Never by Blue Saffire

Chapter 33

Our Family

Sal

Big strong arms go around my waist, bringing a smile to my face. I tilt my head back to rest on his shoulder and Gutter places a kiss on my forehead. It’s been two days since my talk with Daddy.

I’ve given Gutter his space. Every time I think he’s about to open up to me, he shuts down again. I’m trying to be patient.

“I thought we could go shopping for some things for the apartment tomorrow,” he murmurs.

“I thought you wanted to wait until King called this lockdown off?” I wrinkle my brows.

Gutter gives an unusual smile that takes my breath away. “What do you think all the partying is about?” he asks.

I palm my forehead. “I wasn’t thinking. I was lost in my own thoughts. I just wandered out here, really. I needed some fresh air.”

He turns me in his arms, lifting my face to his. “I know I haven’t been what you need. I have a lot going on in my head. It’s grating on my fucking nerves that we…” He stops, his nostrils flaring. “Just know I want to make you happy,” he says, while holding my gaze.

“I told you before, I’m not hard to please. Just stop shutting me out,” I plead.

He closes his eyes. After releasing a long, deep breath, he opens them again. “Take a walk with me.”

I nod, lacing my fingers with his. Everyone’s buzzing about, getting the grills started, lighting a few bonfires, and setting chairs around in little groups and cliques.

I smile to myself when I see the Squad forming their own group. I now know who all the members are. I have to say some surprised me, others not so much.

“You’re lucky to have so many people who care about you,” Gutter speaks, drawing my attention back to him.

“Yeah, I guess I am. It’s been a while since I’ve had this feeling. Having Mom and Dad back has changed a lot,” I muse.

“I bet. How are you holding up?” he asks with sincerity in his eyes.

“Honestly, some days are better than others. I swear, Mom remembered something today. Then just like that.” I snap my fingers. “It was gone.”

“Yeah, that has to be hard on her. I know she wants to remember you guys.”

“I just wish there was more we could do.”

“Just keep at it. You don’t want to have regrets later,” he says, the emotions in his voice catching me off guard.

We stop a ways from everyone else. I turn to look up at him. For once, his face isn’t totally guarded. I’m hopeful he will let me in.

“Do you have regrets?” I ask cautiously.

He closes his eyes and nods. “I have a lot of regrets. They’re eating me alive,” he responds. When he opens his eyes, I see a sea of emotions running through them. “I tried to commit suicide once. It was the same night my cousin, Terry tried. He was a little more successful at it than I was.”

I gasp and move closer to wrap my arms around his waist. “Is he okay? I’m confused.”

“The only friend we had as kids found him in a tub of his own blood. When Terry is fucked up, he has this mean streak. If he’s hurting, he wants you to hurt, too. It’s one of the reasons I needed a clean break from him.

“He chose to take his life, and he wanted to leave me a reminder of it. I was supposed to have taken off out of town. I guess he thought it would haunt me that I left and couldn’t get to him in time.

“He texted me pictures of the fucked-up mess he pulled. I didn’t get them until the next morning, when I woke in a hotel from my own attempt.” He blows out a long breath and rubs his forehead. “That shit haunts me already. Now Terry has been calling me.

“I don’t know what he wants, and I don’t know if I want to be pulled into all that shit again. People change, but when you’re as fucked up as we were.” He shakes his head. “I just don’t know. I can’t go through any of that shit again. It all still fucks with my head.”

“Wow, I… I can’t imagine going through that.” I purse my lips and look away. I know he’s not going to want to hear what I’m about to say. “Pierson, what if he has changed? What if he’s reaching out to you because he’s changed?”

“What if he hasn’t?” he says with so much bite in his voice I turn to look up at him again.

I lift my hand. “Wait, just hear me out. You said yourself you two were like brothers. You were all each other had. Yeah, things got bad, but you’re all he has and he’s the only family you have… other than me.

“What if we have a baby, like Eva and King? Don’t you want your only blood to be a part of that? If you can fix it, you should fix it.”

I shiver as his face turns cold. I’m shut out again. I can’t read any of his thoughts. I bite my lip, thinking I just may have said too much.

He shakes his head. “I would never have children,” he says.

I whip my head back like I’ve been slapped. I don’t even realize I’ve taken a step back until a breeze seems to pass through us. I know his childhood wasn’t the greatest, but it never occurred to me he wouldn’t want children.

I kick myself inwardly for not taking more time to get to know the man I’ve fallen so deeply for. I don’t even think he takes in the fact that I’m drawing into myself. He’s too far gone in his own head. I can now see the wheels turning.

“You haven’t even begun to see how fucked up I am. I would fuck a kid up trying to play daddy. You just said it, if something happened to me, I have no one. My kid would be fucked.” He shakes his head adamantly.

“No, I won’t do that. As for Terry, I… fuck, I just don’t know.” He passes his hand through his hair.

“You don’t have to decide tonight,” I reply. “Listen, we can go shopping tomorrow. I’m going to head over and sit with Sugar. You have fun with the guys.”

His eyes grow wide. It must finally hit him that I’m upset. I’ve lost my appetite and I’m not in the mood for fun. I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

“Sal,” he starts, but I hold up my hand.

“We’ll talk later. I’m not feeling so well,” I say over my shoulder, already in motion.

Gutter

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

That was not the way I expected this to go. I don’t even know what just happened. I wanted to open up and tell Salalia what’s been going on with me. I didn’t think she would take Terry’s side.

I puff out my lips in exasperation. I don’t know how to do this relationship shit. I feel like it’s over before it has gotten started. Nothing I do seems to be right, and we have too much shit going on.

Prez handled some of the shit headed our way, but there’s more just lurking. I haven’t felt this out of control of my surroundings and life in so long. Fuck, I have no idea how Sal is going to handle living with me.

“So, you thought love was easy.” I turn my head to find Cage watching me closely.

“No, but I sure as fuck didn’t think it would be this hard.”

He throws his head back and laughs. When his laughter dies down, he hands over one of the beers in his hands. I take it and welcome a long pull. It’s been a long fucking day.

“I hear my little girl is moving in with you,” he states more than asks.

I nod. “Yeah, that’s the plan if I stop fucking it up.”

He chuckles and pats me on the back. I turn to look him in the eyes. Cage is a big and tall man like me.

“Sal is the easiest to please out of my girls. She has a need to understand everything around her so she can fix it. She’ll take anything she can apart to piece it back together,” he says the words as if they have so much more meaning, so I stop to think them over.

“Does that mean she feels the need to fix me?”

“Eventually, she’ll pick at all that shit you’re hiding away. Then she’ll figure out how to set you right,” Cage says, then furrows his brows. The way he stares into my eyes makes me feel like he can see through me.

“You sure you can handle that? I see those demons swimming. She’s going to strip you bare. It’s what those women do. It’s how her mama made a real man out of me.”

“I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about dumping all that shit on her,” I say gruffly.

“Now see, that would be your problem, son,” he grunts and shakes his head. “I know something happened to my baby girl while I was gone, but she’s still a survivor. Sal does what she needs to survive. Even when she’s motionless, she’s in motion.”

“Yeah, I get that.” I sigh heavily.

“I say we get over there and get some of that barbeque before the rest of ‘em polish it all off.” He nods at the lines forming by the grills.

“All right.” I bob my head and take another pull of my beer.

“Oh, and son,” Cage calls. I look at him again. “I’m not King. I won’t be asking Sal shit. I’m telling you. Before the night is over, you’re going to tell me what the fuck happened to her.”

“Figured that was coming,” I snort, humorlessly.

“Damn right.”