Holding Her Heart by Melissa Tereze

11

Eden clearedher throat as Blair welcomed her into her home. Four nights ago, she’d discovered that Aster was attracted to her, but Eden’s mind hadn’t quite taken control of the fact yet. She’d gotten her handbag and coat and left the club quickly after Blair’s little outburst on the street.

And until now, she’d laid low. It seemed easier. Nothing had to be done at the office, and after taking a few days on sick leave, Eden was finally prepared to sit down and talk to Blair. She knew it was too late, Aster was dating another woman, but discussing it could be good for Eden. A kind of closure she hadn’t expected she’d need. And if nothing else, Blair may be able to explain why Eden was feeling the way she was.

“Did you want a coffee or something stronger?”

Eden knew she would be wise to insist on something stronger, but she wasn’t sure what would come out of her mouth if she had liquid courage.

“Ede’s?”

“Coffee is fine, thanks.”

Blair popped her head around the wall separating the mostly open plan area. “You in your own head tonight?”

“A bit, yeah.” Eden smiled weakly, wringing her hands in her lap. “Nothing that won’t blow over, though.”

“I’ll be in now. Just waiting for the kettle to boil.”

“Okay. And, Blair?”

“Mm?” Blair stood in the space between the kitchen and the living room.

“I’m sorry about the other night.” Eden offered an apologetic smile.

Blair held up a hand. “I’m not fighting with you. We’ve been friends for too long. We’ll talk in a minute.”

Thankful when Blair disappeared back into the kitchen, she flopped back on the couch, sighing. Could she be honest with her best friend about the feelings she had? They’d been through so much together, but this? A possible change in Eden’s sexuality? No, this was new territory.

“Dom was gutted she couldn’t be here tonight. But with the cup game coming up, she couldn’t miss training.”

“Oh, it’s fine. I’m sure she’s sick of seeing my face.”

Blair lowered the cups to the table, taking Eden’s face in her hands. “It’s a very beautiful face. Don’t talk rubbish.”

“How are you both getting on? Still in the honeymoon stage, so to speak?” Eden needed a moment—normalcy—before she laid everything bare.

“I don’t know,” Blair said, relaxing beside Eden and curling her legs to the side. “I just know that all of this feels a million miles from what I ever knew. But I wouldn’t change it. It gets overwhelming at times, you know, realising that I’m going to marry a woman after being with…well, him.”

“But it’s what you want, right?” Eden knew it was pointless asking; Blair’s happiness was written all over her face. “I mean, I know it is, but Dom makes you happy, doesn’t she?”

“Incredibly.”

“When did you first know you were a lesbian?” Eden asked, shocked that she’d actually gone there with that question. Blair quirked an eyebrow, smirking. “Sorry, that was rude.”

“Not at all. I’ve always known I was into women. Since I was probably around fifteen…give or take a year either side.”

“That early on in life?” Eden suddenly felt deflated. If Blair had known since her teens, Eden was obviously not attracted to women. She was 42. She should have known long before now. “That’s…wow.”

“Everyone is different,” Blair said, reading Eden’s mind. “Some know early, some discover it later on in life, and some never come to terms with how they feel…”

“It’s fascinating, don’t you think?”

Blair shrugged, cradling her coffee in her lap. “It’s not something I think about. Now that I have Dom, I don’t need to think about what I’m missing anymore.”

“But you did? You thought about it while you were married to Barrett?” Eden could barely stomach his name. The way he’d treated Blair, how he’d abused her over the twenty years they were married, she could kill him with her bare hands.

“Almost daily,” Blair said quietly. “It was torture for the most part, but I had to keep it in my mind that one day my situation would change. I mean, Mum never really recovered from discovering I was gay before I married Barrett, so it didn’t matter when I called her to tell her I was with Dom. You know the reaction she had, but it’s her own issue to deal with. If she can’t be happy for her daughter, that’s her own tough shit.”

“Oh, could you imagine my mother? I’d never hear the end of it.”

“Is this a hypothetical, or?” Blair narrowed her eyes, watching Eden suspiciously.

“Oh, it wasn’t anything. I was speaking in terms of parental reactions to that kinda thing.”

“Eden, sweetie, I love you to death…”

“I know. You’re forever telling me this.”

Blair held up a hand. “But something is going on with you lately, and you’re asking me all these crazy questions and throwing ‘imagine ifs’ at me…so what’s going on? Is this about Aster?”

“What?” Eden snorted, pushing down the desperate need to yell YES! “Why would it have anything to do with Aster? I was simply asking a question.”

“Mm. But you never ask things like that, so forgive me for being suspicious. I know I blurted out how Aster felt, but you don’t have to feel the same way.”

This was a waste of time. Blair would never believe for one second that Eden could be attracted to women. Because she never had been…so why would that suddenly change now? It was way too far-fetched in Eden’s mind, so Blair would go into overdrive. “Never mind. Sorry. I was taking an interest. It won’t happen again.”

“Oh, love. I’m sorry. I wasn’t suggesting that it’s none of your business. But I know something is going on in that beautiful mind of yours, and I’m worried about you.”

“It’s okay.” Eden turned her watch towards her. She’d only been here for half an hour, but she was thinking of leaving. She couldn’t sit here and lie to her best friend, so leaving was the next best thing. “I should head home. Busy day tomorrow.”

“What? You haven’t touched your coffee.”

Eden lowered her eyes, sitting forward on the couch. “I’ll finish it and then get out of the way. Dom will be home soon.”

“Look at me right now.” Blair sat forward, placing a hand on Eden’s shoulder, but she couldn’t meet her eyes. “Eden?”

Tears welled, her bottom lip close to quivering. “I’m okay.” She shrugged Blair’s hand from her shoulder, clearing her throat. “I think I need some sleep.”

“No. I’m not doing this anymore. If you have something on your mind, come out and say it. Please, you know I support everything you do.”

The words were on the tip of her tongue, but Eden couldn’t bring herself to say it. She wasn’t ashamed of how she felt about Aster, not at all, but she didn’t know how to come to terms with it. It was…not what she expected. “I know you do.”

“And I’ll always support you. If you told me you wanted to throw yourself out of a plane tomorrow, I wouldn’t agree, but I’d support you.”

“This is more complicated than that.”

“So, talk to me. You helped me through so much when I decided to divorce Barrett. Let me be there for you this time.”

“Blair…” Eden’s voice trembled as she shook her head ever so slightly. She’d never felt so apprehensive about her life or what she wanted before. But it was fear of the unknown that had Eden unable to say the words out loud. And then she looked into Blair’s eyes. Eden was safe here. “I-I…I have these feelings for Aster. And I don’t know what any of it means. She’s so wonderful and genuine a-and…addictive.”

“Addictive?”

“God, I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s constantly on my mind. And I don’t know why.” Eden took a breath. “And this has nothing to do with how she feels. I’m actually relieved now that I know, but…”

Blair wrapped an arm around Eden, pulling her against her. “Eden, this isn’t the end of the world you know.”

“None of this makes sense. I’ve never looked at another woman in my entire life. I mean, I spent years knowing you were gay. You’re every woman’s dream, so why wasn’t I attracted to you?”

“Because that’s not how it works.”

Eden smiled, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I’m sorry I wasn’t into you. It’s not that you’re not gorgeous, you really are, but—”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. We’re best friends, sisters, whatever you want to call it. You have no reason to explain anything to me, but you do need to decide how you feel…and what you want.”

“Mum would have an aneurysm.”

“Your mum isn’t the one feeling like this. And I know you watched my mum hit the roof time and time again, but that doesn’t mean you’d receive the same treatment. Your parents are much more laid back than mine are.”

“But it also doesn’t mean they wouldn’t freak out, and I don’t want to risk that. I have a hard enough relationship with Mum as it is.”

Blair turned Eden to face her fully. “I’ve spent my life watching you grow up with me. You’ve never been content with who you were with. And maybe I should have questioned that, but it seems to me like this is the first time you’re feeling this way.”

“It is.”

“So do what you want to do. If Aster is who you’re attracted to, then so be it. You could certainly pick worse people.”

“She’s sweet.”

Blair grinned. “Yeah?”

“When she took a cab home with me from here last weekend, she handed me her jacket outside because she saw that I was cold. Nobody has ever done that for me before. And she told me I looked great.” Eden paused, aware that it all sounded a bit sad. “I’m not attracted to her because of those things, but it certainly makes it easier for me. She’s just…not like anyone else I’ve met before.”

“When did you know?”

Eden ran a hand through her hair. “The day she came to my office. The first time I met her.”

“Sometimes it just happens, love.”

“But does it? Really?” Eden wanted to believe that this thing happened all the time, but nothing made any sense.

Deep down, she knew it was the fear of rejection from Aster that had her questioning her feelings. Had it been anyone else, Eden would shrug it off and move forward, but Aster? No, she couldn’t stomach the idea of rejection.

Blair ran her thumbs beneath Eden’s eyes, focusing fully on her. “Answer me this. Have you ever felt that connection, that attraction, with anyone else? So intense to the point where you think about nothing else?”

“No. I haven’t.” Eden had never for one second considered that Aster could be the one for her; it didn’t seem feasible. But with each word Blair spoke, the support in her voice…perhaps it was possible.

“And what does that tell you?” Blair asked, taking her coffee from the table.

“That I need to get out more. That maybe I’m sexually frustrated.”

“No. It tells you that you may have found your person.”

Eden’s entire body thrummed. Was Blair right? She was gay…she must know. “I’m not sure I’d go that far yet. I barely know her; it could all fall apart.”

“It could, you’re right. But you won’t know that unless you try.”

“It’s too late.”

Blair shook her head and put a supportive hand on Eden’s forearm. “It’s never too late. You’ve had the realisation that you’re into Aster. She deserves to know.”

“Blair, she was on a date. I can’t just walk into her life, lacking in probably everything she wants, and expect her to take me in her arms.”

“Honey…”

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and when I saw her with her date, I didn’t know what to do.”

“I completely get that, but Fi?”

“You think I would have gone there with Fi? I was dancing, she got handsy, and before I knew it, you were dragging me away by my bra strap.”

“Sorry. I panicked.” Blair offered a lopsided grin. “Aster is trying so hard to not like you. When I saw her watching you with Fi, I had to step in. And you can tell me it’s not my business, but I couldn’t put Aster through it any longer.”

Eden exhaled a shaky breath. “You’re sure you’re right about this? She feels the same way?”

“She does. The poor girl doesn’t know what to do for the best.”

Eden wrung her hands. “I feel as though I’ve missed my chance.”

“Maybe give it some time. See how things are at work.” Blair rested her coffee cup against her chin.

“You’re right.” Blair always was. At times it was annoying, but today her best friend had been a godsend. “I need to be absolutely sure.”

“You do.”

Eden never wanted to hurt Aster. Not in a million years. “Do you think I can do this?”

Blair grinned. “I’ve never seen you like this. You’re terrified, but I can see the excitement in your eyes, too. And if Aster makes you feel that way, I’d say you can definitely do it.”

“This isn’t something meaningless for me. And I know you believe that, but do you think others will?”

“I think people will always have an opinion whatever you do.”

“True.” Eden relaxed against the couch, feeling entirely different knowing she had Blair’s support.

“Do you want me to speak to Aster?”

Eden had to find the courage to do this herself; Blair couldn’t hold her hand on this one. “No. I’ll do it in my own time.”

“Sure?”

“Yes. I’m not rushing this. When the time comes, I’ll know.”

Blair snuggled closer to Eden, sighing. “Yes, you will. Now…tell me all about how she makes you feel.”

Eden’s heart thundered. “God, I don’t even know where to begin.”

“It’s intense, isn’t it?”

“Very,” Eden said. “I, uh…I made the foolish decision to invite her to share my room with me at Pride.” Eden still couldn’t believe she’d done that. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, but she’s agreed, so what do I do about that?”

“Share the room with her. Couples are made or broken based on a first holiday together.”

“We’re not a couple,” Eden deadpanned.

“But you could be…in time.” Blair smiled, sighing. “God, I hope it does come to something and works out for you.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m tired of seeing you alone or unhappy in a relationship. You deserve so much more than that, Ede’s. I want you to be as happy as I am, and if Aster is the woman to do that for you, I’m thrilled.”

“I thought you were going to tell me I was being ridiculous.”

“I can’t believe you were worried about telling me. I’m the most open person you know.” Blair punched Eden in the arm, laughing. “Some best friend I am, huh?”

“It wasn’t about that. I’m just dealing with a lot of feelings, and I didn’t know how to even say the words. But I have to admit, I’m feeling better for it already.”

“I’m going to invite Aster over tomorrow night. Does that work for you?”

Eden sat confused.

“Obviously, I’m going to invite you over too. I’ll have Dom text Aster…”

“Oh, I don’t know. She probably isn’t interested anymore.”

“She is.” Blair held up her hands. “Don’t, for one second, think that she’s not.”

“Blair…”

“I’ll cook. Aster won’t know that the team isn’t invited. And then you will show up. Perfect.”

“You can’t lure her in like that. I’d kill you if you did that to me.”

“Would I ever lure someone in?” Blair feigned offence, splaying her hand across her chest. “I’m disappointed you think that of me.”

“I’ve known you since I was four. I think I know exactly what you’re capable of by now. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes.”

Blair got to her feet and motioned for Eden to join her in the kitchen, resting back against the counter after she’d disposed of her coffee cup. “If nothing else, it’ll give you a feel for what’s what. You two are only ever together when the team is around or at work. But this will be just the four of us. Some adult conversation and good food. Please say you’ll come?”

“Of course I will. I wouldn’t miss out on a home-cooked meal.”

“That’s the spirit.” Blair clapped, excitement overtaking her.

As much as Eden loved her reaction, it didn’t change anything for her. Aster may not have the slightest interest in her anymore, and then this worry and panic would all be for nothing. “God, I feel totally up the wall with all this. It’s really thrown me.”

“I’m not surprised. But you have me, your favourite lesbian, and I’ll be with you every step of the way.” Blair stepped forward, hugging Eden. And then she pulled back. “Well, except when you find yourself in bed with her. I’ll see myself out at that point.”

“Don’t put thoughts like that in my head.”

“Eden Kline, you minx!”

Eden blushed. She couldn’t believe she was discussing another woman with Blair. She certainly wouldn’t have said that was her plan recently. In fact, relationships were the last thing on her mind, as always. But now, with Aster in the picture, life felt entirely different. “Let me do this slowly. I don’t want to fuck it all up.”

“I want so much happiness for you. Give the rest of them the middle finger.”