Big Boy by Skyler Snow
Day: Thursday
Time: 10:00 pm
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Tried eggs after the interview. Didn’t keep them down.
Dinner: Nothing. Wasn’t hungry.
I satin the chair across from a woman with blonde curls and pink lips. She shuffled through some papers in front of her, but she didn't make much eye contact. My stomach churned. Was this going to be another failure?
"Okay, thank you so much for coming in." She beamed at me as she tapped a stack of papers on the table. "We'll be in touch."
We'll be in touch. It might as well be a big fuck you, get out. Those were the magic words of a company that was never going to call. I stood up and adjusted my tie, hating the way that it felt as if it was digging into my throat. I extended a hand and she took it before giving it a shake.
"Thank you for having me." I tried to put on my cheeriest smile, but I struggled to keep it in place. It was another blow to my ego. "I'll see myself out."
"Oh you're a dear," she purred.
I left her office and closed the door behind me. Digging into my pocket, I pulled out my phone to check it when I heard her voice. I turned slightly to see the door was still propped open a bit.
"Another dud," her voice sounded exasperated as she blew out a heavy breath. "No, nothing particularly wrong, but I don't have time for a future heart attack victim to occupy up my space. Seriously, nothing says I won't be successful like someone who can't even push the plate away."
I stared at the door, my hand trembling. Everything in me screamed to walk back in there and curse her the hell out, but every word was like a dagger that had been jammed into my heart. Push the plate away. It wasn't as if I hadn't heard that expression a thousand times before, but it hit me square in the chest and tore me apart.
As she chuckled with whoever she was on the phone with, I turned on my heels and fled like the coward that I was.
I was exhausted by the time I stopped jogging a few streets away from the office building. There was another job I wouldn't be getting and I was running out of options. Atlanta was huge, but I couldn't keep going through the pain of applying, interviewing for and then not getting jobs. Things went well when they couldn't see me. But now I felt as if they were all thinking the same thing when I showed up. How fat and lazy and completely unsuccessful that I would be. Or how I would have a heart attack and be a waste of time because they had to hire someone again.
Fuck. Everything sucks.
I pushed my fingers through my hair and sucked in a deep breath. Feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to fix anything, but I was in the mood to wallow. To fall into a puddle on the ground and sob until my throat was raw. But I couldn't do that.
I need to find a job. It doesn't matter if it's office work anymore. I need to find something before I run out of money and lose my place.
The thought of going home made my heart almost stop. My mother would welcome me with open arms and so would my father. Of course, my brother would give me shit for it, but even he would be fine. But underneath it all would run this undercurrent of control and humiliation. They couldn't help it. All of the little jokes and jabs would spill over until I couldn't stand it anymore and I would be right back to where I was when I was younger, hurt and wondering if they even fucking loved me.
Stop being dramatic.
I found a table outside of a shop and sat down. When the waiter popped out, I ordered a bottle of water. I still wasn't over my relapse and the thought of food made my stomach turn and my heart drop. I couldn't screw up again. How many times could I possibly fail without giving up altogether?
My phone rang as I drank my water and I fished it out of my pocket, my heart in my throat. Could it be a job? I held my breath the entire time praying that it would be an offer. However, when I finally glanced at the screen I sighed.
Mom.
She had been calling me non-stop for the past few days and I wasn't ready to talk to her right now. As much as I loved her, the constant questions and criticisms were not something I wanted to deal with right now. She could wait for a little while longer.
Besides, I couldn't face her. What was I supposed to say? 'Hey Mom, I don't have a job and it looks like I won't be getting one anytime soon?' Yeah, that would go over like a lead balloon. It was better to silence the call and talk to her later.
I sat my phone down on the table and stared at nothing. There had to be another job that I could get. Working in an office was familiar, but I could get another job. Or at least I could try. Anything was better than nothing.
Once the phone stopped ringing I picked it up and unlocked it. A voicemail popped up but I left it. Instead, I scrolled through my phone and opened up the job search app. I extended the perimeters and the types of jobs that I wanted to see until I was flooded with newly posted opportunities.
There has to be something. Come on, I can't get turned down forever.
I wanted to laugh at myself. It was entirely possible for me to keep getting turned down.
"Samuel, grab me a napkin!"
My head shot up when I heard that name. As I looked around, I stared into the shop and saw Samuel walking up to the counter. He plucked a few napkins out of the dispenser before he walked back over to a man sitting at the table, waiting for him. Samuel bent over and dabbed at his shirt as the man chuckled and looked up at him with the biggest doe eyes.
As I watched, my heart stopped. The guy with him was so thin, all tanned and gorgeous and light. As they chatted, the guy threw his head back and laughed. I wanted to know what they were talking about, but that was insane. I didn't know either of them all that well. And it was none of my business what they were.
And yet I couldn't tear my eyes away. They were so close, so intimate. It was like they had known each other for a long time and I wondered if they had. Were they friends? Or were they more? Maybe they were dating or even married. I hadn't seen a ring on Samuel's finger, but that didn’t mean anything.
"No, no it's fine!" the man proclaimed as Samuel tried to help him with the stain on his shirt. "You're such a worrier."
"Yeah well, it's hard not to be. Hold still. I already messed you up, the least I can do is fix it."
"Such a gentleman," the man purred. "That's what I love about you, Sam."
My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. They were close. And I was on the outside, staring at the man that had once been my personal trainer and, from what I could tell, his lover.
Samuel was joking and having a good time until he glanced my way. When he trained his eyes on me, they widened to the size of saucers. His mouth fell open and I quickly decided that it was time to go. Shit, I wasn't supposed to see Samuel. I had been avoiding him like the plague but one glimpse and I was enamored again.
So, why did I stand up suddenly and decide to flee? I turned on my heels and sped away from the shop as if my heels were on fire. I hadn't done anything wrong and yet I couldn't shake the guilty feeling that tried to swallow me whole. I patted my pockets to make sure I hadn't left anything behind as I hightailed it out of there.
"Carter? Carter! Hey, wait up."
I heard him, but it didn't stop me from trying to get away. No doubt Samuel could catch me in five seconds flat if he wanted, but I prayed he would leave me alone. I had spent the past two weeks trying to get him out of my mind. I didn't need to be up close and personal with him right now.
"Yo, Carter! Come on, slow down already." Samuel stepped in front of me and frowned. "There you are. I was wondering what happened to you. Are you okay? Were you sick? I kept thinking you might have been in some kind of accident and were stuck in the hospital."
I frowned. "No, it's nothing like that."
The truth was that I realized I was a weird, obsessive bastard and I had jerked off thinking about him touching and fucking me. As if he would ever want me.
"What's wrong?" Samuel frowned and there was concern clouding his eyes. "Seriously, if something's going on you know you can tell me, right?"
I nodded at him, but I couldn't bring myself to feel that comfort. Eventually, Sam would move on and I would be on my own again. There was no reason for me to cling to him. Besides, it would be weird if I did.
"Look, I'm sorry I haven't been to the gym lately but I've been busy. I have a lot on my plate and the gym went on the back burner.”
Samuel nodded slowly. "Well, I'm sorry you're so busy." His dark eyes searched my face. "This might be dumb, but what happened the night that we were supposed to game together? I sent you some messages, but you never responded."
Right. Sam had sent me messages that night and the morning after. I'd opened and read each one contemplating what I could say to him. In the end, I didn't say anything. I was too worried that I would say the wrong thing.
"Yeah, I uh didn't feel well that night. I tried to log on and reply, but I felt so sick all I could do was climb into bed and go to sleep."
Samuel tilted his head. "Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you better now?"
No, I wasn't. And I couldn't even tell him why. I had given in to my worst addiction. Eat, purge, eat, purge, eat, purge. That was all I did these days. Even when I tried not to, the sensation crept in and I found myself in front of the fridge once more, stuffing my face with crap before I felt the crushing weight of humiliation on my shoulders. How could I put on a happy face and go work out when I felt like complete and total shit?
"Are you sure you're okay?" Samuel asked, making me face him once more.
I hadn't even realized that I was staring off into the distance. But I couldn't bring myself to look at him either.
"Yeah." I cleared my throat and nodded, trying to make myself feel more comfortable than I was. "I'm fine. Really."
Samuel nodded. "Will you be on tonight?"
I shrugged. "I'm not sure. Won’t you be busy with your boyfriend?” Had I really just let that slip out? I looked up at him finally. "Hey, um, look I need to get out of here. Like I said, I have errands to run."
"Right." Samuel looked me up and down. “No plans and no boyfriend in case you were wondering. Actually, I hope I see you tonight. If not, maybe the gym tomorrow?"
"Yeah," I said with a timid smile. "Maybe. I better go."
I turned on my heels quickly and walked away from Samuel despite how much I wanted to stay. Had I really missed him that much? I tried to rationalize it away, but the truth was that life without Sam was pretty fucking boring. He was special and apparently, single. That guy wasn’t his boyfriend. That lifted some of the weight from my chest and I could breathe again.
As I walked away I could feel his eyes on my back. Every inch of my skin burned in nervous embarrassment. What was he thinking as I walked away? I would pay a million dollars to know. I probably could have asked him, but I had to get away. I needed to run.
No matter how badly I wanted to stay.