Smokey’s Turmoil by Erin Osborne
Chapter Sixteen
Smokey
I’M SITTING IN the common room of the clubhouse with a beer in hand as Renegade and several other men walk through the door. I’ve been busting my ass to finish up the new wall around the compound with mainly Prospects while everyone else is at work as normal. The ol’ ladies were here when I returned with Colby among them. He’s laughing and playing with the rest of the kids as they sit around and watch him. Not a single one of the ol’ ladies will speak to me. I’m not sure what the hell I’ve done to make them mad at me, and I’m not about to ask them either.
“How’s the wall comin’?” Renegade asks, walking straight up to me and taking a seat.
“Almost done. Should finish up tomorrow afternoon with it. Then Hawk will need to wire up the new system to ensure its workin’ right. I’ve been goin’ back down what’s already been done to make sure there’s no cracks in the cement or anythin’ else. We’ve been makin’ sure it’s reinforced so no one will be able to drive a car or anythin’ through it,” I answer him, as Ink sits down on the opposite side of me.
“Good to hear. I’ll let Hawk know he should be there in the mornin’ to get it done while you’re finishin’ up. He’ll have time to work as you guys finish up and you can all test it to make sure everythin’ is workin’,” Renegade tells me, taking a large sip of his beer.
None of us say another word as we’re all lost in our own heads for a few minutes. It’s not until Grave walks through the door a half hour later that conversations begin at the bar. His cut is covered in some sort of grime as he takes a seat next to Renegade. Tapping his knuckles on the bar, a beer is set in front of him by Reese who’s just made her way behind the bar.
“You see how sad and upset she was lookin’ this mornin’?” Grave asks as I tune into their conversation.
“Yeah. She’s lookin’ rundown and didn’t look as if she’s feelin’ all that great,” Ink returns, looking around me toward Grave.
“Who the fuck you talkin’ about?” I ask, looking between the three men sitting with me.
“Jasmine. She’s not happy and laughin’ like she normally does. Black circles fill under her eyes and it barely looks as if she’s run a brush through her hair. I know the women are helpin’ her with things, but it’s still rough as fuck on her obviously. We need to figure out a way to help her get more sleep or figure out what’s stressin’ her the fuck out,” Ink answers, staring me dead in the eyes communicating more than what he said out loud.
My best friend is silently blaming me for the way she’s looking and acting. In a way, I know I’m the responsible one. However, she knew what I could and couldn’t give her when things started between us. It’s not my fault I can’t be around the little family she’s building for herself. She doesn’t know what I’ve been through. If she did, I’m sure she wouldn’t feel horrible about why I’ve suddenly pushed her away. Hell, if any of these guys had the first clue about what I’ve been through, they’d understand why I did what I did.
“Well, she’s got a young one who is full of energy now. She’ll be fine. Jasmine is a strong woman who will bounce back at some point in time,” I state, draining my beer before accepting another one from Reese.
“Come with me Smokey,” Renegade orders, standing up from his seat as I look over at the women to find Colby staring at me as Phoebe puts his small coat on his body.
She’ll be taking him home to Jasmine now. Usually, he’s gone before any of us get back here so I’m not sure why he’s stayed so late today. Walking into Renegade’s office, I shut the door behind us not sure why he’s called me in here. After taking the seat in front of his desk, I cross my ankles while continuing to drink my beer.
“Smokey, what the fuck is goin’ on with you?” Renegade questions me, his voice not hard but not unyielding either.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. I know you’ve never wanted an ol’ lady or kids in your life. But you’re the first one to step up when it comes to the women and kids in the club. You move Jasmine into your apartment when you’ve never let another person invade your space. Except for maybe Ink. Even he has no clue what’s goin’ on with you. Why you’d suddenly move out of your apartment because Jasmine moved Colby in with her. That little boy just lost his momma and was clingin’ to Jasmine. Of course she’s goin’ to take him with her if it’s what he wants,” Renegade states, sitting back in his chair while staring me down.
“I don’t want to get into it. It has nothin’ to do with Jasmine or even the kids if I’m bein’ honest. There’s a reason I don’t want an ol’ lady or children of my own. At the end of the day, I know I’m not the one responsible for the ol’ ladies you guys have. The kids go home to lovin’ parents who take care of them and teach them right from wrong on a daily basis. They aren’t mine to protect and love because I can’t do that. It’s not in me,” I tell him, trying to get out of sharing my story with him.
“That’s bullshit. You might lurk in the back and try to stay as far away from attachments as possible, but you are more than capable of lovin’ someone and lettin’ people close.”
“I am? That’s really what you think?” I question him, anger beginning to fill my veins as images of my past fill my head. “If I’m so capable of love and protectin’ someone why are my mom and brother fuckin’ dead as my father sits in a fuckin’ prison cell? He killed our mother causing my baby brother Tristan and I to be put in a foster home. Separate foster homes. I couldn’t save my baby brother who was killed by his foster parents at the age of eight. Man, he’d just turned eight too. I was ten years old and had my entire family taken away from me by miserable, abusive fucks.
“My father abused us on a daily basis. We couldn’t do a single fuckin’ thing right in his eyes. Even when I tried to protect my brother, I couldn’t do it. He had asthma and was hospitalized more than once. That was always my fault because Tristan wanted to follow me everywhere and do everythin’ I did. His little body couldn’t handle it. I’ve had more broken bones in my body than anyone else I know.
“You want to hear about how I was stabbed by my father because I tried to save my mom from yet another beatin’? Or how about the time Tristan and I were locked outside the shitty trailer as my father beat my mother to death. Of her screams hauntin’ me to this day because I couldn’t get in to save her in time. How about the day we were put in foster care and Tristan was screamin’ and cryin’ for me because he didn’t want to be separated from me?
“I couldn’t even go to my baby brother’s funeral because my foster parents didn’t believe he was killed. So, I ran away from their home so I could be the only person to be there as he was buried without a marker. Tristan had nothin’ more than a cross with his first initial and last name. As soon as I earned enough money, I bought him a headstone. Somethin’ he deserved. To this day, I barely go see him there because I’m weak. Tristan deserved to live a full, free life and instead he made it to the age of eight with a life full of abuse, neglect, and followin’ around his big brother who couldn’t save him.
“I’ve been in more foster homes with people only givin’ a shit about collectin’ the money from the government while they sit on their asses drinkin’, gettin’ high, or fuckin’ whoever they wanted. No one wanted me long-term because I was a problem child. I didn’t listen and hated the entire world. That’s how I fuckin’ grew up and spent my formative years. No one has ever shown me love and what it means to love someone just because of who that person is and not what they can do for me.
“Do you want to know that I crave Jasmine more than anythin’ else in my life? How she’s so fuckin’ carin’, lovin’, and innocent I want to protect her from all the danger and horrible shit in the world. What about how I long to have her as my ol’ lady and build a family I know is all mine? I know she’d never let our children get hurt because she’d give her life for them without hesitation. I see her, smell her, and taste her on a daily basis because I’m the only one who has ever known her body and what she feels like. I respect her more than anythin’ because of the shit she’s been through and how strong she is despite all of it. Now, she’s opened her home and heart to her cousin and a little boy because that’s just who she is.
“Jasmine could be carryin’ my baby right now because I could never remember a condom with her. What did I do? I left her alone because I’m too weak and a chicken to be there by her side and have her back. Instead, I packed my shit when she wasn’t there and sent her a fuckin’ text message tellin’ her I was leavin’. How fucked up is that?”
By the time I’m done speaking, tears are streaking down my face unchecked as the vault in my mind bursts wide open letting all of my demons out. My entire body is shaking as the room around me spins. I’ve never shared any of these details with another soul in my entire life. Renegade stands from his chair and walks over to me. His steps barely register with the drumming in my ears taking over every other sound around me. With my heart racing and sweat pouring off my body, the beer bottle I was holding shatters on the floor at my feet.
Renegade pulls me into him for just a minute to center me once again. Shaking my head in an attempt to push my nightmares and demons back into the vault, I pull away from him and plop my ass back down in the chair before my legs give out on me. My eyes close as I concentrate on breathing and slowing my body down. It takes several minutes before I can open my eyes and look at Renegade sitting across from me.
“You think you’re not capable of lovin’ Jasmine and those kids because of that? Smoke, you were ten fuckin’ years old. What the fuck did you expect to do? When your mom and brother were alive, you loved them with everythin’ in you. The fact you tried to stand up against a grown ass man in an attempt to protect them show how capable you are. Now, you protect everyone in this club when you have a chance to do so. Don’t think I didn’t watch you race to Jasmine’s side when you thought she was hurt from a stray bullet. Or how you looked that little boy over despite how hard he was clingin’ to Jas. You stepped the fuck up and have been there for her when she needed you the most. You’ve protected her from her father and let us know what was goin’ on with her so we could help you handle things.
“Smokey, your older and able to protect those you love now. You’re not the same kid who watched as his family was taken from him. You are as much a victim as your mom and brother were. The only difference is you were givin’ a chance to live your life exactly how you want to. Do you think your mom and Tristan would be happy with the way you’re livin’? They’d want you to be happy and let others in your life entirely. To show Jasmine, Charlotte, and Colby exactly what kind of man you are and love them as you really want to. Yeah, you haven’t hidden the fact you watch Colby like a hawk when he’s here. You want to be involved in his life just as you were with Charlotte,” Renegade tells me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “We all see exactly who you are and how much you long to love Jasmine. Let us the fuck in and we’ll have your back. Just as you’ve had ours so many times over the years. If anythin’ you should realize exactly how short life can be and do everythin’ you can to live what you got left to the fullest.”
Standing up, I nod my head before leaving the office. Without saying a word to anyone, I leave the clubhouse. Straddling my bike, I don’t give a fuck about the cold as I place a helmet on my head after tying my bandana around my face. Starting it up, I rev the engine before pulling from the parking lot. Heading out of town, I just ride. The freedom of the road does nothing to calm my body and mind as I speed down the highway with no destination in mind. All I need to do is ride. To let my demons chase me with no hope of catching up to me.
When the sun sets and darkness takes over turning the sky from grey and gloomy to pitch black with no stars shining, I pull into a gas station. Filling up my bike and grabbing a coffee to warm up my hands from the freezing air, I take a few minutes to sit watching my breath as it turns into smoke clouds. Jasmine fills my head as normal. I wonder what she’s doing right now. Why she’s not sleeping or looks less than stellar as she normally does. I haven’t been to the diner since moving out of the apartment. There is no way I can see the woman I love without pulling her into my arms and keeping her for the rest of our lives.
After finishing the horrible, old coffee from the gas station, I straddle my bike once more. Pulling my bandana back up to cover my face, I start the engine and ride back to Shadowville. Yes, I know exactly where Jasmine and the kids live. I pass by their home to find Jason sitting in his truck watching over the small family. My chest aches as I long to stop and check in on them. Instead, I ride straight past it and make my way to the apartment. What I need now is a hot shower and my bed. Sleep hasn’t been happening much for me as I toss and turn every night. I need to think of what Renegade said to me and make some decisions. No matter what is decided, I know it’s going to be a battle with Jasmine. She’s not going to take me back immediately. If at all.
