Taken by E.M. Leya
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Trenton stared out the car window at the people walking in and out of the mall entrance. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but the thought of walking into a public place now scared the hell out of him. It wasn't as if anyone would know him. People wouldn't associate him with the Mansion of Horrors as the media had correctly named the place he'd been held.
"We don't have to go in. We can find another place that isn't so crowded." Ben turned off the ignition and pulled out the key.
"No, I need to do this." He'd lost so much weight that most of his clothes didn't fit right anymore. He needed to replace almost everything. "This shouldn't be a big deal."
"But it is, so we deal with it. There are two choices, we wait and try again later or we face it and go inside."
"I need clothes." He hated that even his underwear was baggy. "And I need to face this fear. I could see a fear of being alone, a fear of the dark, a fear of chain-link even, but this makes no sense." He shook his head. "This isn't who I am. I don't let anything stop me."
"Then don't let this." Ben met his gaze.
"You're right. In and out. It won't be bad once I figure out my new sizes." He put his hand on the handle to open the door. It took him a few seconds, but he finally pushed it open.
The afternoon heat hit him as he forced himself to get out of the car. He shut the door and tried not to let the sound of Ben locking the car bother him. He should fear being locked in, not locked out. He was so messed up. Making sure to keep the weight off his leg, he waited for Ben to bring his knee scooter over so he could get around.
"Let's get clothes, then I'll buy us Mexican for dinner. We can take it home and find another movie." Ben set the scooter in place.
"Sounds good." Trenton focused on the mall's entry and started to walk. Over the last four days, Ben had hardly left his side. Other than running a few errands and a couple of meetings with the D.A., he'd spent all of his time with him. It was more than Trenton expected, but it was also very much appreciated. In just the hour or two he was left alone, he felt the fear begin and the walls start to close in around him. He'd refused to ask any of the team over to keep him company, not wanting them to know what a mess he'd become.
"Where first?"
Trenton named the store he wanted to go to. One he knew well and would be comfortable in. His goal was to get what he needed and get out. There was no reason why he was suddenly nervous around groups of people or maybe it was just being out in the open, but it was taking everything he had not to run back to the car.
"You okay?" Ben asked softly.
"Yeah, I will be. Is it weird to feel like everyone knows? I mean, I know they don't, but I feel like they do."
"I don't know if it's normal, but if it's how you feel, then it's important. We talked about this, there is no right or wrong." Ben nodded to the store Trenton named. "Want me to stay by your side or let you browse alone?"
"I'll be okay alone." He prayed he was telling the truth. He'd focus on the clothes and not the other people around. "Just don't go far."
"I won't let you out of sight." Ben gripped his good shoulder before turning to browse through a rack of shirts.
Trenton did as he always did, starting with pants, then shirts. He used to love shopping. He'd bring Faith and they'd spend thousands of dollars buying things they'd pick out for each other. He thought about bringing her this time, but he didn't want her to know how hard just getting through each day had become. As far as the team knew, he was hanging out with Ben and doing fine. They hadn't pushed him to come back to work. For that he was thankful. He just couldn't even think about signing on to the dark web and going through the things he used to.
He wondered how the team would react if he never went back. The more he thought about things, the more he was sure his time with the team was done. Not just because of his kidnapping, but he was burned out and tired. Years of watching kids tortured and abused had taken a toll on him. He wanted to travel, see the world, and forget the darkness that he'd faced every day at work. What he would do with his time, he had no clue. He had enough money saved he didn't have to work if he didn't want to, but he couldn't just sit at home doing nothing.
Once he had a few pairs of pants and shirts on the handle of his scooter, he headed back to the dressing room to see what fit him. He'd never been conscious of his body, but now he was so thin that he wondered if everyone thought he had an eating disorder. No matter how many times Ben assured him it wasn't as bad as he thought, he still saw nothing but skin and bones when he looked in the mirror. At least the bruises were healing.
He stopped outside one of the small dressing room doors and stared at it, trying to will himself to go in. He closed his eyes, remembering a memory from his childhood. He'd wanted a green shirt, but his father only allowed him to wear white. Trenton pressed his hand to his forehead, wondering why that memory hit him all of the sudden. He hadn't thought about his childhood in a long time. They were memories he'd banished long ago, or so he'd thought. He shook his head before taking a deep breath.
"Use the handicapped stall." Ben came up beside him. "It's got room for your scooter and will make it easier for you to try things on."
He wasn't sure how Ben always seemed to know when he was about to have a anxiety attack, but he did. "Yeah, that makes sense." He moved down the row to the bigger stall, then paused again.
"You okay?" Ben asked softly.
The thought of walking into that small room and locking the door had him nearly hyperventilating. He gripped the handle of his scooter tightly and shook his head.
"Do you have claustrophobia?" Ben asked.
"Never did before, but maybe now…" He pushed the door open and looked inside.
"How about if I come in with you? Would that help?"
Trenton glanced around, worried people would be upset, but there wasn't anyone else there watching them. "Yeah, maybe." He didn't have a thing to be shy about. Ben had seen him naked more than clothed.
As if he could read what he was thinking, Ben took the clothes from the scooter and walked into the room. "We'll just tell anyone who asks that you needed help because of your leg."
It wasn't a lie, but more for his shoulder than his leg. Ben had helped him get his shirts on every day because it was too hard to stretch his arm to do it easily himself. His leg was sore, but not hard to move. "Okay." He rolled the scooter into the stall, then turned to make room for Ben. He took a deep breath and reminded himself he wasn't alone and Ben wouldn't hurt him.
What the hell was going on with him? He was losing his mind. Simple things he'd been doing all of his life were becoming roadblocks in his life. He'd been dressing in changing rooms alone since he was a teen, maybe even earlier. He forced his fears back and focused on why he was there. He'd try on the clothes and then they could get out of there.
Without thinking, he took off the pants he was wearing and set them aside. His briefs were baggy, but he left them on. He'd know better what size underwear to get by what size pants fit. He used one hand on the wall to balance and keep most of the weight off his bad leg.
"Here." Ben handed him a pair of slacks.
"Thanks." Trenton took them and this time used the arm Ben offered for balance as he slid them on. "Well?" He glanced at Ben.
"I think if you go any smaller, they'll be too small. Besides, you're going to be slowly gaining weight back. The fact they're a little big in the waist isn't a bad thing. A belt will take care of that."
Trenton stared at himself in the mirror, hardly recognizing the man who stared back. Other than the weight loss, he hadn't really changed as far as his appearance went, but on the inside, he was a completely different person.
He must have stared too long because Ben gently gripped his shoulder. "Want to try this shirt?" He held up a button-up that Trenton had grabbed off a rack.
"Yeah, if it fits, we know my sizes. We don't have to try on the rest." He met Ben's worried gaze. "I'm okay, honest."
Ben frowned but didn't say anything.
It would be his luck he'd chase Ben away because he was acting so insane. The one person he could tolerate being around. The more he thought about how crazy he'd become, the crazier he felt. Still, nothing stopped the fear or the discomfort he had while doing simple things that used to be so normal for him.
With Ben's help, he got the t-shirt he was wearing off and the other shirt on. He worked the buttons halfway, then shook his head. "It's too big."
"Then this one." Ben handed him a smaller size.
"This is the first time in my life I've gone down in sizes." Trenton nearly tore the buttons lose in anger.
"Easy, let me." Ben stepped closer and undid the last few buttons. He eased it off Trenton's bad shoulder before reaching for the other shirt. "What's with the anger today?"
Trenton huffed but didn't answer. What could he say? He didn't understand it any more than Ben did. All he knew was everything seemed so hard now. He hated not being in control. Not being able to focus and do things with confidence.
The other shirt fit, but it only upset him more because it was about the same size he'd worn in junior high. He stared in the mirror again, wondering if he looked like some high school kid to people now, but nope, one thing that hadn't changed were the signs of age across his brow and around his eyes. He looked like a weak middle-aged man with an eating disorder.
"These work. I'll just grab more in these sizes and we can go." Trenton tried to take the shirt off by himself, forgetting about his shoulder. Pain raced down his arm and across his shoulders. He reached out, gripping the front of Ben's shirt to keep from falling.
"Take a minute. Breathe through it." Ben stared directly into his eyes.
He couldn't imagine doing this without Ben by his side, but he also hated that Ben had to feel more like a nurse or a babysitter than anything else right now. He expected him to get up and walk out any day.
The pain eased enough he could let Ben help him. He hated taking the pain pills, but today might be one of those days he took them when he got home. It made him feel weak. He'd watched Xander, Kasey, and other team members push through bullet wounds like they were nothing more than a stubbed toe. Why was he the exception? Why could others recover so easily? Even mentally, he was falling apart, while he'd watched Faith and others move on with their lives. Yeah, it was still early. He'd only been free a week, but still, he shouldn't be backtracking.
"Trenton?" Ben touched his arm. "Let's get your pants on so we can go. We'll grab food, then get you a pain pill once we're home."
"I'm okay," he lied.
"The sweat on your forehead and the wrinkle in your brow tells me different." Ben held up the pants. "Want help?"
"Just balance." Trenton reached for the pants while Ben gripped his arm to keep him steady as he slid them on. There was no point in arguing with Ben about the pain. Over the last few days, Ben had learned to read all of Trenton's moods. He couldn't lie to him. Still, he hated admitting weakness.
By the time they'd found a few more shirts and pants in the right sizes, paid, and made their way back to the car, Trenton was exhausted. He rested his head against the back of the car seat as Ben put the scooter in the backseat. He needed a nap. Pain pills and a nap.
"Want me to drop you off, then go get the food?" Ben offered as he got in.
Even though it meant being alone for a while, he wanted to go home. "Yeah, if it's not a problem."
"Not at all. I'll call in the order when we get back to your place and it should be ready by the time I get there to pick it up. You can take a pill and rest."
"Why are you doing this for me? Is it because you feel guilty?" Trenton asked. "I mean, I'm losing my mind, yet you stay around and help. You should be running away."
Ben turned in the car to face him. "It's not guilt. God knows I have plenty of that, but it's not why I stick around. The truth is, maybe I need someone around as well. Someone who knows what I did. Like you, I hate being alone when the memories and the voices get too much to deal with. Yes, you're losing it, and that's something we need to discuss and find a way to handle, but it doesn't scare me off. I don't know why we've become so close. Captive, captor, we should be enemies and hate the sight of each other, no matter the circumstances. Yet, I find myself wanting to be around you. You make it easier to deal with everything, and I think I do the same for you."
Trenton nodded. "I haven't been very supportive of you."
"You have, more than you know. Just not having to go home and spend the night in that quiet apartment helps. Knowing someone else is near in case I have a nightmare or wake up and just don't want to be alone."
"Have you had nightmares? Why haven't you woke me?"
"Because I don't want to talk about them. I have them almost nightly, but they aren't as bad as yours. I wake up overwhelmed with guilt, thinking of how badly I fucked things up by not speaking up sooner." Ben started the car. "Let's get home and we can talk more tonight. Just know, it's not guilt that keeps me around. If anything, the guilt makes me struggle to not run from you and risk fucking up your life even more with my history of bad decision making."
"You were doing your job."
"That excuse worked for the first few weeks, but when they kept extending the takedown date, I can't claim I was just doing my job. When I watched women and kids get raped and did nothing to stop it, it wasn't just doing my job. When I left you in Dr. Frank's office, that wasn't just doing my job. I knew there was a chance. I didn't think he would, but there was always a chance. I should have stopped it all then."
"How? Shoot the doctor, then have everyone there shoot you? It wasn't that black and white and you know it."
"No, it wasn't, but you asked me to contact your team the first few days you were there, yet I held off. If I had just listened to you…"
"You had no reason to trust me or my team. We don't really work within the laws. You're a cop, you had a lot to consider. Contacting my team could have had major issues for you. You thought your captain was on your side. Had I not seen the chief upstairs, you might have never known the truth." Trenton closed his eyes, not wanting to remember what the chief had done to him.
"We've talked about this repeatedly, but it doesn't change the fact that I should have questioned things sooner. But we're getting off-topic. You asked why I'm by your side for all this, and the truth is, I need to be. I need you as much as you seem to need me. I don't know what this is, Trenton. It scares me because I'm feeling things for you that I have no right to feel, especially after what you've been through the last few weeks. I'm ashamed I have feelings for you, but it doesn't change the fact they are there. Not only are you the only one who can understand what I've been through, but you're also the only one I want around." Ben slapped a hand down on the steering wheel. "And I just said way too much, didn't I?"
Trenton stared at him, unsure how to take what he'd just heard. It didn't freak him out that Ben was having feelings for him, but he wasn't sure he could ever be what anyone needed as far as romantic relationships went. Just the thought of sex had him nearly going into a full panic. "No, you didn't say too much. I guess if I think about us in a way I haven't allowed myself, we are kind of building a relationship minus the physical stuff, which is good because physical would freak me the fuck out right now. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with the physical stuff again. There are moments I think I will be, then others where I'm afraid if I try anything with anyone, I'll scream and fight to get away."
"It's way too soon for you to even be worrying about that," Ben told him.
"I know, but it kind of goes with what you were saying. If we are building something more than friendship here, you need to be aware, I don't know if I'll ever be okay again when it comes to sex. I don't know how much I can give a boyfriend. I'm glad you told me you're having feelings. I wish I could say I knew what I was feeling, but that's half the problem. One minute I want to hold on to you and never let go, and the next minute, I'm thinking I should push you far away so my issues don't fuck you up like they have me."
Ben rested his hand on Trenton's thigh. "I think it's time we call Katie. This is getting worse for you, and while I wish I could be the one to help you, other than being there for you, I don't know how."
It was the last thing he wanted to do, but Ben was right, he couldn't go on like this anymore. His insecurity and nervousness were getting worse, not better. "We'll call her tomorrow." Trenton sighed. "You'll stay with me when I talk to her?"
"As long as you do the talking and don't expect me to fill her in on things. You need to talk through this. I'm not saying I don't have my own issues to work out with her, but you have got to face this yourself. I can hold your hand, but I can't confront your demons. That's something we both have to find a way to do on our own."
Trenton nodded. "Okay." He stared out the window as Ben put the car and in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. He had a lot to think about. Talking to anyone about what had happened to him wouldn't be easy, especially someone he'd known for years and cared about. He knew his rape and torture would be hard for Katie to hear, but Ben was right, he needed to do something. As for Ben admitting he had growing feelings for him, that warmed him a bit, even if he wasn't ready for more than what they had. Maybe in time, but even if not, it was nice to know someone could still care about him.
Watching the world pass by outside the window, he wondered if things would ever be normal again. Could he be as strong as Faith and move on from this, or was he too beaten down, too tired to pick up the pieces and start all over again?