Until Love by May Gordon

Rose

Iadd a pinch of salt to the boiling water and give stir it, then glance at the table where Robert and Posie are talking while handling their tasks for dinner. They’ve been at it the past hour, and he’s not only understanding her crazy logic and actually listening to her, he also has his own funny words to add to it. They get along as if they’ve known each other for years, or how I would hope a father and daughter would interact. The thought makes my heart ache, I wish Posie could have had a father in her life, but that just wasn’t possible.

Robert mentioned that he’s still fixing up his place, but I honestly don’t know what could be left to do. It looks great, though I’m saddened by the fact there aren’t any pictures, art, or knickknacks decorating his home. Not that ours is much better. As I cook the meat, I feel his large body at my back and he leans down to whisper, "That smells amazing." I shiver as his breath skirts over my skin, and though I don’t intend it to, my response sounds dirty.

"Wait until dessert."

"I can guarantee it won't be as delicious as you." He nibbles on my ear.

"You’re very charming," I say as I shift to face him. I want his lips on mine and I lean up to do just that, but Posie’s voice stops me.

“Are you going to kiss again?” She sounds hopeful.

"Not now," Robert responds with a playful bite. "She always a cockblocker?"

"What's a cockblocker?" Posie wants to know, causing me to burst out laughing.

"It’s new to me," I explain as I finish preparing our meal. It isn’t long before we’re sitting at the table, Posie had to put food in Princess’ pink bowl first. “Went all out, huh?” I inquire when she joins us. Everything Princess has is pink, even his fluffy dog bed.

"God knows what he’s been through in that junk yard. He deserves the good life." While his words are regarding Princess, it almost seems as if he’s referring to himself, too. I want to say something like you deserve a good live too, but I would hate to bring up a sensitive topic during our nice dinner.

"Robbie, when can we take Princess to the lake?"

He checks with me before replying, and once he’s received my nod, tells hers, “Whenever you and your mom are free to go."

Satisfied with that, she moves on. "What about the fair next month? Do you like heights?" This goes on for a while and I worry that I’ll need to stop her lest she overwhelm him with all her questions, but it doesn’t faze him at all. It all rolls off like water on a duck’s back. Posie is a social butterfly most of the tim, yet she’s never connected with anyone as she has Robert. Her guard has always been up, thanks to her father. Not wanting to think about that nightmare right now, I push it from my mind and concentrate on our time here. Almost like a real family, and it’s a perfect evening.

Later, when we’re cleaning up, Posie accidentally drops a plate, and it shatters on the floor behind Robert. In one swift move, Robert grabs a knife from the counter and holds it as if warding off an attacker, his eyes wide with fear and focus. Startled, Posie screams and drops to her knees. Princess let’s out a concerned bark. That breaks through to Robert, his eyes take one look at Posie and he returns the weapon to the counter and shouts, “Fuck!”

Posie is shaking on the floor, he suddenly looks horrified. “I’m so sorry, kid.” His voice is pure agony. Posie quickly tries to comfort him, her voice shaky too.

“I-It’s o-ok Robbie.”

Even using his nickname and managing to smile, but he bolts from the room, muttering an apology over and over.

"Mommy, did I do something wrong?" She seems less scared now and more worries about Robert.

"No, honey,” I let her know as I hug her. “Remember when I told you Robert fought in a war?” She nods, so I continue, trying to explain PTSD as much as I can, “He has nightmares because of it and sometimes reacts without thinking. He didn't mean to scare you." I rubs her shoulders as she listens, but I’m not sure she fully grasps what I’m saying nor if she can. "Why don't you and Princess sit on the couch and read the book you brought?" She likes that suggestion, which means I can go comfort Robert next. Making sure the two of them are comfy on the couch I then Walk to the only room with the door shut, I take a guess that it’s his and knock prior to opening it. He’s lying on the bed, one arm covering his face until I move to him and gently remove them.

His eyes are full of defeat and tears as he tells me, "I didn't mean to. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry.” he repeats over and over.

“I know.” I say calmly. “She forgives you, so do I.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t deserve that.”

“Have you ever tried talking to someone?” I broch the topic gently.

“No.” he says quickly. “Talking to a stranger would be too difficult.” He explains.

I lay on the bed next the him, and reach down to grasp his hand in mine. “You can tell me. Some of it, all of it. Whatever you want Robert.”

There is a long pause before he asks. “Can I?”

The vulnerability in his question breaks my heart, I don’t show it as I answer, "Always."

I keep my eyes on the ceiling like his, and quietly listen. I know he’s giving me the short and sweet version of all he endured starting with his childhood and concluding with the horror he experienced while deployed. There were some sweet and happy moments in his life. The time he spent here in town, with his new mother and friends. Even so, it’s no less devastating or tragic. Robert has suffered so much death and trauma that I can’t believe he can still function. Unable to contain it any longer, I weep for his suffering as his own tears coat his cheeks. I turn into him and we hold each other, warmth and security healing our fresh wounds. I pull my head back to look at him, and he wipes away a few of my leftover tears.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve never seen you more beautiful.”

I let out a huff of laughter. “Me crying makes me more beautiful?”

“No, you crying for my pain. For me.” he explains.

“You obviously had one to many concussions. I’m an ugly cryer.”

“No, you’re not.” he leans in and kisses the top of my head.

After we collect ourselves we return to the kitchen and finish cleaning up. Knowing we need to get going, I make a quick trip to the bathroom. In the hallway on the way back, I peer around the corner into the living room and see Robert and Posie on the sofa with Princess’ head on her lap. Not wanting to interrupt them, I stay where I am and eavesdrop. Posie acted like nothing happened when we returned earlier, which I think we were both thankful for.

"So, these are your dog tags?" Posie asks. "Why do they call them that?"

"There are many theories why, but the most used is because the men and women were afraid no one would knew who they were if something happened to them. Dog tags are a soldiers most sacred item.”

"And you're giving them to me?" The pure joy in her question warms my heart.

"Only fair,” he tells her, adding, “since you gave me something special of yours." He lifts his wrist showing off the bracelet she gave him.

"Time to go, Posie," I inform her, hating to break up their talk, but we do need to leave, it’s a school night.

She gives him a hug like it’s the last one she’ll give him. Gone is her worry, and fright. She then pleads with him to put them on her. Of course, all this means is he just needs to slip them over her head, but he makes a big production of it as she lifts her hair and he places them around her neck.

"Thank you, Robbie." It may not be a crown, but they’re just as valuable to her. I remind her to get her coat, then help her in to it before she grabs the stuffed animal Robert was so thoughtful to get her. As well as the lovely scented soap he purchased for me, my favorite part of them is that he hand carved the bars into roses himself. I don’t want to walk out the door without knowing when I’ll get to see him next, but I force myself not to ask. Aside from what happened in the kitchen, this evening has been fun and damn near perfect. I don’t want to risk ruining that.

"Thanks for dinner,” he says as he leans against the door with his arms crossed. "And for everything else," he tacks on with the utmost sincerity. I don’t want him to feel awkward, or embarrassed.

"Posie, why don't you go wait in the car?" I urge her as she watches us. When she does, I step closer to him as he does the same to me.

I cup his face gently and lean up to kiss him lightly on the lips. Anything more and I would for sure take advantage of the moment. "I want to see you again." I whisper against his lips.

“You will,” He smiles, “Monday at school.”

“Monday. Sounds good.” I don’t know why I said that because I don’t want to wait that long, it’s only Thursday.

"That's too far away," he says, echoing my own thought. I’m giddy at his disappointment as places a kiss on my cheek. "Goodnight, Rose."

"Goodnight, Robert." It takes every ounce of control I have not to look back as I head toward my vehicle. Posie is pouting, probably a match to the one I have, when I open my door. She’s just as enchanted with him as I am, which means seeing where it takes us is an even greater risk.

At least he’s already proving to be worth it.