Always Been You by Lily Miller
Twenty-Two
Olivia
They are both naked,complete strangers and a storm is threatening the shitty shelter they have constructed to protect them from hypothermia, and bears that are apparently a predatory threat. What the effing of all effs is this show?
I shovel another mouthful of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Explosion in my mouth and wipe the drip that falls onto my tank top with my finger. I get back to my show because I’m invested, with a strange need to know if they can last the twenty-one days.
There’s a knock at my door and my heart sinks. I don’t move because I can’t. I feel frozen in place, and for a split second I wonder if it might be him.
“Olivia, it’s me. Open up, I’m worried about you,” Ellie hollers through my front door.
I’m not sure why she is worried about me. It’s Saturday night and as far as she knows I’m in total bliss in Cape May with Parker. Little does she know. I couldn’t bring myself to call anyone and explain why I’m home.
I answer the door and my best friend takes me in. Her eyes sweep my body from head to toe. I know I look bad. I haven’t changed out of the tank and sleep shorts I went to bed in last night and I’m pretty positive my eyes are still swollen and puffy after hours of crying. I have a pizza stain on one side of my sleep shirt from today’s lunch and a chocolate stain from the ice cream I’ve been binging on my left boob.
As strong as I try to be, I can’t stop myself from falling to pieces in the doorway. Tears roll down my cheeks. She pulls me in for a hug.
“Oh Olivia, what happened? I was so worried about you when I couldn’t get a hold of you.” Ellie closes the door behind us and takes my hand leading me to the couch. She flops down beside me, tucking her leg underneath her. Her focus moves to the television and the reality show I am watching.
“Is this Naked and Afraid? Oh, I love that show. Sorry, Olivia - squirrel! You know me.” She shrugs and it makes me laugh for the first time in hours. Focus is not one of Ellie’s best attributes.
“How did you know I was here? I didn’t tell anyone I came home.” Ellie hands me a tissue from one of the three boxes I have in rotation around my apartment.
“I didn’t. It’s just the first place I looked when you didn’t answer your cell or return my texts. Parker is really worried about you. He called me this morning and asked if I knew where you were. He said you haven’t returned any of his messages or calls since last night.” Ellie says carefully, “He asked me to check on you and have you call him. I don’t get it. What’s wrong, Olivia?”
I realize I haven’t looked at my phone since getting home last night. I’m not even sure where it is in this mess of an apartment.
My eyes are clouded with tears that are threatening once again to spill over. Embarrassment and shame, I’m sure, are written all over my face.
“It’s okay, Olivia. Whatever it is, I am here for you. We will get through it together like we always do. Promise.”
I take a deep breath and tell her everything. Thankfully, she kept my surprise visit to Cape May from Parker, not sure if I would want him to know.
“I don’t believe it. I’ve seen the way that man looks at you. Sparks fly when you two are in a room together. You had to have been mistaken.”
“Ells, I know what I saw. They kissed. The slut bag had her hands on his body. Is it really that hard to believe? He doesn’t do commitments. He likes his freedom. He hasn’t been in a relationship since high school.”
“Yes, since you. He only does relationships with you because he loves you. None of this makes sense.”
I focus on the almost empty carton of ice cream on the coffee table, hoping it will distract me from my thoughts. I exhale, wrapping my arms around my knees, pulling them into my chest.
“You need to talk to him, Olivia. Hear him out. There are two sides to every story.”
“I’m not talking to him.”
Ellie sighs, pushing up from the couch to standing, clearing the dirty dishes from my coffee table.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m cleaning up your mess, and then I’m putting you in the shower and getting you out of those clothes. I love you, Olivia, but you smell, and your hair looks like you styled it with mayonnaise.”
I can’t argue. She’s right. I shower and change into joggers and a loose fit t-shirt. When I’m done, I find Ellie in my newly cleaned living room shuffling through Netflix. There are two cups of hot tea on the coffee table.
“Have I ever told you there’s no one better than you, Ells?” I lower myself to the couch beside her, and she wraps one arm around my shoulder.
“You are very lucky to have me. I am pretty amazing. I know a bunch of people who would agree.”
I chuckle and lean forward, reaching for my tea and taking a sip, letting the hot liquid soothe the knot in my throat. It warms my chest, lulling the ache that consumes my body. It feels good going down, but I wonder if a tumbler of something stronger to numb the pain might have been the smarter choice.
“Should we watch a movie, or do you want to talk?”
I think about it for a second. “I don’t know. What is there to say? He broke my heart. I thought he was it for me. I could have sworn he was the one. I saw a future together. I saw babies. Now I just feel like an idiot.”
“I’m sorry, Olivia. I thought he was the one too.” Ellie runs her hand down my ponytail. “I have to text him and let him know you are alive. He asked me to check on you. He’s worried sick and it’s not fair for him to think that something bad happened to you.”
“That’s fine. What will you say? Not that it matters anyway, he obviously couldn’t care less about me.”
“I will tell him that you are safe at home and that he’s a giant asshole.”
“All true,” I grumble. My chest tightens thinking of him. The image of the woman’s lips on his replays over and over in my mind and I can’t make it stop. I set my mug down on the coffee table and rub my eyes with my palms. I fall back into the couch and pull my legs into my chest.
“It hurts so bad, Ells. I feel like I can barely breath.” I feel the warmth of my best friend’s arms wrap around my trembling body. She smooths my hair from my face and tells me to cry it out. It’s going to take endless tears and an entire lifetime to get over Parker Bennett, and even that might not be enough.
* * *
A rayof sunshine cuts a straight line across my bedroom. My eyes adjust to the morning light as I roll over, looking for Ellie. We fell asleep last night on the couch watching a movie. Ellie nudged me at some point, waking me from my sleep and we relocated to my bed. I fell back asleep in a little spoon position with Ellie’s arms around my center.
I rub my eyes and stumble out of bed and into the kitchen. She’s left a note beside an empty mug on the counter. My phone that I haven’t seen since Friday night is plugged into the wall and charging. The note reads…
Morning! Off to work, wanted to let you sleep. I’ll see you tonight. I’m taking you out for dinner. Get out of the house today and stay far away from chocolate ice cream, I promise you’ll feel better. Love you, Ells
I pop a coffee puck into the machine and slide two pieces of bread into the toaster. My apartment is ridiculously quiet as I sit at the breakfast bar and turn on my phone. The screen lights up, alerting me I have more messages from Parker. I lock my phone and throw it back to the counter without opening any of his messages. I have nothing to say to him so what’s the point?
I finish my toast and coffee and get back in my preferred position on my couch. I catch myself staring out the window. The sun is pouring in, taunting me to get my ass off of the couch and get some fresh air. I decide to take Ellie’s advice. I need to run. I need to feel the sun on my face. I’m done thinking about Parker. I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
I dress in my sports bra and running shorts, lace up my sneakers and head out my door. The warmth of the sun feels like a heavy blanket wrapped around me. My feet pound the pavement, my heartbeat hammering in my chest. It’s my escape. An escape I needed today more than ever.
I travel my usual route along the boardwalk. Closing my eyes, I inhale the fresh ocean breeze and then exhale a full breath back out. I can breathe again. The sounds of the waves crashing into shore calm my frayed nerves. I typically have my ear buds in, music high, motivating me to run faster, but today I left my phone at home. Parker hasn’t stopped sending me messages. I’m too angry to respond, but instead let that anger fuel me to a personal best. I run seven miles before losing steam. My heartbeat feels like it’s bursting through my rib cage as I bend over, my hands on my knees, breathing fast.
Ellie was right. I needed to get out. Clear my mind. Erase the images of Parker and that night from my memory. I need to move on without him and find happiness again. Sitting at home watching shitty television and crying into a bowl of ice cream is not going to help.
I walk down Main Street, stopping at Bloom, not wanting to be alone in my apartment. I know I won’t be able to stop thinking about him if I’m by myself. The memories won’t stop. His dark brown eyes, the sexy smile he gives me when he catches me staring at him. I can still feel the grip of his hand on my hip when he pulls me into him. Olivia, you need to stop this.
I’m a sweaty mess, so I sneak through the back door in hopes of no one seeing me. I grab a bottle of water from the small fridge in the back room and crack the top, hearing Ellie as she speaks to a customer. I turn to sit at the desk and when I do, I trip over my own foot, sending a glass vase to the floor. It smashes into smithereens as it hits the hardwood. You’ve got to be kidding me.
I hear footsteps running towards me from the front of the store. I’m mortified, wishing I could find somewhere to hide. I bend to the floor to clean up the colossal mess my clumsiness made.
“Olivia! You scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?” Ellie stares down at me, watching me pick up the larger pieces of glass, stacking them in my hand. I’ll need a broom and dustpan for the rest of the glass.
“I’m fine. Just bruised my ego tripping over my own two feet trying to be quiet. I didn’t want to see anyone except for you.” I can feel my face heat. Ellie’s expression changes and I’m confused as to why she is looking at me with an apology in her eyes.
“Is everything okay back there?” I look up to see Hunter standing beside Ellie, a look of concern on his face. Now I understand why my best friend was looking at me the way she was. Of all people to see today, it had to be Hunter.
“What are you doing here, Hunter?” I ask sharply. This can’t be happening. Who in this universe did I piss off so badly to deserve the last three days of hell? I must have stomped on a kitten in my previous lifetime to deserve this special kind of torture. I’m not sure how things could get worse but if I was a betting woman, I’d put money on it that they will.
“I came to see if we could talk, Olivia. I’ll only take up a few minutes of your time.”
Ellie watches me, waiting on my decision. I know she would have zero problem throwing his ass out into the street if I said the word. My eyes meet hers and I nod, letting her know I will talk to him.
“That’s my cue. I’ll be out front if you need me, Olivia.” Ellie narrows her eyes at Hunter, her lips pressed together in a straight line, leaving the two of us alone. I inwardly laugh. My best friend is a pit bull.
“What do you want, Hunter?” I leave the pile of glass at my feet and throw the pieces I collected into the garbage can behind me.
“I want to apologize to you.”
“Apologize for what?”
“For being such a jerk to you back in high school. I said some awful things to you that I never should’ve said. I’m not proud of myself and I know I screwed up. For what it’s worth, I never meant what I said.”
“It was a long time ago, Hunter. It’s my fault for believing you.”
“No, Olivia. It was completely my fault that you and Parker broke up. He loved you. He always has.” I wince at his words. “I was just a jealous prick who wanted what he had.”
I’m not sure what he means by that, but I’m too tired to care. None of it matters anymore. Parker and I are done, and there’s little point in dredging up the past.
“It’s fine, Hunter. It was a long time ago. We’ve all moved on. I’m not one to hold a grudge.”
Hunter exhales a deep breath and the corners of his mouth rise just a little. It’s a different side to Hunter. A softer, sweeter side than I remember from when we were kids. I guess even total asshats can change and mature.
“Parker is a lucky guy, Olivia. I’m really happy you found your way back to each other. You both deserve to be happy.”
I feel my eyes sting, tears blurring my vision. I swallow hard, willing the tears away. I do not want to cry. Especially in front of Hunter. He must notice because the small smile he had on his face is replaced with worry.
“Are you okay, Olivia?”
“I will be.” I pause uncomfortably. “Things didn’t work out with Parker. I’m sure you are going to hear sooner or later.”
Hunter looks genuinely confused. His fingers scratch the scruff of his jaw. I look away, pretending not to feel as uncomfortable in this moment as I do.
“I’m so sorry.” Hunter’s eyes soften. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never seen Parker happier. I’m shocked.”
“Well, you and me both.” I’ve already said too much, and I can feel the tears burning the rims of my eyes. I can’t break down in front of Hunter. I need to get out of here. “Look Hunter, I appreciate the apology, but I really need to clean up this mess and go home. I hope you and Parker are able to mend fences. You’ve been friends too long not to. It would be a shame.”
Hunter nods and smiles. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it’s warm and thoughtful. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to seeing a sympathetic side to him.
“I doubt a friendship with Parker is in the cards, but I will always only wish him the best. Take care of yourself, Olivia.”
He says goodbye and leaves. I realize in that moment how much his apology means to me, how much I needed to know he never meant the hurtful things he said to me. That was the lowest point in my life. It was his words that made me feel shame for who I was. For who my family was. I feel one weight lifted from my shoulders. It’s too bad I still feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on me.
“Everything okay back here? Hunter just left.” Ellie’s eyes meet mine, her brows pulled together. I know she is dying to hear what he had to say.
“It’s fine.”
“What did he want?”
“To apologize, believe it or not.”
“Wow, the dick bag has a heart after all. What did you say?” Ellie pushes the tall garbage bin closer to me. I sweep the small pieces from the dustpan into the bin.
“I forgave him, of course. My mother always told me that when you hold a grudge, your hands aren’t free to catch blessings. And I believe that.”
“Well, you are a better woman than me, Olivia. I would take that grudge to my grave.”
Amused by Ellie, I can’t help but smile. I put the broom away and take a long drink of my water.
“Go home and get ready. I’ll clean up the rest. I am taking you out tonight and we are going to have some fun.”
“Ellie, I don’t know. I think I’m more in the mood for ice cream, playlists full of sad songs and drinking alcohol like it’s my full-time job.” I grumble like the pathetic, broken, sad excuse for a human that I am.
“Not on my watch. And besides, you can still drink your brains out while wearing a cute outfit in a fun restaurant. I’ll pick you up at seven.”
I love so many things about Ellie, but right now her tenacity is not high on that list.