Always Been You by Lily Miller

Twenty-Three

Parker

It’s beenthree days since I’ve talked to Livy. Almost three weeks since I’ve seen her or held her in my arms. I slam my phone down on my office desk. She hasn’t responded to a single call or text. I just want to hear her voice. Ellie messaged me to say Olivia is okay and to leave her alone. What the fuck does that mean? What am I supposed to do with that?

The last time I spoke to her we were planning our next weekend together. How can it go from that to total silence? I replay our last conversation over and over in my mind, looking for a reason for her to disappear on me. My mind is blank.

Rolling the sleeves of my dress shirt up my arms, I lean back into my leather chair, crossing my ankle over my knee. I rest the back of my head against the cool leather and squeeze my eyes shut. The muscle in my jaw clenches. The dull ache in my head has been relentless all weekend and I’m running on zero sleep.

I straighten in my chair at the sound of a light knock on my office door, pretending what’s happening to me right now doesn’t hurt like hell. Carmen stands in the doorway with the files I requested. I have a video call in ten minutes with Liam that I need to be prepared for. Somehow, I’m going to have to get some work done today. To do this, I’m going to need a miracle.

“Sorry to interrupt you. I have the budget update you asked for.” Carmen motions towards my desk, her heels clicking across the shiny hardwood floor. She drops the folder on my desk in front of me. “I made notes in the margin for you to review. I emailed you the link to your video chat as well. Let me know if you have any issues.”

Carmen is my new assistant. She has long brown hair with bright green eyes and is a few years younger than I am. I’ve known her for the two years she’s worked at our Reed Point office under my father. She was happy to make the move to Cape May, needing a change of scenery. She’s undeniably beautiful, but more importantly she’s good at her job and performs well under pressure. Miles has had a thing for Carmen for years, never able to be discreet about it. It’s obvious why, she’s the total package. But since finding Livy again, she does nothing for me.

“Thanks, Carmen. I’ll look at it now.” I take the file and open it. I raise my elbows to my desk and press my fingers into my temples.

“Are you feeling okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. You just look like something is bothering you.”

“I’m fine,” I answer back, forcing a swallow. “I just have a headache I can’t seem to shake. Thanks for asking.”

“Can I get you a bottle of water or Advil? I get headaches often and I know how awful they can be.”

“Actually, that would be helpful. I would appreciate that.” Carmen spins around and walks out of my office.

I pick up my phone to text Ellie quickly before my meeting. I’m hoping when I glance at the screen there will a text from Livy. Nothing. I need answers and I need them now. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m sucking balls at my job right now.

ME: Hey Ellie. I’m going out of my mind. I really need to talk to Livy. What can I do to get her to talk to me?

Bouncing dots appear telling me she’s typing. Fuck, I hope she has something for me.

ELLIE: I’m sorry Parker. This is between the two of you. Give her space and when she’s ready, I’m sure she will talk to you. Give her a few days.

Dammit! My anger bubbles to the surface. I feel like slamming my fist through a wall.

I stand and pace my office, adrenaline coursing through my veins, I feel like I’m losing control. Life has come full circle. I feel exactly like I did when I was eighteen and heartbroken, left without an explanation. History is repeating itself. Livy gets scared and she quits. The thought of never seeing her again burns in my chest. How can this be happening?

I swore what we had was real. I choke back the lump in my throat, walking towards the window. I unclench my fists, trying to release the tension, to ease the panic taking up space in my chest. She has always been my weakness.

* * *

“Haveyou heard a thing I just said? What is it with you today?” Liam’s face is staring back at me through the computer screen, tense and annoyed. We’ve been on this video call for over an hour and I’m trying my best just to follow along.

“I’m listening.”

“Yah, prove it. What did I just recommend you do with the cap-x budget?”

I have zero clue what he’s referring to. I guess I really wasn’t hearing a word he was saying.

“I’m sorry, man. Can we go over it again?”

“Parker, what’s going on with you? You can’t focus and you’re edgy as hell.”

“It’s that obvious?” My shoulders sag, he’s looking at me like I just grew a second head.

“It is. You’re a fucking mess. I’m guessing this has something to do with Olivia?”

Carmen pokes her head in my office, and I motion for her to come in. She hands me a bottle of water and two Advil. I nod my thanks and then wave her off. I pop the two pills in my mouth, chasing them back with a mouthful of water.

“It’s that bad that you have to self-medicate?” Liam raises his brows, sitting back in his chair while spinning a pen through his fingers.

“I wish I knew how bad it really is. Livy has been avoiding me all weekend and I have no idea why.”

“How can you not know why? You obviously screwed up in a big way if she won’t talk to you.”

“Fuck if I know. I don’t get it. I don’t know how relationships work, Liam.” I drop my head into my hands. “What do I do?”

Liam groans and leans forward, his face filling the space in my screen. I realize asking Liam for relationship advice is ridiculous but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Let me ask you a question.”

I nod.

“Do you love her?”

“More than anything,” I admit.

“So that means you want to fix this?”

“Of course, I do. I just don’t know how.” I close my eyes and drag my fingers through my hair.

“Go to Reed Point, you idiot. You have to talk to her. If she won’t answer your calls, you need to go see her. You’re not going to just sit back and watch her walk away, are you?”

“She won’t even answer my text messages. Who’s to say she will answer her door to me?”

“So, you are just going to give up? You’re a Bennett, we fight for what we want. You need to fight for her.” Liam looks at me with a pointed stare.

It sounds simple enough and suddenly I see it’s the obvious solution. I need to get to Reed Point as soon as possible.

“Hang tight, I need to pull up my calendar to see how soon I’m able to go.” Tuesday is full of meetings, but my Wednesday looks clear. I ping Carmen and ask her to block off my Wednesday and Thursday.

“Done, I’m leaving Wednesday.”

“Great, so what’s your plan?” Liam asks, like I might actually know the answer to that question.

“I’m going to find her and talk to her?”

“And say what? You can’t just show up without a plan.” Liam’s right. I need to think this through.

I drop my chin to my chest. I recognize this feeling. This is heartbreak. The feeling of drowning when you aren’t even in water. The sting of the pain in your lungs because there isn’t enough oxygen in the room to fill them. It’s a pain I’ve now felt twice in my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

“Parker!” Liam snaps me back to our conversation. “Get your head in the game. Focus. What are you going to say to her?”

“I’ve got tonight and tomorrow to figure it out.” Wednesday seems like forever away but I know it will come soon.

“You better figure this out if you don’t want to lose her. You need to do something so it’s clear how you feel about her.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. “Thanks, Liam.”

There isn’t anything I won’t do to fix this. I know what I want, and what I want is Livy.

Now the real question is… how am I going to get my girl back?

* * *

My Audi glidesto a stop in front of Livy’s apartment. I’m immediately racing up the steps two at a time to get to her door. My mind is jumbled with all the things I want to say to her, questions I need answers to spinning through my mind.

“Livy?” I knock on her door, “Please answer the door if you are in there. We need to talk.” I pound on the door again. “Livy please, talk to me.”

I wait for the door to swing open, for her to answer so we can fix this. I kick myself, wishing that I had asked her for her entry code so I could go in and force her to talk to me. I know if we could just talk, I could make her see we belong together. I could fix whatever the hell it is that is upsetting her.

My palms press firmly on the door and I rest my forehead against the cool wood surface, listening for sounds that she’s there. Silence. I wait a few minutes, then call her name again through the door one last time. Nothing. I’m not giving up. I walk away, looking over my shoulder one last time at her door, then run down the stairs exiting her building. I will find her. I have to. I’m not losing Livy again.

Later that night, I’m standing in front of Breathe Yoga, waiting for Livy to finish her usual Wednesday night class. I’m taking a chance that she’s in there with the girls like she is every week. I tried Bloom after I left her apartment and neither Livy nor Ellie was there. I talked to Leah hoping for a clue where I could find her, but I came up short.

A group of people begin to filter out and I spot Ellie stepping out onto the sidewalk, her yoga mat under her arm, a duffle bag over her shoulder. She’s by herself. Shit!Where’s Livy?

I wait a second longer, hoping she appears somewhere in the small crowd of people behind Ellie. My heart sinks. There is no sign of her anywhere. Out of options, I approach Ellie, hoping she will talk to me. She spots me and her eyes narrow. She looks pissed. She is not going to make this easy on me from the looks of it.

She crosses her arms over her body and thankfully stops to talk to me.

“If you came to see Olivia, she’s not here.”

“Where is she, Ellie? I’ve been looking everywhere for her. I need to talk to her.”

“She’s not ready to talk to you, obviously. I told you to give her space.”

“This is ridiculous. I have no idea why she isn’t talking to me. How can I fix this if no one will tell me what the hell I did wrong? How is this fair?”

“Are you kidding me right now? What you did to her is so freaking far from fair. Seriously, Parker. You’re supposed to be a smart guy, do you really need me to tell you what you did?”

“Yes, I do.” The tone in my voice is one of pure frustration. This is going nowhere.

“I am so disappointed in you. I was always on your side, pushing for the two of you to be together. Team Parkey, remember? I can’t believe I had you so wrong,” Ellie snaps, digging through her bag to find her car keys. She rushes past me towards her car that is parked along the street.

“What are you talking about?” My head is spinning, I feel sick to my stomach. Why can’t someone tell me what the hell is going on? “I would never do anything to hurt her.” I turn to follow her down the sidewalk.

Ellie whips open her car door to her back seat, tossing her duffle bag and mat across the seat. She slams the car door and moves towards the driver’s door, opening it.

“You really are impossible, Parker. Do I need to spell it out for you?”

“Clearly you do, Ellie, because I have absolutely no clue what’s going on here. I dropped everything to drive here. I’ve been all over Reed Point looking for her. She won’t talk to me. I’m clearly getting nowhere with you. I’m trying here, but I don’t know what more I can do?”

“Well, how about for starters you stop kissing women in hotel lobbies.” With that, Ellie climbs into her car, slamming the door behind her. The engine roars to life and her cars pulls away from the curb into traffic.

I’m left standing on the street on shaky legs with no time to respond. For a minute, her words don’t register. What is Ellie talking about? I would never betray Livy. And then it hits me. Friday night in the hotel lobby bar, the woman who sat down next to me who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I tried to be polite at first when she introduced herself and made small talk but then realized she mistook my kindness for a come on.

My admission that I was already in a relationship did nothing to stop that woman. She knew what she wanted.

Me. On her bed in her hotel room. She basically told me as much.

Asking the bartender to settle my tab, I knew I needed to get away from her. Unfortunately, she pounced on me before I had the chance to leave, catching me completely off guard when she forced her mouth on mine.

Was Livy there that night? Could she have seen that crazy woman assault my mouth? That must be it. It was Friday night when she started to avoid me. Fuck. I can only imagine what that must have looked like, the conclusions she must have jumped to. No wonder she won’t talk to me, I wouldn’t talk to me either.

I walk to my car, gathering my thoughts. The good news - I now know why Livy is avoiding me and I know I can fix this. It’s too late to drive back to Cape May so I drive to the beach house where I’ll stay the night and figure out how to get my girl back.

I need Livy to understand that she’s the only one for me. I’m sure she must think I’ve gone back to my old ways but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The days of going out to bars to meet girls are long gone and there’s nothing about casual hook ups that I miss. I only want a life with her. I want late night walks on the beach together. I want Livy in the chair beside me at family dinners. I will never be able to see a star in the sky and not think of her wearing my necklace. I need to make her see this. I need to show Livy with actions and not just words that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I lay in bed with my phone in my hand thinking of her, thinking of ways I can really show her she’s my whole world. I flip through the pictures of Livy I have saved on my phone, smiling when I get to the photos of her in my arms in bed with me at the beach house. I can still feel her hands all over me, her long golden hair tickling my chest. I fell in love with her that weekend. I miss her so fucking much. I can’t wait to get her back in my arms where she belongs. And I know just how I’m going to do it. I close my eyes, hoping to dream of Livy and praying I can pull this off.

I wake up the next morning with a plan. It’s a plan I want to set in motion right away, but I can’t do it alone. I pick up my phone and dial her number, hoping together we can pull this off.

“Hello?”

“Ellie, it’s me Parker. Please don’t hang up.” The desperation in my voice is real. I’m not too proud to get on my hands and knees if I have to.

“Fine. You have two minutes. What do you want?” Ellie sasses me back while I say a silent prayer.

“Look, the whole situation Livy saw at the hotel bar was not what she thinks it was. Seriously, she has the world’s worst timing but that’s beside the point. I love her, Ellie. I can’t be without her. I need your help.”

I tell her everything about that night. She confirms to me Livy was there and witnessed everything. My heart sinks, knowing Livy had to see that and think for even a second that I could ever hurt her like that.

“Okay Parker, I’m listening. But if you hurt my best friend, I’ll have no problem killing you and hiding your body. Got it?”

“Loud and clear.”