Until Love by May Gordon

Robert

Itrek through the desert, my vest, equipment, and gun, making it more difficult than it already is, but it’s a struggle i’m use to. The wind is kicking the sand up, making it impossible to see more than two feet in front of me. My men are following me, so I look behind me to check on them, but suddenly they are gone, like the dust in the wind.

"Where’d they go?" Intent on locating them, I turn but trip, only to find bodies at my feet when I look down. A pile of the members from every squad I’ve had, covered in blood and dirt. I instantly know it’s my fault, they’re all dead because of me. Needing to escape, I ready myself to flee, stopping short when I see Rose suddenly standing in front of me. "What are you doing here?" I ask in a panic. Why would I dream of her being here? Rose doesn’t respond, just smiles as she gently cups my face and brings me down for a kiss. I instantly wrap my arms around her and pull her closer, accepting the brief reprieve from my past only she can provide. I tighten my hold, realizing where we are. I need to protect her, get her somewhere safe. When we break apart, I step back, a clicking noise under my foot. I barely have time to process what it means before it explodes, and Rose is caught up with it also.

The horrifying noice of hearing her scream startles me awake, I shoot up with a gasp, sweat covering my body as I try to catch my breath. Princess whining beside the bed catches my attention, his expression somehow conveying worry. Thankful for the comfort his presence gives me, I pet his head, reassuring him that I’m okay.

The nightmares come almost every night, so I should be used to them by now, but I’m not because my mind cooks up a new horrifying experience each time. Rose. The beautiful woman I’m obsessed with, Posies’ mother. Just when I thought I couldn’t dream of anything worse… Imagining her dead breaks my heart, no. It fucking shatters it. Princess jumps up next to me as I lay down once more, hoping I can get some sleep. When I close my eyes, Rose's face greets me. The woman has haunted me since the moment I first saw her, bringing with her emotions I’m unfamiliar with. All I do is think of her, wondering when I will see her again, wanting to hold and kiss her. It’s an obsession, one almost bordering on unhealthy.

I don’t know what to do about her. In my opinion, her being Posie's mom is a bonus. Meeting the two of them is like a reward, one I don’t deserve. I can’t drag them into my mess, saddle them with my baggage, make them fight my demons.

Giving up on sleep I rise and throw on some clothes. A walk around the lake is my usual way of coping when this happens, and by the wagging of his tail, Princess is ready to go. Based upon how Posie found him, he was more than likely chained inside that fence his whole life, so he loves the freedom I can give him.

The second the fresh air hits me, I feel better. My thoughts clear from the turmoil, replaced by Rose. I’ve only known her a short time, yet I’m addicted to her, to Posie. I love being with them. I’m so focused on them and how they make me feel. I don’t realize at first but I some how ended up at Sage’s, I see a light on in his house. One of them must be up with their son. Heading to his back porch, I catch him walking around with Nash. Sage spots me through the sliding glass door and jumps before opening it.

"What the hell, man? You scared the shit out of me." I apologize, he says, "He’s out. Give me a minute to put him in bed." While he’s gone I sit down on the back porch, Princess plops down at my feet. He looks a lot better since I took him to the groomer July recommended. “Another sleepless night?” Sage wants to know when he returns with the baby monitor.

"I could ask you the same. Nash keeping you up?"

He rubs his hand over his face as he takes a seat. "Yeah, Kim took last night’s shift. Poor guy is teething.” He looks at the dog and says, "I heard through the family grapevine that you got a dog." Checking the tag, he chuckles. "Princess?" I don’t bother trying to hide my smile as I admit that a friend named him. “Does their name happen to be Posie?” I have an undeniable urge to ask him all the questions I can about my mystery girls.

"So, you know Rose?"

"I do. Why?" He grins, enjoying this.

"Don't make me beg," I growl. Just knowing he has information and is keeping it from me makes me itchy with anxiety.

"Strong reaction for a woman you just met, Kent." Then he pauses and leans forward, suddenly far more interested. "Wait. Did it happen?"

“Did what happen?”

He makes the motion of an explosion with his hands. “The boom.” It takes a moment for me to figure out what he’s talking about it.

"Your family's stupid curse." I shake my head. It’s utterly ridiculous, and I’m not going to admit that’s probably exactly what happened. Fuck. The damn thing is real. She’s my boom.

"We were non-believers, too, until our respective one arrived. It's real, Robert. We’re all proof of that.”

I roll my eyes and declare, "It's bullshit." I lie out of my teeth. He doesn't acknowledge that, causing me to prompt him to respond with a, "Well?" He hasn’t given me any damn info on Rose.

"Well, what?" He hedges.

"Fucking tell me about Rose," I snap, but he just laughs at my frustration. The bastard is bating me.

"She's new here, teaches at the school with December. No husband or boyfriend." I knew that much from July. What I don’t know is the situation with Posie’s father. When I ask, he shrugs, admitting, “No idea. She’s close with a lot of the Mayson women. Maybe they’ll know.” Now it’s my turn to fall silent. "You love her." Sage doesn’t phrase it as a question.

"I don't even know her," I attempt to reason with him and myself, but deep down I know that’s exactly what it is. Love. I shake my head trying to reason it all. I do have strong feelings for her and it scares the shit out of me, how can I be this far gone by only a few chance encounters. "Can we change the topic?" I plead, not that the next one is any easier to discuss.

"Talon mentioned you've been struggling," he states in a low voice.

I growl in annoyance. "He has a big mouth," I inform him. "It's not a big deal." Again with the lying.

"You’ve been home a month and you haven't reached out despite the fact you haven't gotten any better." I hate that nothing he says is inaccurate. I do need help, I’m just to ready to share the horror that’s inside my heart.

"It's not something that just goes away," I explain, my sharp tone causes Princess to look at me.

Sage is quiet, probably deciding his next move. "I know, man. I just want to make sure you're getting the help you need."

"I don't need anything except to live a normal life."

"Maybe Rose and Posie can give that to you," he observes.

Hope soars through me at the possibility, but it comes crashing down just as fast. "They don't deserve a broken man like me."

"Or they could be exactly what you need to become whole again," he argues.

"And we’ve circled back to this.” I snap. I’m glad my sour tone doesn’t affect Sage.

"Sorry," he says with a smile, though he doesn’t sound it. "If your mother was alive, do you think you'd forgive her?" The unexpected question makes me jerk. Well that is one hell of a change in topic. He’s not referring to Molly. I know he struggles with the same thing regarding his own birth mom.

Like always, I'm honest with him. "I don't care enough about her to grant it."

"So, if she wanted to be in your life again, you wouldn’t allow it?"

"No," I immediately answer. "She gave up that right a long time ago."

"You wouldn’t give her a second chance?"

"Considering how she was, it would be her millionth." He nods, understanding what I mean from his own personal experience.

After that, neither of us speak, we just sit and enjoy the silence and the peace that comes with it. When I glance at him later, I notice he's passed out. Quietly getting up, Princess and I leave, knowing he needs the rest, and head home.

That’s such a foreign word to me. This town, my place, just doesn't feel like one, hasn’t for years.

And I don’t know if it ever will.