Badge by K.L. Savage

 

Imake sure to grab a shirt before I head to Maizey’s room—not that I’m able to get there. Everyone is waiting in the living room and it’s way too quiet. I sigh and scrub my hand over my head, avoiding my bruised face.

“This is why I never said anything. This is one of the many reasons I kept my private life to myself. This.” I point my finger at everyone in the crowd, and everyone is looking at me with pity. “I don’t want your pity.”

“Badge, we are concerned about you,” Reaper says.

Bullseye is standing next to him with Tool, and he can’t even look me in the eyes.

“Concerned about me? You have no reason to be concerned about me. I’m happy for the first time in over twenty years. There is no point in being concerned about me. When I first came to Vegas, when I brought Poodle with me—you remember that, don’t you, Poodle?” I call out to him, placing my hands on my hips and hang my head.

“Yeah, I remember,” Poodle nods sadly. “We were both in a dark place.”

“Yeah, we were both in a dark place. That was when someone should have been concerned. Actually, when I was eighteen and my daughter died and my wife become a drug addict—no offense Mars or Sunnie. I’m not speaking badly,” I make sure I clarify.

“No, it’s okay. We understand.” Sunnie rubs her stomach. It’s huge since she is carrying triplets, but it still isn’t as big as Mary’s, which makes me wonder what the hell she’s carrying in there.

“Someone should have been concerned when I divorced my wife and buried my two-month-old daughter,” I sneer. “But no one was there. Not even my family. My parents. They disappeared off the face of the earth, heartbroken that their only grandchild died.” I eliminate the distance between me and Bullseye, his eyes flickering over my face. Regret shines in his eyes. “Don’t do that. Don’t feel bad for hitting me because my daughter died and I’m with yours. Don’t. Just… don’t.”

“Badge—”

“—Have any of you ever seen a casket made for a two-month-old?” I ask, darting my eyes around the group. “I don’t need your pity or your silence. What I need are my friends, because that image has been stuck in my head for years. And it’ll stay there for the rest of my life.”

“We are your friends. We want you to know you can talk to us,” Reaper says.

“Talk to you?” I chuckle and take a step away. “Yeah, from the feel of my face I get that message.” I give them my back and knock on Maizey’s door.

She swings it open and she’s in her princess dress and crown. Typical Maze. When she sees me, her smile fades and she goes to slam the door in my face. I catch it with my hand. “Maze, can I please talk to you?” I take the edge and anger out of my voice from talking to the adults and soften it just for her. “Please? I could use a friend.”

She rolls her eyes and opens her door. “Fine, but if you come in here, you have to wear a tiara and you have to let me do your makeup.” Maizey crosses her arms, thinking I’ll say no because I’m usually so difficult to convince.

But the truth is, I love it. I always wanted to do that with Amber. It’s just hard to play princess and plan tea parties when I was supposed to do that with my own daughter. I’m trying to put the pain behind me. I have to. It’s time to take a step forward. “I’d be glad to, if you allow me inside.”

She looks at me skeptically, tapping her finger against her chin, but then steps out of the way.

I grin, then wince when the cut pulls. I leave the door open, not wanting Reaper to think he can’t trust me with Maizey. I sit down in the pink chair in front of a purple sparkly table. Her room is very girly. Glitter is almost always everywhere. Her comforter is hot pink with a silver glittery canopy and on the left wall are matching stars.

Maizey grabs the plastic tiara with fake red and blue gems all over it and plops it down on my head. Next, she hands me a wand, and then she places stuffed animals around the table before setting up for a tea party. I get the pretty blue plastic teacup, per usual. She hums as she pours the fake tea and then sits down in the chair across the table from me and sips with her pinky up.

Right. Pinkies up. Nearly forgot.

I sip my tea and hiss. “Sorry. It’s hot.” I blow on it and she giggles, a high-pitched sound full of youth and imagination. “Princess Maizey, I wanted to apologize for yelling at you. It isn’t an excuse, but I was having a really bad day. I had a lot going on in my head and I took it out on you. I apologize.”

“Why did you yell at me, Uncle Badge?” she asks, her voice full of sadness. Her bottom lip pokes out.

“Well, I’ve been struggling for a really long time. You know what struggling means, don’t you?”

She nods and helps the bear next to her sip her tea.

“I had a little girl once.”

“Really?” she gasps with a toothless smile. “Wait, once?”

So smart. Maizey always catches on quick.

“I was young, around your mommy’s age when my Amber was born. But she didn’t live long.” I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that out loud without getting choked up.

“Why?”

“It is called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. They don’t really have a great medical reason as to why it happens yet. It just… does. She was two months old, so her birthday is around the corner, and I get a little extra grouchy than usual—you know, kind of like Uncle Mars gets for his sister’s birthday.”

Maizey’s bottom lip begins to tremble, and I set down my cup on my saucer and place it on the table. “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

A loud wail sounds, and she runs around the table, the fluff of her tutu flowing behind her as she stretches out her arms and jumps on me. I grunt from the pain since she hits my shoulder, but I take it because I need the hug.

“Uncle Badge I’m sorry. That’s really sad,” she cries, and I hear the pound of Reaper’s boots against the floor. He pauses at the door and when he sees us, he gives a small smile and takes a step away to leave us alone. “You must have been so sad every time you played with me.” She leans back and wipes her face, placing her wet palm on my cheek.

“I was, but I’m working on it. It’s why I’m here to apologize to you. Because you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from me.”

Maizey sniffles and places her head on my shoulder, and I close my eyes as I soak up her love. Fucking hell, kids really know how to make a guy emotional.

“It’s okay, Uncle Badge. I forgive you.”

“Oh, that’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

“I love you, Uncle Badge.”

My breath hitches when I hear the words. “Ah, Maze. I love you too.” I tighten my arms around her before loosening them, but Maizey doesn’t let go.

“Not yet. You’re warm and cozy, and I’m sleepy.” She yawns, burying her cheek against my shoulder.

I glance up to see Reaper nod at me and mouth, “I’m sorry.”

I give him an acknowledgment nod, then rub my fingers through Maizey’s hair. I don’t know how long I sit in a hard, plastic seat made for children much smaller than me, but my ass begins to go numb. I try stretching my legs and my foot hits one of the other chairs. The bear falls to the floor, and I wince, hoping he’s okay.

And then I roll my eyes.

It’s a damn stuffed animal, of course it’s okay.

Maizey’s breath becomes even, and I slowly get up and walk around the play table. When I get to the bed, I lie her down gently, then peel her arms away from my neck. I grab the comforter and pull it to her chin, leaving the tiara on her head. My fingers brush down her cheek and I sit on the edge of the bed. I’m not ready to go just yet.

If Amber got the chance to grow up, I’d want her to be just like Maizey.

I know Reaper is behind me. The man has a presence that changes the atmosphere of every room. “You have an amazing little girl, Reaper,” I say, straightening my tiara when it begins to slide off.

I’m a fucking Princess.

“I know. She’s pretty great.” He flips on the nightlight and turns off the bigger one. “I should have known better.” He grabs the tiny chair the bear was in and drags it closer to the bed, spins it around, and straddles it to sit. “You’re too good with her. I thought you tolerated her at best, but I should have known.”

“It’s alright. You can’t read minds.”

“Man, if Seer could rub off on me just a little, that would be great.”

I chuckle. “I think all of us could use that power.”

“Badge, I really do want to apologize. I should have been a better friend. I noticed all those years ago when my dad was in charge. I saw how dark of a place you were in. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready, so I never pushed. But I should have. I’m so damn sorry to hear about your daughter. I can relate while not being able to relate. Sarah miscarried, it fucking hurt so bad, but I felt like I couldn’t show it because she needed me to be strong. I never got to meet the baby, neither of us did, but I know what the loss feels like, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I imagine in your case it hurt more than mine, because you got to experience her.”

“Pain is pain, Reaper. Don’t compare it.” I turn and look around the room. “I wish all those years ago I didn’t leave her there when I ran away from the pain. I should have moved her with me.”

“Badge, if that’s what you want, consider it done.”

“Really?” I pat my chest to clear the bubble choking me. “You’d let me bury her in our plot?”

“The plot is for family, and Amber is most definitely family.”

“I couldn’t afford it then, but I’d like to get her a nice casket too. I want her to have everything she can in death since I couldn’t give it to her in life. Sorry.” I attempt to clear my throat again when my voice breaks.

“Don’t apologize for missing your little girl. I’d miss mine. I miss the one I never got to meet. I think about that baby every day, Badge. In this club, we might kill and do some questionable things…”

Both of us laugh.

“But that don’t mean we aren’t human. Like you said, pain is pain, and half the time, that’s what drives us to do what we do.” He gets up and sets the chair where it belongs.

“Reaper?”

“Yeah, brother?”

“You’re going to be so pissed, but I have something to tell you.” I get up from Maizey’s bed and take the tiara off.

I don’t feel like such a princess now.

He crosses his arms and lifts one brow so high, it nearly touches his hairline. I’ve never seen an arch so high. “I started my own private investigation firm and I’ve been investigating murderers around Vegas. Three around Moretti’s hotel. That’s how I knew the baby downstairs didn’t have anyone. His mom was a druggie, no family or anything, Moretti checked.”

“I know about your company, Badge.”

“You do?”

“I know everything. I just wait to see if someone will tell me the truth. The murders—will they affect the club?”

“I don’t think so? Seems to me the killer is only interested in women who want to give their babies up for adoption.”

“When all of this blows over, we will talk punishment for you lying to me about the murders. As for the investigation—” he holds out his hand for mine, “—I should have never made you choose between you and your badge.”

I grip his hand in a firm shake, feeling like a huge weight is lifting off my shoulders. I had no idea how much that was weighing me down, but right now, my lungs can fully expand.

So this is what it’s like to be able to breathe again.

Who knew?