didn’t fucking know. Was I doing more harm to her than good by being with her? Fuck if I knew.

What was I supposed to do?

“You know it’s true. Stop lying to yourself.” She turned away from me, leaning against the wall. “Go, Hero. Just go.”

Was it true? Was I lying to myself?

Maybe I was.

I dragged my ass off the floor, standing upright. In a cloud of haze, I went to Tara’s bedroom. I found my boxers and jeans, tugged them on, and sat on the edge of her bed. Burying my face in my hands, I couldn’t stop the fucking tears from falling. The very thought of walking away from her crippled me, made me want to die there on the bed as I cried like a pussy. The pain was so debilitating I didn’t want to go on living in this hell without her.

My stomach roiled as I tried to imagine my life without her. Imagine never smelling her strawberry and vanilla scent. Feel her silky red locks wrapped around my fingers. Lose myself in the warmth and nirvana of her body.

Fuck. I couldn’t breathe as I smelled her on my hands, tasted her on my tongue.

Why was this happening? What the fuck had I done to drive her to harm herself? I was supposed to love her, protect her with my life… not hurt her.

I fucking hated myself for breaking her again.

Again.

Maybe she was right.

I let out an agonizing roar, jumping to my feet, and punched the wall over and over.

Blinded by rage.

Fueled by misery.

Lost in self-loathing.

I’d be damned if I destroyed another woman. I’d rather destroy myself. I’d rather die.

“Stop!” She shouted, reaching for my hand as I swung it back. Except she missed. I tried to redirect, but it was too fast. I couldn’t control my fist.

The next thing I knew, I hit her in the face, knocking her back into the door. It was as if time slowed. Roja’s doe-eyes widened in shock, reaching for her cheek. The sound of her body banging against the door and her yelps of pain caused my heart to seize. Remorse and shame crushed my soul, wholly disgusted at my actions.

How could I lose control and hit my woman, mi vida?

“Fuck, baby.” I collected her into my arms before she fell. My punch was strong. I was a fucking fighter, for Christ’s sake. More guilt crashed down on me like an epic wave ready to destroy. “I’m so sorry, mi vida. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you. You gotta believe me. I’d never intentionally hurt you.” Not even at my lowest moments, drunk or strung out, would I ever strike a woman. Abuela drilled it into my head to never lay a finger on a girl that wasn’t gentle. Jesus, she’s probably turning in her grave. Mortified as I was at what I’d done.

We dropped to our knees on the carpet. I snagged my T-shirt off the floor to dry her eyes. Thank the merciful God she wasn’t bleeding. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if she was. I should’ve gotten her an ice pack, but I couldn’t seem to rip myself away from her now that I had her in my arms.

Roja sniffled, her hand curling around my waist to hold onto me. “What are we doing to each other?”

“We’re working through our past so we can have a future together.” I sat down, holding her like my life depended on it. Because it fucking well did. I pressed my lips to her head. Did I just ruin everything? How the fuck did I lose control? How the fuck did I get so lost in misery and rage that I hit my woman? What if I couldn’t trust me with her?

No, it’ll never happen again.

But once an addict, always an addict.

What if I lose control again?

No! You’ve changed. You’ve never hit a woman. This was a slip. You’ll never let it happen again. I warred with my thoughts, knowing that we couldn’t afford me to spiral into a darker place than we already were.

She hiccupped, voice thick with emotion. “I… I don’t know what to say.” She trembled against me, holding tighter to me. I was grateful and gutted all at once by everything that had occurred tonight.

I didn’t know what to say as I stroked her back gently, trying to soothe her. I felt her heart racing like mine. We were both destroyed. Me for hitting her. Her for being on the receiving end of my fist.

A pang hit me in the heart. What if she compared what I’d done to her father burning her? Another tear fell from my blurry eyes. I couldn’t take it. I’d walk away, unable to bear her looking at me and seeing her father.

Christ, I hated myself.

I flicked my eyes up to the ceiling, vowing to never hurt her again.

“Mi vida, let me look at you.” Her face was hidden. I needed to see the damage. “You probably need an ice pack.”

“No,” she muttered. “I’m processing.”

Processing? Fuck if that didn’t scare more than anything else.

“Okay.” What else was there to say? I’d follow her lead on this. Whatever she wanted and needed, I’d give it to her. Even if it shattered me.

Time seemed at a standstill while I held her with my lips pressed to her head. Strawberry and vanilla filled my lungs as I breathed her in, memorizing every detail about her in case this was the last time I’d be with her. Her soft hair caressed my cheek. Her satin skin seared my hands. Her body molded to mine perfectly as if made for me. Roja would always be mi vida whether we were together or not. In this moment, I honestly didn’t know which way this would go. She might kick my ass out of her life for good or she might forgive me. Either way, I would never love another after her.

I knew I couldn’t, because this was so much more than I had felt with another.

My heart rate normalized when her’s did. I absorbed her calm energy into my soul, sending up a silent prayer for just one more chance to endeavor to deserve her.

Please Almighty Father, just give me one more chance.

She cleared her throat and sniffled some more. I held my breath as she released a slow, cleansing one. This was it. I sensed she was about to hand me my ass.

“Are we really working through our past, because it sure is painful? Will it be worth it in the end? Will we be glad we fought for us instead of setting each other free? If you say yes, I’ll believe you.” She lifted her chin, locking her eyes to mine.

I winced at her red, swollen cheek. “I’m so sorry I hit you. Let me get you an ice pack.”

“No, just answer me.”

Damn stubborn woman.

“Yes, my love, it’ll be worth it. I feel it in the marrow of my bones. We belong together. You’re my second chance at love, happiness, and a family.”

“Love? And a family?”

“Mi vida, I’ve never needed anyone the way I need you. I’d die without you, baby. My soul would be dust. I’d be a shell of man, begging the Reaper to put me out of my misery. Sounds pathetic and weak, right? But it’s the honest truth.” I’d do anything to fix us. Anything to keep her because I fucking couldn’t lose her.

“You don’t sound pathetic or weak. You’re the strongest man I know.”

I almost snorted. Strong? Maybe physically, but she was the bravest person I knew. She faced her demons, instead of drowning in booze and drugs the way I had. For years she’d been healthy, living a good life.

Dammit, until I came along and made her stumble. Never again.

“I want it all with you. You’re what’s been missing in my life. My other half… my better half. It would kill me to give you up, but if I’m the reason you harm yourself, I’ll walk away. It’d break my heart, but for you, I’d do anything.” I cared too damn much to be the reason Tara burned herself. It would demolish me to let her go, but I would do it out of love. It was the only reason I could.

She dropped her chin to her chest, her narrow shoulders shaking. “Nobody’s ever talked to me the way you do. What about Monica and your son? I don’t want you resenting me for being here when your true love isn’t.”

“En el nombre de Dios, mi vida.”I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her temple over and over. “I could never resent you for what you did not cause. I’ve dealt with my demons. I wanted to confess my sins to you. Vow to protect you with my life. Promise to love you for the rest of our lives.” I lifted her chin and pressed my lips to hers. “Are you listening to me, baby?”

“Mhm, I am. But—”

I put my finger on her lips. “I feel no regret for feeling the way I do about you. I did at first, which is why I took off after the run. But it wasn’t about you. AJ’s death and what happened to Madeline fucked me up. So I left to deal with that shit and say goodbye to Monica and my son. I told them I met a gorgeous redhead who’d brought me back to life. I know they would be happy for us, mi vida.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything. I’m an open book with you.”

“Did you call Monica, mi vida?”

I caressed her soft cheek. “No. I didn’t. I called her flaca.”

“What does that mean?”

I smirked. “Skinny.”

Tara screwed up her beautiful face. “You called her skinny? What kind of endearment is that?”

“I was a teenager. And honestly, I wasn't even ready for love.” I shrugged my shoulders, helping her stand up so we could get back into bed. “Monica was skinny as a rail. Everybody called her flaca.” I removed the towel wrapped around her body. “Get in the bed, mi vida.”

She didn’t argue, climbing in. I removed my bottoms and joined her.

“I’m sorry I flipped out on you. My heart broke for you and all that you lost. I envied the love you have for Monica. It crushed me that you lost your unborn child. I’d do anything to bring them back for you.”

“No, I don’t want you to think such a thing. God called them home, baby. It’s not your job to alter God’s will.”

“But you said they died because you sold drugs in the wrong territory.”

“Yes, but those fuckers didn’t need to murder two innocent people. That’s on them. Not me. Their judgment will come, just as it will for all of us.”

A small smile curled her lips. “I understand now.”

“Good. Now, can I ask you something?”

Her brow wrinkled as if she knew where this was going. “Sure, anything.”

“Tell me how I can help you when the urge to hurt yourself hits.”

Her eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Oh, um.” She bit her bottom lip. “Would you like to go to my therapy appointment after school Friday? Dr. Kelly could probably answer that better than me. I know it’s Storm’s birthday, and I was going to resched—”

I stopped her with my finger on her lips. “I’ll be there.” No chance I’d decline to attend her appointment. She was more important than a party. “One more thing, I threw out your stash while I was waiting for you yesterday.”

She considered me. I could tell when she connected the dots. “You knew about my scars before I showed you? How?”

Shit, I prayed she wouldn’t toss me out on my ass.

“Before you moved back here, Storm had Grizz install security cameras. For your protection. Copper heard you when you were in the bathroom. He smelled the smoke.”

“Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? They all know I burn myself? That’s just great. This is going to get back to Madeline and the whole fucking club!”

“Shh, relax, baby.” I rubbed her back. “We don’t work like that. We aren’t a bunch of gossiping girls. Only Storm and Grizz know what actually happened. Even then, there isn’t a camera in your bathroom. They saw the scar when you removed your top while talking on the phone to Madeline.”

She groaned, burying her face in my chest. “He’s going to tell her.”

“No, he isn’t. Storm’s not that kind of man. I told him to let you handle it. You can trust him. But I do think you should tell her yourself.” I watched her processing what I’d said. If we were going to be a couple, and I was hellbent on making that happen and never letting her go. She should have more than me to confide in. My woman needed her best friend.

“I’ve wanted to tell her for a long time. I really have. I just didn’t want her to see me as weak or broken.”

“She would never think that about you. She loves you.”

“I think part of me knows that. It’s the other fucked up part telling me differently.”

“I’ll leave it to you, then. Whatever you choose, I support you.” I reached for my wallet on the nightstand. “I wanna show you a picture of Monica pregnant with my son. If you think you can handle it? I don’t want to do anything to upset you or push you over the edge.” Selfishly, I needed to do this so then I could tuck the picture away. If Tara ever found it, I didn’t want her thinking I was hiding it from her.

“Does she have red hair?”

I chuckled. “Not even close. You two look nothing alike.” I presented the picture.

“She’s beautiful.” Tara studied it. “Does her hair go down to her ass?”

“Yes. It annoyed the shit out of me. I’d find it all over the house. On the kitchen floor, clogging the shower drain. In my fucking underwear.” I smiled, remembering the strands I’d pull off my clean boxers and how I had to unclog the drain twice a week.

“Wow, that would be annoying.” She touched the end of her hair. It only went past her shoulders.

“Don’t even think about cutting your hair, mi vida. I love it. I love you for you, just as I loved Monica for Monica. I am not comparing the two of you and I don’t want you to ever do that either.” I cradled her face, pulling it to mine, and kissed her softly. “I’m claiming you at the party. You good with that?”

For a split second I held my breath, worrying she might tell me to fuck off. When her beautiful brown eyes smiled, I sensed she wanted to be claimed as much as I wanted to claim her.

“Yes, I’ve wanted to be yours since our weekend together. Are you sure this is what you want? Claiming a woman is huge.”

I tugged her leg over my hips so she’d straddle me. “Never been more sure about anything, maybe ever.”

She draped her body over mine, placed the photo on the nightstand, and kissed along my jaw. I lifted her hips so she could slide onto my cock.

“You really want a family?”

“With you, I want it all.” At this moment, I wanted to give her the words—I love you. But dammit, if I wasn’t terrified, I’d scare her off. I’d keep it to myself just a little longer.

She smiled, rocking her hips. “Was there something else you wanted to tell me? It seemed like there was more before I freaked the fuck out.”

Shit, she was right.

“Yes, there was more. Not about Monica. Club business.”

She stopped moving. “Okay, tell me.”

I rubbed the sides of her thighs soothingly. “I might be gone overnight sometime next week with several of the guys.”

She tilted her head and put her hands on her hips. “Why? You’ve only just gotten out of jail.”

“It’s important. I’ll also be going up to Canada on business, but only for one night.”

“Are you kidding me? We just got back together.”

“And when I’m gone, I want you to stay in my room at the club.” Might as well put it all on the table so we could deal with this shit all at once.

“Now that’s taking it too far.”

“Roja, I need to know you’re safe. I’ll get distracted, sloppy if I’m worried about your safety.”

She thought about it briefly and started riding me again. “You’re lucky I like you as much as I do.”

“Fuck, don’t I know it.” Relief rushed through me.

She tittered, bracing her hands on my chest. “Are we going too fast? I mean with you claiming me and everyone knowing it.”

“No. When it’s right, it’s right. Life is too fucking short to be indecisive, especially about love.”

She arched her red, perfect brow. “Love? Are you bullshitting me?”

I raised up, taking her face in my hands, kissing her hard. Our tongues tangoed. Hands pawing and caressing. Moaning in unison our mutual pleasure. Neither trying to lead or dominate.

We were equals. The ultimate match.

And fuck was I hard as steel.

“I’m not bullshitting you,” I told her through my kisses, trailing my affections down her neck, sucking and licking along the way. “I’ll give you the words right the fuck now if you promise they won’t scare you off.”

Her nails pricked my shoulders as she bowed her back, giving me her luscious tits.

I lifted a heavy one to my mouth. Swirling my tongue around her rosy bud, I felt her clench my dick like a vice. I suckled on it. Her nipples were addictive. Big enough to make sucking worth it. Some chicks had itty bitty ones. I didn’t care much for those pea-sized ones. Gimme a fucking plump one the size of a grape, like my Roja’s.

“Oh, Hero,” she panted, rubbing her pussy in my lap. “I want to hear them but maybe not right now.”

“When?”

Her nails pricked my shoulders, her hips moving faster. “You’ll know the right moment.”

I stopped sucking. “What if I don’t? What if the moment is now?” Shit, was she testing me? I’d fail. I sucked knowing the right things to say and when to say them.

Her dark brown depths absorbed mine, reaching into my soul and filling every square inch of it with her irresistible magnetism. This beautiful, caring, loving woman was my everything.

“Now isn’t the moment, because you’re asking for permission to tell me. I don’t want you to doubt yourself.”

“I know how I feel about you, Roja.”

“I know how I feel about you too. We’ll give each other the words when the right time arrives.”

“Fucking hell, woman. You’re frustrating.”

She smiled wide, lifting off me. She got on all fours and wagged her ass in my face. “How frustrating?”

I growled, lining myself up, driving into her from behind. “So frustrating I’m going to fuck you into next Tuesday.”

“Promises, promises.”

Tara screamed as Luna jumped onto the bed, meowing.

“Dammit, I forgot to close the door.” I dropped my forehead onto her shoulder and kissed her neck.

“Don’t you dare stop, big guy.” She brushed Luna away. “Mommy will feed you soon, baby. I told you I should’ve taken care of her first.”

“You’re right. I should’ve listened to you.”

“Don’t you ever forget it.”

I slapped her ass and got to fucking her into next Tuesday.