Raging Fires by Candace Camp
Chapter Thirty-Seven
For probably the first time in his life, Jake was giving up.
His agent had been right. He, as usual, had been wrong. Why had he been so stupid? Why had he let himself believe things would be better this time? It was just like before. Okay, so he’d been the one to end it this time, but it turned out it didn’t feel any better to be the one who was ripping his heart out.
He wasn’t filled with the rage he’d felt when she’d divorced him. But this hollowness inside him was just as bad. He was numb and despairing and filled with regret. He’d been an idiot to think the two of them could get along. He should have known he wouldn’t be able to stick to his sex only rule with Kelli. She’d had her hooks in him from the day he met her. Of course he was going to tumble back into love with her.
Kelli was so damn rigid and stubborn, so unwilling to listen to anything he said. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, he would never be perfect enough for her. Effort didn’t count with her, and she was always on the lookout for him to take a misstep. Obviously she’d never take his word for anything. He should just walk away, let her deal with this whole legal mess with the Blue. Let her be the one who took the hit this time.
Okay, so maybe he was a little angry. But anger was something he knew, something he could deal with. He didn’t know what to do with the feelings that swelled inside him now. She didn’t trust him. After all these years, everything that they had been to each other, she didn’t believe him. Jake could have taken an argument; hell, he was pretty good at that. But this… this was like the ground shifting beneath him. This was final.
For the past nine years he had thought that he and Kelli would always be together. Even after the divorce, despite all his anger, there had been this little indestructible feeling deep within him that they were still connected, would always be connected. That somehow, someday, they would be together again and life would return to its proper order.
It was pretty clear Kelli didn’t feel the same about him. She loved him only when he was doing everything right. If he slipped up, if he wasn’t exactly what she wanted, she cut him off. She could just switch her love on and off. But Jake couldn’t. Maybe he would always be connected to her, maybe Kelli would always be the love of his life. But they wouldn’t be together.
The problem right now was that they in fact had to be together. Kelli would lose the bar if he didn’t continue to live in this house, and, however mad or hurt he was with her, Jake could never take the Blue from her.
The best way—the only way that he could see—was that he had to stay away from her as much as possible. He had to sleep here. He wouldn’t feel right if he didn’t walk her home from the bar every night. But for once he made up some rules for himself:
Don’t be close physically—stay at least five feet away, if at all possible.
Spend as little time around her as he could.
And when you have to be with her, don’t stand there looking at her the whole time.
Don’t think or talk about the old days.
In fact, avoid talking to her at all unless absolutely necessary. If she took a verbal jab at him, he would not respond in kind. The same with teasing her. Both of those were all too likely to move into banter and even laughter. And Kelli smiling or laughing was something that cut a new hole in him.
Avoid Gran, who would know immediately that something was wrong and would quiz him about it. There was that 4th of July thing, but maybe he’d get by unnoticed with all the other people there.
Stay away from the Blue. He couldn’t stand to see her there with other people and ignoring him. Each time brought about another cut.
There were probably other things. He’d discover them as they went along, unfortunately. But for the time being, these would help him build up that protective shell around himself that he’d perfected years ago, that one that kept fans’ insults or a coach’s lectures or an agent’s gripes—and most of all, Kelli’s divorcing him—from hitting home.
It was almost the end of June, and not too long from now, he’d be leaving for training camp. Man, training camp had never sounded so enticing before. And he’d never thought he’d be so grateful for being a newbie on the team and having the extra week of rookie camp. Only eleven more days, even if it did seem like eternity.
He couldn’t avoid seeing Kelli sometimes. One day he pulled up in front of the house, and she was out in the side yard, playing fetch with Toby, and he felt like someone stabbed him the chest. Or maybe he just wished someone had stabbed him in the chest, because then it would be over.
Worse, he didn’t back out and drive away. He just sat there, watching her laugh and clap and pet Toby, and just wishing that he could still hate her like he used to.
Then Kelli turned around and saw him, and all the happiness drained out of her face. She put her head down and walked to the bar, arms crossed, Toby cavorting around her. Yeah, Kelli didn’t seem to have any problem with hating him.
He spent most of his time working out; he went on long runs with Toby every evening; he hung out with Asa or one of the other single guys; he ate dinner alone and went to three movies by himself—though he couldn’t remember what they were about the moment he left the theater.
It was harder than last time, which really didn’t seem fair. Back then, he’d had booze and clubbing and anger to distract him. But now, Jake was determined to stay on an even course. He had to show everyone he could handle it. Hell, he had to prove it to himself.
So he kept working out and studying the playbook, though it was hard to concentrate on it now, and talking plays with the quarterback coach and Neil. He didn’t blow up at anyone. He didn’t go to any bars. He was determined to not give the team managers a single a reason to cut him. He no longer had Kelli; he couldn’t lose football too.