Badge by K.L. Savage
Isaw those pictures and lost my mind. I couldn’t even focus on the case. I knew that when she came back from her date, I’d snap.
I did and I don’t regret it one bit.
There are a hundred things I have to worry about, but Hope isn’t one of them. She’s the only person that’s ever made me feel like everything will be okay. She hasn’t said it and she probably won’t, because she knows not everything will always be okay. With one touch, she silences the strife inside me.
One. Touch.
No one should hold that kind of power, but she does.
I’ve held guns, tasers, and knives. I’ve worn a badge that has made me feel powerful, unstoppable, and almost as if I had some magic superpower. And at the end of the day, I always felt weak.
Hope makes me feel at peace.
I stroke my hands down her body as she still tries to catch her breath. I can’t get enough of her skin. Her skin is soft, and her round tits spill out of my hands, just how I like them. I bend down, needing one more taste of her tight, red nipples. I kiss one, then make my way to the other, my cock still hard and locked inside her.
Heaven.
And I never want to leave because I know this is the only holy experience I’ll ever have.
I kiss the middle of her chest and press my cheek against the thumping heartbeat. Her arms wrap around me and I’m home.
She runs her fingers through my hair and then begins to laugh. Her chest jumps, which has me lifting my head to see what’s so funny.
“Laughing while I’m still inside you doesn’t make a man feel great,” I grumble and try to slide out of her, but she holds onto me.
“I’m sorry. No, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at this situation and how it happened. You literally picked me up by my throat and slammed on the bed. And then I experienced the best sex of my life. I’ve been waiting for this moment, and it was so much better than any dream of mine.”
I grin and press my lips against the soft flesh along her ribs. Hearing that definitely makes me feel better, but then I remember that I practically choke-slammed her. “Jesus, are you okay?” I rush off her, slipping out of her warmth as I brush my fingers against her neck to make sure I didn’t bruise her. “I’m so sorry. I wanted you so much. I wanted to show you who you were meant to be with, and I got carried away—”
“—Always get carried away. Never not get carried away. That was perfect. God, I loved it.” She stretches her arms above her head, and I can’t help myself, I run my hands down her body and cup her breasts again.
I can’t get enough.
“I really was pissed when I saw those pictures. It took all I had not to be at the door and punch that asshole in the face for taking you out. I want to take you out.”
“Take me out then,” she challenges me.
“I’m going to after I tell your dad about us,” I inform her.
“Can we wait a few days?”
“Do you not want him to know?”
“Of course I do. I want to enjoy some time with you before he gets pissed off. I’m not asking we hide forever, just a few days. I want to get to know you without my dad being pissed off. Is that okay?”
“So you kind of want to sneak around as if I’m some forbidden teenage boy?”
She giggles as I take her hand and lift her up. “Maybe. Is that so bad?”
“Hell no. It’s kind of hot sneaking around and trying to get a quick touch without someone looking.” I tug my shirt over her head and her brows bunch in confusion when I slip on my pants.
“You’re leaving?”
“No, we are going to my room,” I say. “My bed is bigger, and I want as much room as possible while I have my way with you all night.”
“And what if I said this was just a one-time thing?” she teases.
I scoff and drag her behind me and open the bedroom door. “I’ll just grab your throat again and slam you on the bed.”
She inhales, her breath hitching, and I smirk. “And then you’re going to spread your legs so I can show you just how often ‘a one-time thing’ can happen.”
“Badge,” she scolds my name, and a gorgeous flush takes over her cheeks.
I peek my head out the door, double-checking to make sure we are alone, then slip us out the door to go to my room at the end of the hall.
I open the door and shove her through, and the shirt rides up, giving me a tease of her perfect ass. I can’t help myself, I lock the door and run up behind her, squeezing the perky globes almost as hard as I can. She squeals and falls to the bed giggling. I climb on top of her, move her hair out of her face, and kiss the lips that have changed my life forever.
Someone so young, with their entire life ahead of them, should have nothing to do with me, but I’m going to make sure her life with me is the best it can be.
“I really am sorry,” I tell her earnestly, my lips rubbing against hers. “I never once wanted to reject you. It killed me every time it did.”
“Why did you?” she asks.
I fall to my side, and she rolls to mimic my position. “You made a lot of confusing emotions come to the surface. Things I hadn’t faced in a very long time. I wanted you, but I didn’t know how to have you.”
“Why? And why do you pretend to hate kids? I know you don’t. I’ve seen your face when you hold Faith or play with Maizey. It’s obvious you care, but you don’t want to care, do you?”
I exhale and rub my finger on her shoulder, drawing circling in small motions as I think about what I want to say. I’ve had decades to figure it out, but I haven’t. I never thought I’d be in the position where I’d have to explain myself like this because I never planned on being in love, especially with a woman who has a kid.
“That’s a part of me I keep locked away, Hope.”
“You’re a fool if you think for one minute you lock it away. I don’t see us growing closer if you don’t tell me,” she says. “And I want us to, Forrest. I want us to get closer. I see everything with you, everything I never thought I’d have, but I can’t have that if you don’t share what makes you tick. You know about me. I don’t have much else to tell you. You know about me and everything I’m learning about myself now is new to me.”
I sit up and push my hands against my thighs. I stare at the nightstand and debate if I really want to go down this road. If I don’t, I have a feeling she’s going to get up and walk out that door, and I can’t allow that to happen again. Talking about this is going to cut me open.
“I don’t talk about it.”
“Ever? Not once?” she questions, kneeling behind me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
“No.” I shake my head. “I’ve never told anyone because it hurts when I think about it. If I talk about it, I can’t be in control of my emotions. I’ll break.”
“Sometimes in order to heal properly, we don’t just have to break, we have to shatter.” She kisses the middle of my neck and I hum, loving the attention she is giving me. “I won’t think less of you.”
“I know that. That isn’t why I haven’t told anyone. “
She runs her hands down my back, then curls her arms around my waist, pressing her chin against my shoulder as she waits for me to speak.
I open the nightstand and take out the kid’s book, then run my hand down the front over the title. It’s nothing special, just a simple Dr. Suess book. I’m pretty sure Faith has this book read to her all the time.
“When I was eighteen, I was married.”
“You’ve been married?” she sounds surprised, but not angry.
I chuckle when I hear the disbelief. “Yeah, she was my high school sweetheart.” I inhale a deep breath when that vault inside me begins to open. The memories come flooding back, and it’s all I can do to keep the tears from joining them.
“She got pregnant when were seventeen. I was just about to be eighteen, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I dropped out of school, got my GED, and became a cop. I had health insurance and everything for her and the baby. You know, they were everything to me, and I wanted to take care of them. I knew we were only together for the baby at that point. Together for so long, we didn’t know how not to be together, you know? We were so young.” I open the book and the picture of me and Amber is the first thing I see.
Hope slides beside me and takes the book in her hands, staring at the Polaroid picture with intensity. “This is you?”
“Yeah,” I begin to get teary-eyed. “And that’s Amber. My little girl.”
“You look so different,” she says in awe. “And Amber is beautiful. Look at those cheeks.” She pretends to pinch them.
I stare up at the ceiling and nod. “I know. I loved her cheeks.”
“Loved? As in past tense?”
“I was out on a call that night. I was a rookie. Fresh on the beat and I was so fucking eager. I got a call to the Ruthless Kings clubhouse, now this is back when I lived in Oklahoma. Two guys were fighting over a girl, no big deal, but the Prez wanted me to prospect. I didn’t think anything of it. He liked I was loyal and doing what I could for my family.” I take her hand in mine and squeeze. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, it isn’t important. I guess my point is that it was just like any other night. My marriage with Haley wasn’t great. She was stressed out, a new mom, and she hated I wasn’t home more, but I had to be out. I had to work. I did what I could when I was home. I was a deadbeat dad.”
I steal a glance at the picture and pinch my eyes shut. “I came home from the wildest night of my first few months as a cop. I got to speed, flip the sirens, and drift. My heart raced with so much adrenaline. And then I got home. And—uh—” I choke and turn my head away. “I can’t… I need a minute.” I try and take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. It all feels like it happened yesterday.
“Forrest, take your time, I’m not going anywhere.” Hope laces our fingers together and continues to analyze the picture.
My eyes are wet by the time I open them, but I think I’m okay. “I knew something was different when I pulled into the driveway. The living room light was on, which normally it wasn’t, but I thought she was up with Amber. But when I went inside, Haley was passed out on the couch. Again, didn’t think anything of it. I knew she was probably tired.”
A tear escapes and I turn my head to look away, but Hope’s fingers are against my chin gently making me stare at her. Her eyes are watering too, and I clutch onto both of her hands. “I made sure to be really quiet when I entered Amber’s room. I didn’t want to wake her. I took my time, flipped on the night light. I went to pick her up and she was…” I break, a sob escaping me. “She was so fucking cold.”
Hope gasps and claps a hand to her mouth, tears already brimming in her eyes.
“Like a fucking dumbass, I grabbed a blanket thinking she needed warmth. But she didn’t move, Hope. She didn’t make a sound, she didn’t wiggle in my hands like she usually did, she just didn’t move. She wasn’t breathing.”
A shudder runs through my entire body. It feels like it happened yesterday. I start hyperventilating, but Hope grips my hand harder.
One touch is all she needs to soothe me. I give her a grateful look, no longer caring that tears are running down my cheeks.
“Her lips were blue, and I started CPR. And then I started to get mad. Like what the fuck was Haley doing while I was at work and our little girl was in here? So I ran into the living room and tried to wake Haley up but she wouldn’t. She was passed out. When I finally got her awake, she saw Amber wasn’t breathing and she puked. Haley had swallowed about four or five pills and her pupils were blown. She was fucking high. I was livid. The ambulance came, my department showed at the hospital, and we waited.”
Another tear falls and it hits the corner of the book. “My partner said we could charge her with a few things, but I didn’t want to because even though I was pissed, I knew she was going through this pain too. She loved Amber. I think she had hoped for her life to be different, but she loved our daughter. And then the doctor came and told us they did everything they could, but Amber was gone. She was only two months old when she died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.”
“Forrest.” Hope squeezes my hands harder and rests her head on my shoulder. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”
“I became very resentful to Haley. I knew it wasn’t her fault. There was nothing that could have been done, but I just kept thinking, what if she hadn’t been passed out? What if Amber cried? What if Haley was watching her and could have gotten to her in time? And those questions just made me hate her. I filed for divorce and after I buried my little girl, I told myself I wasn’t ever going to love another kid because kids were weak and small. They can’t protect themselves. And I thought if I told the lie to myself enough, I’d eventually believe it, but I fought it every day. And then the Club started to expand. Kids came here and babies were born and how the fuck am I supposed to hate them then? I’m so attached to the baby downstairs, and I’ve named him Jay. I want to be there for him. I want to be there for him like I wasn’t there for Amber.”
“Forrest—”
I get to my knees and press my cheek against her lap as I hold onto her. “Please, don’t hate me. Don’t hate me. I did everything. I tried my hardest for her, but she didn’t come back.” My tears drop onto her leg. “I’m so sorry.”
“Forrest. Oh, baby.” Her words break as she lifts my head and holds her hands against my face. “It isn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It isn’t your fault,” she repeats. “If love would have been enough, I have no doubt Amber would have lived because of how much you loved her.”
“I did. I do. I miss her. I didn’t have enough time. I wanted more. It isn’t fair. Everyone around me has healthy babies, but me… I have to live knowing I’ll forever outlive Amber and it’s so unfair.” I clutch my heart with my hand. “And it won’t stop hurting.”
“Come here,” she whispers, lying down on the bed. She holds out her arms to me, the book against her chest.
I climb on the bed, feeling like a child myself as I snuggle against her. I tuck us under the covers, and she begins to read the book to me. It’s embarrassing, but I cry with every word, holding her close, thinking about the two months where I read this book every day to Amber.
It’s cathartic letting all of the pain out. I don’t feel judged, but safe.
I’m trusting Hope with my pain and she’s doing her best to make it better.
The thing about pain is that it always feels better when there is a way for it to be released.
And like a damn baby, I cry until I fall asleep, not caring how weak it makes me seem.
