Smokey’s Turmoil by Erin Osborne
Chapter Twenty-One
Jasmine
WALKING INTO THE clubhouse made me nervous as hell. Seeing Smokey in the diner every morning is something I have to deal with. Going into his world is something I don’t have to do. Yeah, I’m friends with Phoebe and will always do what I can for her since she’s been such a system of support for me. However, I didn’t think that included going to the clubhouse to pick up Colby. They’ve been bringing him to me. Or at least waiting outside for me to get there. Today, not so much.
When I walked in the common room, the first thing I did was look around for Smokey. No matter where I am, I always search for him. It’s not like I didn’t really know he wasn’t inside even though his truck was parked outside. Along with his bike. Soon, they’ll be putting them up for the winter. Anyway, all he has to do is walk in a room and I know he’s there. It’s like there’s a cosmic pull between us and I get alerted to his presence before even seeing him. I’ve never had anything like it with anyone else. That’s a major reason why it hurt so bad when he left without a reason.
Phoebe and I talk for just a minute before grabbing Colby’s things and leading him from the clubhouse. Phoebe wanted to talk about a few things, but I put her off. I feel horrible, but I made excuses as to why I had to leave. I’m not ready to see Smokey. We can talk in the morning about whatever she wants to go over with me. Or I’ll call her later on tonight about things. Part of me seriously wonders if she was stalling so Smokey and I would see one another. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she was. That’s just something she’d do to snap us both out of our heads to talk. Corrinth will do the same thing if I let her. Like mother like daughter.
Add in the fact that I now know without a doubt I’m carrying his child and I have to talk to him. I’ve debated ways to tell him. Including going the chicken route and simply sending him a message. Or writing him a letter for one of the ol’ ladies to give to him when they see him at the clubhouse or in passing. Those aren’t good enough though. He deserves to be told face-to-face and that’s what I’m going to do. I just have to find a time to see him long enough to let him know. Other than at the diner, I don’t see Smokey so it’s hard finding a time to meet up with him. It doesn’t help when I don’t want to have this conversation with him so I’m happy I haven’t run into him just yet.
Phoebe and Corrinth haven’t said a word to me about telling him I’m pregnant. They’re the only two who know about the baby and everything going on right now. Thankfully the medicine my doctor gave me has been helping so I can now get up and move around during the day and not feel like death warmed over because I’m so tired and weak from getting sick. I can eat again and have been making sure to drink plenty of fluids the last thing I need is to get admitted to the hospital. Charlotte and Colby have to come first because they’re already here in my life. Yes, I know it’s important to think about the baby and do whatever I need to in order to get him or her to grow and protect them.
Marilyn is a life saver. She has been helping me figure out what I need to do about everything and sat down with me when I talked to Charlotte about being pregnant. Yes, I could have had Corrinth with me, but I wanted to have Marilyn there instead. We’ve also talked to Charlotte’s counselor about the situation. She’s assured me Char will be fine if we move again. I’m worried about that more than anything. I feel like I’m adding more stress to her life instead of helping make things easier on her.
Charlotte is excited about the baby. I thought she might get upset because the father is Smokey, but that wasn’t the case. She assured me we would make everything work and she would help me with the baby and Colby. My cousin is older than her years by far. She’s had to grow up a lot in her young life with parents like hers and then getting kidnapped and held for however long. I don’t know a lot about what happened to her when she was being held. Char hasn’t opened up to me about it and I’m not going to force her to relive that time in her life. Especially when she does on a weekly basis at counseling and her group meetings.
On the way home with Colby, I stop off at the store to grab what we need for lunches and dinner for the rest of the week. With me not feeling good until the last few days, I’ve been slacking in the cooking and cleaning area; every area really. Putting Colby in a cart, we make our way through the store with Jason following me. He walks behind us, making funny faces at Colby to keep him entertained while we’re making our way through the aisles. Some days when he’s really tired, it’s the only way to get through what we’re doing before I can get him home for his nap. Jason has been amazing in helping with the kids. He takes Char to school when I’m not feeling the best in the morning and does what he can to help with Colby on side trips like this before we get home.
After paying for the groceries and cleaning supplies I bought today, we make our way out to my car. While I get Colby in his seat, Jason loads everything up in the trunk. That’s another thing I’m not allowed to do; lift or carry anything in when he’s around. Jason’s a gentleman even if he hides that part of himself from most everyone else. I’ve seen it on more than one occasion. It’s the only reason I let him in the house when Charlotte’s home. She’s got more than a mild crush on him, but he doesn’t notice. Or he pretends not to. I’m thankful he’s not following his feelings for my cousin because she is a minor. Some people simply don’t care but he does.
On the way home, I watch Colby in the rearview mirror. He’s babbling to himself as he runs a toy motorcycle along his car seat. Ink gave it to him and it’s all he plays with. I can’t even say anything at all about him following Phoebe’s man around all the time when he’s around because Ink’s a great man. He has been there for me more times than I can count and checked in when I was feeling horrible and could barely move. Corrinth sent him over a few times with soup and other food just so I could have something in my stomach. I won’t be that mom who tries to force her children into following a path I want them to. As long as they’re good people and treat others with respect, I don’t give a shit what they do in their lives. The exact opposite of how I was raised when my father was around.
Pulling in the driveway, Jason begins unloading the car as I get Colby inside for his nap. With a cup of juice and his bike in bed with him, I leave the room with the door opened just a crack. Heading out to the kitchen, I begin to put everything away and clean out the refrigerator and the kitchen as I go. Then, I begin to make dinner. Tonight, I’m going to make stuffed shells for Charlotte with garlic bread and a salad. It’s one of her favorite meals. She’s been a great help and deserves to be given a treat. I’m also making her peanut butter brownies for dessert.
It’s not long before I have the brownies in the oven as I brown the hamburger. By the time that’s done, Colby will be up, and it will be time to head out to pick up Charlotte from school. Then, the rest of the night is ours to relax after she finishes up her homework. Maybe she’ll want to watch a movie tonight or something. It’s been a while since we just relaxed and sat together in front of a movie or TV show.
I’ve just laid Colby down in bed for the night and Charlotte has gotten in the shower before bed. As I’m cleaning up the kitchen from dinner, there’s a knock on the door. Drying my hands off on the dishtowel, I make my way over to see Smokey standing just outside on my porch. Jumping back from the window, I take a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart at the sight of him standing there.
“Jas, know your there. Saw you look out the window. Open the door Song Bird,” he says, his voice having no problem coming through the door and washing over me from head to toe.
I’ve missed the sound of his voice. Now, my body is responding with a vengeance. Damn him!
Opening the door, I keep my body partially hidden behind it as he stands there in front of me. His eyes roam down my body before slowly sliding back up as I remember I’m wearing a pair of shorts and tank top only. I’ve already changed for bed.
“You’ve lost weight,” he states when his eyes meet mine.
“Yeah. Kind of happens when you can’t eat and get sick all the time,” I inform him, a hard edge to my voice I don’t mean to be there.
“I’m sorry. Can I come in so we can talk?” he asks, his voice showing guilt and shame as he continues to stare at me.
Nodding my head, I step back. As Smokey walks by me the scent that’s just him hits me full force. Leather, smoke, grease, and something uniquely him floods my senses. He steps inside my small home and looks around. I close the door and push past him to finish cleaning up the kitchen so I can start the dishwasher after Charlotte gets out of the shower. I don’t use it often since washing dishes by hand soothes me, but I used a lot of dishes and cleaned out the fridge today so I’m making an exception.
“Where are the kids?” Smokey asks, walking in the kitchen to lean against the counter next to me.
“Charlotte is in the shower and Colby’s in bed already.”
“Charlotte’s right here,” my cousin states walking into the kitchen to give me a hug before bed.
“Hey Char. How are you doin’?” Smokey asks her.
“Been better. Now, things are good. They need to stay that way,” she says, her voice filled with pain and anger as she turns her back on the man she began to open up to. “Night Jas. I’ll see you in the morning. I’m here if you need me.”
“Good night honey. I’ll be okay.”
Smokey watches her walk away with his head hung down. I’ve never seen him look like this before. He’s filled with guilt for some reason. Not sure what he has to be feeling guilty about.
“Can we sit down and talk?” he asks as I start the dishwasher.
“Yeah. Head to the living room and I’ll be right there.”
Walking to grab a blanket from the end of my bed, I make my way to the living room after checking on Colby who’s passed out in his bed with the motorcycle clenched in his fist. I learned one night not to try and take it away because he’ll wake up and have a fit that takes forever to calm down from. Usually nothing wakes him up, but that does. Sitting down on the couch and putting the blanket across the front of my body, I cover up for the conversation I’m about to have with Smokey.
“How have you been?” I ask him, my voice steady as my hands shake while nerves get the better of me.
“Been better Jas. Can I talk first? There’s a lot I need to talk to you about. You’re only gonna be the second person I talk to about this and share my story with. Renegade is the only other one who knows. Then, we figure out what is gonna happen next.”
“Go ahead,” I tell him, sinking further into my couch for whatever he’s about to share with me.
Smokey shares with me his childhood. Of growing up with an abusive father who beat his younger brother, mom, and him. He tells me about how his father killed his mom, sending Tristan and him to foster home. Since they were older, they didn’t get a chance to be in the same foster home. There was no way for him to protect his little brother with them being separated. I’m told how his brother was killed by his foster parents and there was nothing for him to do about it. How they didn’t even want to let him attend the funeral. That’s when he ran away from his foster home.
He shares with me his belief for so long that he failed not only his mom but his brother too. He’s taken their deaths on his shoulders and has carried it around him his entire life. It breaks my heart to know this is why he lets no one in and pushes everyone away. At the same time, it makes sense why he cut out and ran as soon as I brought Colby into the apartment. That doesn’t mean I forgive him for just shutting me out; it hurts that’s what he chose to do.
“Song Bird, I know I have a lot to make up for. And I’ll do that until my dyin’ breath. At the end of the day, I’m askin’ you for another chance to make things right with you. Can you give me that?” he asks after he’s shared his story with me.
“Well, um, I need to tell you something before you decide what you want to do. And, I need to think if that’s something I can get past. There’s always a chance you’ll do it again and there’s more than just me to think about in this situation,” I tell him, taking a deep breath before continuing on. “I’m pregnant. It’s been confirmed by a doctor and I have an ultrasound tomorrow. I know you said you don’t want kids or anything. So, you have to know. I’m not expecting anything from you or any of that. You have the right to know so I’m telling you.”
For several minutes, Smokey says absolutely nothing. He simply stares at me with a worried look on his face. I’m expecting him to get up and get off the couch and take off at any second. Instead, he shocks me by pulling the blanket from my body and placing his hands on my stomach. He stares at my stomach for a few minutes before looking up at my face.
“The only thing this changes is that I’m gonna be here every single fuckin’ day. I’m goin’ to work my way back into your heart and earn your trust all over again. I want to go to the appointments with you and share more of my story with you. Jasmine, that’s why you were so sick, isn’t it?” he asks me as if his word is law.
“Yeah. Not a great start to the pregnancy. But, I’ve been taking the medicine for nausea the doctor prescribed me and it seems to be helping. I can eat and don’t feel as weak now. Not to mention I have been drinking a ton of water and other fluids so I don’t get dehydrated. At this point in time if it doesn’t get better then I’ll be admitted to the hospital until things get better,” I tell him honestly.
“I’m gonna head home so you can get some rest. Tomorrow mornin’ I’ll be here. I already know you got the day off from the diner. We’ll hang out and I want to spend some time with Colby. What time is your appointment?”
“It’s at nine. Phoebe will be grabbing Colby first thing in the morning. I’ll pick him back up when my appointment is done. Thank you for going with me, Smoke,” I tell him as he stands up and helps me from the couch.
Walking him to the door, Smokey gives me a kiss on my forehead before shutting the door behind him. He doesn’t move from just outside the door until the lock clicks into place and I’ve set the alarm. Honestly, I’m surprised he’s even leaving with the way he’s so adamant about being a part of the pregnancy and working his way back in my life.
In a daze I head into bed for the night. With thoughts of Smokey and everything he dropped on me tonight, I let him consume me as usual. This man has worked his way into my life and there’s no way I can get him out. Even all of these weeks later, Smokey is still at the forefront of my mind. And dreams.
