Deadly Nightshade by Sem Thornwood
Chapter 8
Isabella
When Mom got sick, Salvatore promised to stay at home. He broke his promise. He only stayed for eight months. He left me alone.
I was actually not alone, but I needed my big brother, and he abandoned me. I tried not to hold a grudge against him or held him accountable for my hurt, but still, I couldn’t shake the feeling. Salvatore was meant to be at my side. He was meant to be at Mother’s side.
He did visit more often, but it always ended. The job was more important. I knew he could also do business here in Chicago. He was working those eight months when he was here. I guessed he just got fed up with Dad.
It was not a good enough reason to left. I was fed up with Dad, and I didn’t leave. I knew I can’t leave, but even if I could, I wouldn’t. Mom was too important.
After Sal left, Antonio and Alessio started coming less and less. I couldn’t blame them, though. I knew Alessio would come every day, or at least I hope he would if he could. Without Salvatore here, they didn’t have much reason to visit Capo’s house. Even though Mom was their aunt (not really, but she practically raised them), it was not acceptable for them to visit her so frequently.
My only luck was Mia and Aunt Pippa. They came so much. Mia spent many nights with us, especially after Sal left. I was excepting her to be as mad as me for abandoning Mom, but she was not. Mia was not mad at Sal, and she was not mad at me for being mad. She was the best kind of person to have at this time. She was nothing but helpful and understanding. Sometimes she tried to cheer me up, just a little. Sometimes she held me while I cry, and sometimes she let me stay alone by taking care of my twin siblings Valerio and Verona.
They spent many nights at the Mazzoni mansion as well. Father didn’t care. To be exact, he never cared for us much. He only cared about Mom and Mom only, and even though his love, he got used to it too. He got her the best treatment and spent time with her more, but he accepted her death. He accepted and tried to spend her last days in the best way.
I, on the other hand, couldn’t accept it. I wanted to be like Dad. I wanted to spend happy moments with Mom, but I got so sad every time I saw her. I tried to hide it from her. I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t do anything that can make her sad. I studied for my classes. I didn’t wear the ripped jeans she hated, and I tried to spend as little time as possible with Alessio. I know there was no way she could find out, but I didn’t want to risk it. Even when I had the opportunity, I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t get close to him. I tried to forget him and accept the future my mom wanted for me. I wanted to become her Belladonna because deep down, I thought even her sickness was not my fault; maybe I could be responsible for her treatment. Perhaps if I can make her happy, she could be better. She was my salvation. Against all odds, she saved me. She sacrificed her happiness for my life, and I thought maybe I could do the same. Perhaps I could finally forget about Alessio even though he was the thing I wanted most in this world.
Father was still looking for suitors. After the New York negotiations stopped, Alessio asked twice. The first one was very traditional. His father came and asked my father, but after a few days, my father refused. He even had the audacity to said he would accept the union of our families if I marry Antonio. That resulted in Alessio coming into our house and talking to my father. Probably Sal was the reason he didn’t kill him. I tried to warn him and tell him to let go. He didn’t listen to me.
Father kept Alessio in Chicago. I thought he might send him away, but according to Sal, he was needed in here. He was the Cruel, after all. He was the man they call when they need the ugliest kind of torture.
I really couldn’t see that side of Alessio. He might be the Cruel, but he was good at hiding it.
After the incident with Alessio, almost no one asked for my hand. It was strange, considering I was the daughter of the Capo. According to Mia, all the high-ranking men were married, and all the others were threatened by Alessio. I didn’t want him to go eliminate my possible candidates. I didn’t even want him to fight for me anymore. It was making my decision to let go so much harder. Still, it was nice to know I could be close to Mom for a while longer. After all, there was no way for him to hold my suitors back forever.
The night before my eighteenth birthday house was too silent. Valerio and Verona were at the Mazzoni mansion. Dad was out doing business. I never knew what he was doing, but thanks to Sal, I knew he was not doing anything dangerous. Because of his age, he was the type of Capo to sit in the back and let his men handle everything. I knew not many people were happy about that. Yet, he was too powerful, especially with Brando Panaro at his side.
I was not complaining about the silence, though. I wanted to spend some time with my mom before she slept anyways. She usually went to sleep early these days. She was always tired.
When I slide into her room, she was reading a book. That was all she did other than eating and talking with us. She was staying in her separate room so that she could be more comfortable, but my father was sleeping at her side most nights. Probably not tonight, though.
“Mom,” I announced, my presence walking to her bed with cat steps.
Mom closed to the book she was reading. She was not reading while sitting up. She was lying down. Her pale face glowed with a smile when she saw me, but it turned into a frown after taking my white pajamas. “Why are you not dressed?”
I got into bed, under the covers with her. “Dressed for what, Mom?”
“Aren’t you guys going to the lake house? Tomorrow is your eighteenth birthday Belladonna.”
If Mom was not sick, I would definitely want that. Sal actually called and asked if I want to do something for my birthday, but I said no. Mia, on the other hand, knew me well enough to gather that without asking.
I smiled sweetly and shook my head. “I rather spend time with you.”
Her frown deepened. She brushed a strand of hair off of my forehead. “Belladonna, it’s your birthday. You should spend it with your friends. You guys cannot see each other like before. It would be a nice trip.”
I wrapped my arms around my mother’s waist and put little kisses on her cheeks. That made her smile, but there was still a question in her eyes. I sighed at her. “Mia is coming here almost every day.”
“And the others?”
“Sal is visiting more frequently too.”
She arched an eyebrow like, don’t bullshit me, but I couldn’t stop. “I don’t think Antonio misses me much. You know he was never the one for the emotions.”
“And what about Alessio?”
So, we were doing this. Honestly, I was hoping she would give up. “Maybe I should not see him anymore.”
“Why?” She asked immediately.
I couldn’t look at her. I knew the reason, but it was hard to vocalize it. “Because he is not right for me. He is not what you wanted for me. I cannot be your Belladonna with Alessio. Sweet, but poisonous. I cannot be poisonous to Alessio.”
She caressed my cheek oh so gently. I wanted her to answer, but she was silent until I finally looked at her. Even though her pale skin and the bags under her eyes, the sparkle of love in her eyes made her so beautiful. “You love him,” she whispered, and when I didn’t answer, she added. “And he loves you.”
“I don’t know that. I know he wants me, but I don’t know if he loves me, and even if he does, I love him too much to have power over him.” Because that was what Mom wished for me. To have power over my husband. That was the only way a woman in our circle can be happy.
Weirdly my mother looked at me like I was talking nonsense. “I was wrong about you, Belladonna. You were never meant to be toxic or manipulative. That was just me and my way. You are different. I was wrong about you, and I was wrong about love.”
I hugged her closer to me. “No, you had your reasons.”
She pulled back a little and cupped my face. There was a little sarcastic smile on her face. “Just because I am sick doesn’t mean I have to be right about everything, Belladonna. I need you to know I was wrong before…”
“No, don’t say it,” I plead. I hated being weak. I was supposed to be strong for her, and now I was almost close to tears.
Luckily, I had her warm smile to calm me. She was the strong one. She always was. “Love hurt me, Belladonna. I thought that was how it was meant to be. It thought love could only bring pain. When I married your father, I considered myself one of the lucky ones. I didn’t love him, and I am still unsure what he feels for me is love, but he completely adored me. He did everything to make me happy. I felt like that was the best that anyone could have.” Her eyes were unfocused with a distant memory. “You know, I didn’t even believe when Pippa told me she was in love with her husband. I thought that she was a stupid girl. She was bound to that man no matter what. She was only lying to herself. I didn’t believe love could make someone happy, but then I saw you guys.”
I swallowed thickly. She was never this open to me. The only thing I heard from her was how awful love is. Chasing love was for losers. Love was always meant to hurt. Now she was saying something different.
When I couldn’t talk, she simply continued. “You were just little children, but you two were like magnets. You pulled each other. I could see something was forming between you two, but I wanted to ignore it. You were supposed to find a nice man and control him just like I did to your father. I was wrong, though. The flame between you only grew over time. I saw how you looked at each other. I saw there was not enough power in the world to keep you two apart. I don’t know how, but I also felt that it was not going to be like my love story. Your love is not destruction. You are going to be each other’s safe havens.”
I couldn’t hold it in. Tears ran free from my eyes. Thank god my mom brushed all the drops from my cheeks patiently. I wasn’t aware how much it hurt to try giving up on Alessio. I could never do that. He was always going to be the master of my heart. Even if what he felt was not love, even if I was only a challenge to him, and even if one day he got bored chasing me, I would always love him. I didn’t know if I can ever be with him, but being able to carry that hope within me gave me a great sense of relief.
“I am not leaving you a piece of great advice. I am not telling you to chase him or be with him against all odds, just like I am not telling you to give up. I don’t want you to live your life in a certain way just because of some words I spoke on my death bed. I didn’t tell these to draw your way in life. I told you this because I wanted to set you free. Be happy, Belladonna. Just be happy.”
I shook my head. I was smiling, but I knew her words were half bullshit. “I am not in a position to make my own choices.”
“Then make the best out of what life gives you. Live how you want to live. You are your own master. Don’t forget that even when people act like you are not.”
I didn’t answer that. I couldn’t. I was not the master of my life, not even close. I was a pawn in the life of men surrounding me. All of them wanted to own me for different reasons. Even Alessio wanted that. It disturbed me, so I stayed silent. I put my head to my mother’s chest and murmured, “You must be tired. Let's sleep a little.”
She didn’t answer as well. She only brushed my hair gently until her breath got steady. She slept holding me, and I tried to push away all of my demons in her arms. I was not sure how many times more I could have this privilege.
