Never by Blue Saffire
Chapter 32
My Mom, Dad?
Sal
It’s been two weeks since we found out my mom and dad are both still alive. Two weeks since Eva was kidnapped, and I’ve never felt more helpless in my life.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” I mutter to myself as I flip through a magazine while I sit with Sugar. My thoughts are louder than any have a right to be.
Ugh! To top it all off, Gutter is becoming more and more detached. I don’t think it has anything to do with me. The haunted look in his eyes most nights tells me it’s something more. I’m just frustrated that he won’t let me in.
Add to it all the fact that I’m trapped here in this clubhouse with all my problems glaring at me. I think I’m going to go crazy. That one trip to Gutter’s security firm wasn’t enough.
I need out of here. I can only dream. Since Eva was kidnapped, King has been a beast about our safety and knowing where his girls are at all times. It’s driving us all nuts.
Not that Eva or Misty want to do much these days. I’m guaranteed to find the two of them doing one of three things, sleeping, eating, or puking. Trust me, I don’t want to be around for any of those.
I’ve spent a lot of time here in Sugar’s room. Or should I say, her makeshift hospital room here in the club. She still hasn’t woken. Diggs and Axle raised hell in the hospital until they released Sugar into our care, thanks to Thor.
“You going to sit in here all day?” Reap asks from the door. “It’s a nice day out. You could use some fresh air for yourself.”
I look at Sugar. “Thought I’d spent a little time with her before heading out there.”
Reap moves into the room. “I think they would’ve busted her out of that hospital if they didn’t release her,” she says as she sits in the other chair in the room.
The infirmary wasn’t good enough for Sugar. Axle insisted she have her own room. Diggs has spared no expense to bring in a doc to see to her around-the-clock care. The good doctor, Pike Fisher, aka Thor, is an interesting character. Then again, Lost Souls come in all shapes, sizes, and professions.
“You and me both. At least Thor seems hopeful. He says he expects Sugar to wake and have a full recovery with time. Her body is resting and taking its time,” I reply.
“What’s going on with you and Gutter?”
I blow out a breath. “I have no idea, Erica. One minute everything is fine, the next he seems so angry or distant. Or… I can’t put my finger on it.”
“You know the brother had a lot of shit going on in his head before you guys hooked up.”
“Yeah, I got that, but that’s also what we started our relationship on. Honesty and transparency. Something’s tearing him up. I feel like this is something I can help with if he’ll—”
I cut off before I can expose anymore of my thoughts. Erica narrows her eyes at me and nods to herself. Turning, she leans in to kiss Sugar’s cheek before turning back to me.
She bounces up to stand. “Listen, you’re coming with me. Sug will be fine. I saw Thor and Axel headed this way. King stopped them for a sec, but I’m sure they’ll be here any minute,” she says.
I purse my lips but toss the magazine down and follow her. The aura around here is so somber. I need to get away to breathe.
It doesn’t help that my past is always haunting my brain. That crazy bastard and his friend are still out there, and I have no idea what they want. I don’t even know where they are.
“Fix your face,” Reap commands and pokes my side as we walk outside. “Look at that. Sunshine. Enjoy it.”
“Yo, Reap. Come here,” Grim calls across the yard.
She rolls her eyes but takes off in his direction. I smile at my friend, she seems so happy these days. Grim really is her other half.
“Perfection takes time, right?” I mutter to myself.
My mind turns back to the two out there lurking. I get this eerie feeling, as if I’m being watched even now. I wish I knew more.
Gutter won’t talk about it. He keeps telling me not to worry. That’s total bullshit. How can I not worry?
They broke into my place, went through my things, trashed my stuff. The worst part is, I don’t know if that was the real Marvin Hoover in my place or the bastard who raped me, Philip Spencer.
I’m creeped out either way, but knowing it could be Philip turns my blood cold. I rub my temples and take a seat on the back step of the deck, staring out into the large backyard area. Eva and my mom are walking side by side.
Two weeks and it still hurts like hell that she doesn’t remember us. I’ve tried repeatedly to get her to remember me, somehow. I’ve told her stories; I’ve shown her pictures. None of that has seemed to work.
My heart breaks every time she looks at me with those sad eyes. As if she’s disappointing me by not being able to remember. I can see how much she tries. I’m disappointed, sure, but I hurt more for the last six years of her life that she’s lost.
I hurt for Dad. Cage looks like a wounded puppy every time Mom looks up at him in fear. Dad’s a large man. Mom is short, like Eva. She flinches every time Cage towers over her. Yet, you can see she’s curious about him. That magnetic pull is still lurking between them, I saw it the night I spent with them.
I think she’s just scared. I know the scars don’t help. Cage will always be a handsome man. However, his right side is a mess.
It looks like someone dragged his face across the pavement, which is basically what they said happened. It’s painful to look at if you knew him before, but his true good looks and big heart shine through it all.
I watch my parents and wonder if they will make it through this. If there’s no hope for Mom and Dad, then I don’t know how Gutter and I can hope to make it through all of this. I release a heavy sigh and look away from two of the most important women in my life.
“This shit ain’t easy,” the rough gravelly voice comes from behind me.
I look over my shoulder to find the only man I’ve ever called Dad. At first glance, Cage stands there looking like the pillar of strength I remember. Upon further inspection, I see the slight trimmer in his right arm. It still doesn’t change the fact that he’s the greatest dad in the world.
He nods at Mom and Eva. “You’ve been out here for about an hour now, staring and lost in your thoughts. Dangerous, darling,” Cage says, turning to lock eyes with me. “I know how that mind works. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to fix everything. Some things you’re gonna have to learn to let go. This is one of ‘em.”
I shake my head, feeling the tears burn the backs of my eyes. “There’s so much going on. If I could just do something,” I say, feeling like the little girl I used to be when Cage would fix my little world.
He moves to sit next to me on the step. He rests his big arms on his thighs, letting his hands hang. Leaning over, he bumps me with his shoulder, bringing a small smile to my lips.
“What’s going on with your mama is something we all have to be patient with. You think I don’t want to hold my woman in my arms and hear her laughter ring out around me? I’d die for that sweet sound. Just to know I brought it to her lips would make me a happy man,” he snorts and gives a small grin.
He rubs his jaw and continues. “That boy, Gutter. Don’t know him well enough yet, but your brother says he’s loyal.” Cage chuckles. “King wants to kick his ass for touching you, but he still believes he deserves to be here.
“I trust King’s judgment. I think I would’ve made the same decision when it comes to Gutter. It’s in his eyes. He’s a Lost Soul, all right. I don’t doubt his role in the Squad either.”
He takes a pause and looks me in my eyes. He’s probing. I don’t have it in me to shut him out.
He continues. “I know you’re not telling us something, little one. It’s written all over both of your faces. That boy is determined to make whatever it is right. He asked King to trust him. Said we don’t want to know and if we find out the truth, it should be from you.
“Turned around and told us, don’t fucking ask you either.” Cage gives a full belly laugh. “The boy has a lot of balls, I tell you that much. You’re my baby girl. I raised you as my own. I know you better than most.”
He gives another pause, reaching to cup my face. There’s hurt in his eyes. In this moment, I want to tell him everything. I just can’t find the words.
He clenches his jaw as he reads something in the depths of my eyes. It’s his way.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you. Whoever the bastard is, that touched you. He’s a dead man,” he says, without me telling him a word.
I throw myself in his arms and start to sob. I’ve needed this for so long, my daddy. Between Gutter and my daddy, I know all will be right in my world.
“I love you so much,” I sob through my tears.
“You have no idea how much I love you. That boy loves you too, but he’s one of the truly lost, Sal. You don’t give up on him. Women like you and your mama are what keep us from going over the edge.
“I see him struggling. He’ll find his way to you,” he says with so much reassurance I truly believe him.
Gutter
I push off the wall just inside the back door. I’d been looking for Sal. It’s been a hard week and I just wanted to try to talk to her.
I know I’m fucking things up. I just haven’t figured out how to stop. My demons are riding my ass, and I don’t want to drag her into that.
Seeing her with her dad twists a knife in my chest. Cage has been nothing but welcoming to me. I’m learning to understand him, and I’ve already developed a deep respect for him.
I’ve watched him with Sal, Eva, Reap, and Misty. I’ve also watched him with his wife. He tries not to get too close, to give Rose space, but he’s always there, watching over her. It’s how I’ve become with Sal over the last few weeks.
She sees too much when she looks at me. I fear what she’ll really see if I let her look too deeply. My past has come back with a vengeance. I can’t say the last time I’ve slept.
I usually lie in bed until Salalia falls asleep. Then I sit there staring at the ceiling, doubting myself, my future, my happiness. Terry has called every day since we arrived in South Carolina. He has left a message each time, but like a coward, I won’t listen to them.
I can’t handle all of that now. I may have gotten Sal home safely, but there’s still a threat out there I need to handle. That Spencer fucker is a slippery bastard, but I’ll find him. He’s bound to fuck up.
“You got that for me?” King grumbles beside me.
I turn to face him, nod, and reach into my cut. I pull out the drive with everything Ramon and Stormy sent me. They found a few guys still lurking around the B&B.
“It’s essentially the same shit Grim and Reap got from Blaze. Devil’s Masons are getting behind some motherfucker,” I say.
“Pop, that motherfucker is Pop. I know it is,” he growls.
I shrug. “Still not getting a name from any of them. It does sound like he’s bringing in some muscle to help with this. Not talking about your friend from Brazil, either.”
King’s jaw tightens, he rolls his neck. Ignoring my statement, he looks into my eyes. “Fix whatever you fucked up with Sal. I hate seeing her like this,” King demands before walking off.
I huff and turn back to look outside. Sal is now standing with Eva, Cage, and Rose. Rose looks like a frightened bird as she tries not to look up at Cage.
I release another huff and rub my forehead. I couldn’t handle if Sal were ever to look at me with that type of fear. I never want to hurt her and have her look at me that way, but letting go isn’t an option. I have to figure this out before I cause the most important person in my life pain.
“Fuck,” I grunt under my breath.