Giving Away by Lola King

CHAPTER 6

‘Knocking my wind, taking my breath then dying to breathe

You’re the drug I’m fiending for

You’re the cut I’m bleeding for’

F U till I F U – Call Me Karizma, Cass

Jamie

Jake parks on the street by my house and we walk together to my front door.

“You didn’t have to walk me to my door,” I say, even if I love that he did and can’t stop the smile that warmly spreads across my face.

“I’m coming in, making sure there’s no bad surprise in there.”

I can’t believe I had sex with Jake. Three times. He woke me up in the middle of the night and made sure to have another round before I left his house. I have this feeling of being utterly fulfilled and happy, yet, as soon as he walks past my front door his demeanor changes and I fear the bliss isn’t going to last.

It might be because I know it’s not like him to get in touch after sleeping with a girl. Jake’s reputation has always preceded him. A couple of months ago he didn’t even know who I was, whereas I’ve always known of Jake White before knowing him. And what I knew was that he was the king of our school, he had Camila and many other subjects to keep him company. What I knew was that if he wanted a girl, he could have her and he never went back for seconds. Only Camila ever had that chance.

I’m not Camila. I don’t have her beauty, I don’t have her curves. I don’t take care of myself like she does, not of my hair or my skin. I don’t hide my pimples when they come out, I don’t whip out a pocket mirror after eating bolognese and I buy my clothes at the charity shop. I don’t have her money or her status. I don’t have her naïve, superficial happiness that so many privileged people get to live with.

Maybe that’s why I’ve got this anxious feeling deep down. I know I’m not special. I’m not ugly and there are many things I like about myself – my brains, my skin complexion, my gorgeous eyes thanks to my mom, my thick hair – but I’m petite, shapeless, almost kid-like. I skipped the glow up and went straight to bags under my eyes from nights worrying about our financial situation or having nightmares about my dad and my brother. Camila has the confidence that puts her above other girls. She’s got that blue blood running through her veins; she and Jake are royalty. I’m not her and I have nothing that could keep Jake. Nothing.

I don’t regret my first time being with him, it was the best I could have hoped for. He’s experienced and knows how to drive my body to pure bliss. I just wish…maybe I just wish we had gotten to know each other more outside of our cat and mouse game. Maybe that way he would know I’m worth keeping, I’m worth coming back to.

Gosh, can you hear yourself? You need space from this guy, you sound like a pathetic fangirl. Get a grip.

He walks in after me and we go around my house together. It’s insane, I remember doing this on my own when I would be scared he was following me. After all, he did break into my house while I was inside.

I’m feeling dizzy from all this back and forth thinking, from everything that happened yesterday and the angst making me feel like I’m stuck in quicksand. I feel dirty and sticky from last night and I’m uncomfortable in my clothes, a bit too hot from the stress.

We walk back into the living area and I settle against the kitchen bar, letting him go around my tiny living room one more time. He comes to a stop in front of me, eyebrows furrowed, and lips pinched together, but he says nothing. So I fill in the blank.

“I should probably call my mom and all that. Do my homework for tomorrow. We’ve got a paper to hand in for English. I haven’t even started.”

He drags the heavy silence I leave after my slightly panicked pace of words. I can’t get myself to look at him, my gaze hopping between imaginary points behind him. I still feel like this scaredy-cat around him. We had sex, what now? He got what he wanted. Why do I still feel like a trapped mouse? I still feel at his mercy. It might not be the fear of bullying anymore, it might not be the fear of giving in, but it’s been replaced with that anxiety of having been taken for a fool. Have I? Did I lose our game?

A Cheshire grin spreads on his lips. That same smile that shows he loves watching me squirm, that he’s about to play with his little mouse.

“Why so fidgety, Angel? What’s on your mind?” he gloats, proud of how he’s making me feel.

“I’m not fidgety.”

“You’re like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered.”

I’m about to debate but my mouth clamps shut when he raises an eyebrow. I take a deep breath before throwing myself into the difficult topic.

“So, what now?” I spill. “Wh-what’s going to happen next?”

The smile turns into a slight pull at the corner of his lips as he pretends to take a serious thinking face. He cocks his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“Come on,” I sigh. “Don’t make me say it.”

“Say what?”

I pinch my lips and make sure I glare at him before continuing. “What are we?” I huff.

He chuckles, satisfied from getting me to ask the clingy question.

“You’re mine. That’s what we are,” he replies in all seriousness.

My heart skips a beat when he says that, but the giddiness is quickly replaced by annoyance. It makes no sense to say that. It means nothing except that he’s a possessive fuck and I hate myself for wanting to be his.

“What does that even mean, Jake,” I sigh. “Maybe I don’t want to be yours, maybe I want us on an equal foot where we’re both each other’s.”

“Fine,” he shrugs.

“Fine? Just fine? Don’t you think we should…I don’t know, do things normal couples do. Like, get to know each other or something? Date?”

He chuckles at me, mocking my innocence. “Sure, I’ll take you on a date, Jamie.”

And that’s Jake for you. He likes me. I know he likes me or he wouldn’t just agree to everything I’m saying. But he’s incapable of expressing it in the right way.

“Please don’t sound so enthusiastic about it,” I growl. I feel stupid. He’s making me feel stupid. I hate that, that’s not what I want. I don’t want to become the girlfriend who begs for attention and dates. If he’s going to treat me the same way he treated Camila, I don’t want to be his girlfriend at all.

“God, Jamie,” he sighs. “What do you want from me?”

“I just want to get to know you,” I argue. “Why do you have to be such a prick about it?”

His silence forces my tongue to uncontrollably push words out of my mouth in panic. “Shouldn’t we talk about yesterday at least? Aren’t you going to tell me about Nathan? About your childhood?”

Nothing. A block of stone. Blank, frozen.

“Something? Anything?” I insist, my brain giving up way too slowly for my dignity to stay intact.

Dejection washes coldly over me.

“I-I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t just another notch on your belt. But don’t worry, your reaction says it all,” I conclude.

He takes the one and only step that was separating us and runs his knuckles down my cheek, as if soothing the heat from the sting of rejection.

“You’re not. In fact, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be with another girl if I tried to, and I don’t even want to try.” My heart accelerates at his words and I gasp slightly when his thumb starts tracing my lips. “But…” He pushes the tip of his thumb ever so slightly against my top lip, just enough to then drag my bottom lip down. My body tingles from the gesture, yet my brain knows that ‘but’ isn’t announcing anything good. “I’m not going to open up to you, I will never talk about my childhood and I’m not going to be the perfect boyfriend to you, Jamie. I don’t really feel like being a boyfriend at all to be honest. This isn’t who I am. I’m possessive, I’m an asshole, and I want you. Your opinion doesn’t matter much to me. You like me, and you can’t resist me so, really, what are you gonna do about it?”

My body starts trembling with anger and humiliation.

“What do you think of me?” I slap his hand away from my face. “That I’m some sort of…of object or something?! Some girl… some toy you can use at your will? That you can just take and take and give nothing in return?”

“I’m not taking,” he explains in his sociopathic way. That way he has of being entirely unempathetic. “You’re offering willingly.”

“I…” I want to defend myself, but nothing comes out, the shock too great.

“I didn’t force you yesterday, I didn’t put you on your knees in front of me. You went willingly, you sucked and swallowed like a good girl and no one forced you.”

“Shut up,” I whisper.

“You knew what I’m like, Angel and you still offered me that sweet little pussy. All I did was help myself to the silver platter.”

The tears that threaten to fall feel like acid in my eyes. My fists are so tight I feel like my knuckles are going to pop.

“Just accept that you’re happy to be mine, Jamie. Why you’re even fighting anymore is beyond me. You had all the information from the beginning, and you still played with me. You’ve fallen too deep to go back now.”

“This is not what I want, Jake. It’s not who I am. I still have some self-respect.”

He lets out a short, mocking bark and pushes his body tighter against mine. “Self-respect? Aren’t you that same girl who cheated on her boyfriend for me? You were with two different men in less than twenty-four hours, Jamie. The good girl act isn’t as believable as it used to be.”

“Why are you being like this? All I wanted was to not make the same mistake I did with Nathan. I wanted us to get to know each other and our pasts before we went into something deeper than sex.”

His hands intertwine behind my head, tangling in my hair and he lowers his forehead to mine. “And I don’t want to get deep. I just want you. All of you. I want you to let me use you, to give me everything and–”

“And give nothing in return,” I finish for him. Confirming the words I said a minute ago.

“I can’t,” he sighs as if slightly lowering his guard. “I can’t because there’s nothing to give, Jamie. You can peel and peel away at it, you’ll just find the same heartless asshole I am on the surface. I’m pretty sure, actually, that you’ll find something crueler. The best I can do is put my Stoneview Prep cover on. Under that, it only gets worse.”

“You’re a horrible man,” I rasp, my throat tight and vocal cords tangled from pain and regret. What did I do? How could I think he would suddenly become sweet because we had sex?

“I never pretended otherwise.” He straightens up, takes a few steps back, and fishes his car keys out of his gray sweatpants. “I’ll give you some time to think about it, but don’t make me chase you again. I enjoyed the hunt, I want to savor my treat now.”

He doesn’t wait for my answer and turns toward the front door. He’s about to leave, his hand on the handle, his muscular shoulders defined under his black sweatshirt, when I speak again.

“It was a mistake.” My voice trembles, but it’s not with pain this time, it’s determination. He hurt me and I want to hurt him back. Because that’s the only way he’ll understand he hurt me. That’s the only way he functions. Anger and revenge.

He slowly turns around, an eyebrow raised. “You wouldn’t be the first girl who regrets losing her virginity to the wrong guy, Angel.”

My nostrils flare. “I don’t care about having my first time with you. Only guys like you make a big thing out of virginity.

“What is it then?” he huffs, running a hand through his messy hair.

“Breaking Nathan’s trust for you. It was a mistake.”

His ocean eyes darken like a winter night as he strides back to me. I’m too late to move away, too slow. His arms are on either side of me, palms gripping the kitchen bar as he lowers his furious face to mine.

“What did you just say?” His voice is a raspy hiss, fury like fire on his tongue.

“I said-”

“You didn’t break his trust, Jamie. You didn’t leave him for me, he gave you away. He gave you away the moment he started lying to you. He played you all along, don’t you fucking get that? Are you really that stupid to think he cared for you? Nate doesn’t care for people, he uses them. He took the first naïve girl he could use to spy on Rose and me and he utilized you.”

My chest is rising and falling so far, my breasts touch just below his chest, reminding me of how much my body likes Jake being close to it.

“You just had to ruin everything, didn’t you?” he spits at me, disgust contorting his beautiful face. “You just had to remind me that you were Nate’s little bitch before coming to me. You’re right. This was all a big mistake. I don’t want Nate’s sloppy seconds. I don’t want you.”

My heart breaks and I have to use inhuman force to not show it. It would have worked if the look on his face hadn’t been utter betrayal, disgust, regret. The tears I was trying so hard to keep at bay start overflowing and I bring a hand up to try and wipe them, but he seizes my fist.

“Don’t,” he orders. “Nobody cries like you do, Angel. Your pain is the biggest turn-on. I want this image imprinted on my brain when I go around fucking other girls.”

“You’re heartless,” I cry out as I push at his chest, desperately trying to get him away from me.

“At least I’m true to myself.” He lets go of me so suddenly, I almost fall on my ass. “Whatever we had…it’s over. I won’t waste any more time on you, Jamie.”

I watch him leave, tears free-falling down my face. How did everything get so bad?

◆◆◆

Monday, Jake didn’t show up to school and the rest of the week he completely ignored me.

Now two weeks after the Halloween ball incident, he and Camila are stuck together like glue, even if Emily tells me they’re not back together. I didn’t explain why I don’t want to hang out anymore when she’s with them and she didn’t insist but I can feel us slowly drifting apart. Her relationship with Luke is strong and she admitted to me that she’s falling in love with him. Who am I to get in the way of love?

School has never felt so lonely, but it’s also never felt so calm. My grades are going back up and my focus on everything is sharper. Lacrosse training is hard and rewarding. Life is peaceful, life is…boring.

In some wicked way, I miss Jake’s insistent techniques. I miss his hands on me, his dark voice ordering me around. I’m finding out ignorance really is the best revenge. He hurt me when he admitted he wouldn’t change for me, he would never be a sweet loving boyfriend, and I hurt him by mentioning Nathan. Our love/hate relationship is all over for good. There is nothing left of us.

I don’t know if there’s any way to fix this, I just know I hurt from being invisible to him.

“Miss Williams, is that clear?” Mr. Ashton’s voice drives me out of my daydreaming, and I widen my eyes, lost.

Everyone is looking at me with mocking smiles on their faces.

“I’m so sorry, Sir, I zoned out.”

“Make sure you pay attention please.” He turns back to the class. “So, I was saying the homework is due on Monday. They’re short poems and there are two of you working on it, so I expect no struggle.”

I look around in confusion and my gaze lands on Jake, writing something in his notebook.

The bell rings, he gets up and drops a piece of paper on my desk.

“The poems.” His voice is ice cold, and my chest constricts at the resentment in it.

“What do we have to do?” I ask.

“We’re supposed to answer all the questions together by Monday. I don’t want to work with you so write half of it, I’ll pick it up from your house tomorrow and write the rest.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to just do this together? We can do it in the library at lunchtime.”

He scoffs. “I’m not wasting my time with you, Goody. You’re not worth any of it, not even for English homework.”

His words hit me hard, but I try not to let it show. “I’ll be done by tomorrow,” I nod.

He doesn’t reply and just leaves the class without looking back. My heart aches at the silence, coldness, and hatred he leaves behind.

By the end of classes, I’ve spent another lonely day at school. I find Emily by our lockers.

“Can I hop in for a ride?” I ask. The weather outside doesn’t exactly appeal to a bike ride.

“Are you not going to the café?”

“No, I moved my shifts this week, I’m going home, and I don’t really want to bike in that rain. Unless you’re riding with Luke?”

I can sense her hesitation and my stomach aches when she replies, “Sorry, I’m going to the Murrays. We’re all working on our English homework together since I’m with Rose, Luke with Rachel, and Chris with Cam…”

“Cam? You call her Cam? Are you part of her clique now?” I can’t help the bitterness in my voice. This is riling me up, how can she do this to me? Befriend the she-devil that runs this school.

“I’m not. It just came out like that, don’t be so rude,” she cringes.

“It can’t just come out like that unless you hang out with her, Em.”

“Look. I hang out with Luke, Luke hangs out with Jake and she sticks to Jake so here we are.”

“How can you do this to me,” I rage. “You know what she’s done to me. You know how she is! You’re supposed to be my friend.”

“She was hurt, Jamie! Jake cheated on her with you. And then, you guys had sex and you didn’t even tell me about it…you’re supposed to be my friend.”

I freeze at her words. “How do you know?” I ask.

“Because she told me. Because real friends share secrets.”

“How would she even know?” I ask in shock. I think I know how, I just don’t want to believe it.

“Because Jake told her, obviously, did you really think he’s the kind of guy to take a girl’s virginity and then not go around bragging to his friends? They’re in the same group. Everyone knows.” She pauses to take a breath and sighs. “I thought you were different from all these girls that just fall for Jake’s shit, ‘Me.”

“I didn’t fall for Jake’s shit,” I hiss. “You have no idea what happened! And you’re the one who was trying to set us up!”

“Only after they broke up! I didn’t know anything was happening before that because you stopped opening up to me a long time ago!” She readjusts the bag on her shoulder. She’s louder than I am because she’s part of the popular kids and she doesn’t care if people hear her arguing. I do. I hate bringing attention to myself.

“Have you ever wondered if maybe I stopped opening up to you because you were too busy fucking your new boyfriend? You thought I was better than other girls, Em? I thought you said you’d never get over Aaron. We all change, I guess.”

She gasps in shock and I instantly regret my words.

“Em, I-”

“Stay the fuck away from me,” she spits as she takes steps back. “I’m serious, Jamie. Don’t talk to me. Ever again.”

“Emily…” I insist, but she’s gone, disappeared in the wave of students exiting the building.

Fuck.

I leave school fuming and hating myself. Outside, the rain hits hard and feels like needles against my cheeks.

I spot Emily by her car and I hurry to her. She’s about to close her door but I hold it with a hand.

“Em, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that. It was out of anger. I don’t know why I said it.”

“Leave me the fuck alone. Did you not register what I said? Don’t talk to me. Not today, not ever. Go back to the shed you call a house, Goody.”

My heart shatters into a million pieces. Never has she called me that stupid nickname before. Never has she made fun of my financial situation.

I hear laughter behind her and realize Camila and Jake are sitting at the back while Luke is next to her. Only Camila is laughing at me but it’s enough to force me to let go of the door.

Emily doesn’t look back at me when she pulls out of her parking spot.

I let out a raging grunt that quickly turns into full-on sobs while the rain mixes with my tears.

The parking lot is practically empty but even if it wasn’t, I don’t give a shit anymore.

When I get home, the lonely house hits me hard. I check my phone. No text from Emily. I guess she is officially done with me.

I try to call my mom and sigh as I reach the voicemail for the second time today. I feel so lonely, and that feeling that I brought it on myself is exhausting.

I shower and open a book in bed. Before I realize it, it’s 9 pm so I check my phone again. Nothing. I feel so empty, so miserable. No friends, no boyfriend, no family.

I don’t really control my body when my hands grab my phone and go to Nathan’s conversation. I cringe at what I’m doing and yet I still type my thoughts.

Jamie: You hurt me.

I don’t know why I’m opening myself up to him that way. Especially now that I know what he’s really like. I also can’t help my mind going back to all the times he was sweet to me.

It takes less than a minute for my phone to ring and his name to show up on my screen. My heart galloping in my chest, I don’t know what to do. I hover a shaking thumb over the screen, take a deep breath, and swipe.

But I don’t say anything.

“‘Me…” I recognize his voice, but I can’t help thinking it’s a few shades darker now that I know who he is. The background is noisy, some bass music and voices.

I can’t get myself to talk.

Think, Jamie. Use your brain rather than your heart or pussy for once. None of the White brothers are right for you.

“‘Me, talk to me. Please.”

Tears build up in my eyes and I sniffle to try and keep everything at bay.

“Please, please don’t cry. Not for me. I fucked up, ‘Me, I really did.”

Some voices get clearer in the background and I recognize Samuel’s British accent.

“I have to go,” he sighs. “Just say something…”

“You’re a liar,” I rasp. “I hate you.”

“At least you still feel something for me.”

I hang up.

Because maybe I do.

My heart is broken. It’s not all Nathan. It’s a mix of him, Jake, my own decisions, my friendship with Emily that we’ve both let fade to nothing. And missing my mom. I miss her so deeply right now.

I put my phone and book to the side and choose sleep over everything else. Anxiety fights me on this decision, but I eventually fade to darkness.

My phone ringing wakes me up. My heart skips a beat, fear gripping me, and my brain goes to the worst scenario: it has to be about my mom. Something terrible happened.

“Hello?” I answer in a groggy voice.

“Open the door.”

“Nathan?”

“Now, before I break your window.”

Wide awake, I jump out of bed and run to the front door, my heart beating frantically against my ribcage. My brain is shouting that he is more than capable of breaking my window.

I open the door in one rushed movement and my eyes widen on their own accord before the image in front of me actually hits my brain; Nathan is standing tall, his dark blond hair completely disheveled, his lean muscles tensing with anger. But the main two things that petrify me are his blood-covered shirt, and his right hand casually holding a gun.

“You stupid girl,” he growls. He bumps into me as he gets in, grabs my upper arm tightly, and drags me along with him. He slams the door shut as fear grips my insides.

“Wh-wh-what are you doing? What happened to you?” I stammer.

“Why don’t you tell me what the hell you think you’re doing?” he asks, his voice cold as ice.

He knows. He knows I slept with Jake. He knows my heart always wanted his brother. He’s dangerous, he’s going to hurt me…

“I was ecstatic when you called, ‘Me. There it was, my chance to make it up to you. I rushed over here like the fucking fool I am. Now imagine my surprise when I get to your house in the middle of the night and find a fucking Wolf watching your house. Watching you.”

Fear seizes me tighter than his hold on me.

“You’re still looking for your brother, aren’t you? Are you out of your fucking mind?” he insists after my silence. The ache emanating from his strong hand disappears as my blood runs cold. Of course I am still looking for my brother, but he never knew I was looking for him in the first place.

“I never told you I was looking for him,” I gulp.

“I did.” Sam’s British accent resonates behind me.

I snap my head toward the kitchen, where he stands leaning against the counter, hands in his pockets, big, tattooed arms bulging under his tight black tee.

I don’t wonder how he got in, the open kitchen door that leads to our small patio tells me everything.

“How did you kn–”

“Rose told him about the stolen phone. Don’t mind Sam, he only came to help me get rid of a dead Wolf. Now focus on me.”

I know it doesn’t take a genius to guess why I would have stolen Rose’s burner phone. Jake had guessed it, why wouldn’t they? But the fact that they all know I’m still looking for Aaron makes me uneasy.

“I thought you were a smart girl,” Nathan seethes. “Didn’t the night at the café teach you anything? Volkov and his men are dangerous. They’re not funny sort of dangerous, they’re not Jake’s childish bullying sort of dangerous. They’re deadly. I know you’re dying to put your nose in everything that is remotely interesting to you but how about you try to live past your eighteenth birthday?”

How did I ever think Nathan was one of the good ones? Watching him right now, bloody, holding a gun, and using my weaknesses as a way to make fun of me after I opened up to him about how much I missed my brother…I want to scream, to cry, to throw myself at him and scratch his face bloody. I would if I were brave. I’m not, so I fume on the inside and grit my teeth when I reply.

“Looking for Aaron is more than ‘remotely interesting’ to me.”

He laughs - he fucking laughs at me - as he lets go of my arm. “Stay here,” he orders before heading toward the hallway.

I don’t. I follow him even if he’s not looking back. I don’t make it one step. Sam is already in front of me, his huge form completely blocking me. I step to the side and he follows silently, making sure I can’t go around him.

“You are so tough, Samuel. Such strong men, you and your boss. Two big, brave men against one dangerous five-foot girl.”

I hear things being moved around in my room. I try to slide left and he blocks me again. It makes him chuckle.

“Hilarious,” I fume.

But he doesn’t say anything.

“What are you doing?” I feel myself paling as I see Nathan walk back into the living area with a shoe box.

Not any shoe box.

The one I keep hidden under my bed, the one that contains the very limited bits of information I have about Volkov. He is an impossible man to find, but his men on the ground aren’t ghosts like him. They’re discreet, but I’m very nosy.

“Nathan,” I panic as he heads to the kitchen with the box. He puts it on the counter next to the empty sink. I follow after him, but before I can reach him, Samuel grabs both my shoulders and pulls my back to his chest. He slips an arm around my neck and I feel like I’m being suffocated by a boa constrictor. His arm is huge enough to completely stop me from moving any further. He’s not squeezing hard at all, but my airways constrict at the size of his biceps against my neck.

“Let go of me,” I rage, hitting his arm with both my hands. It’s like a mouse fighting a lion. I stand no chance whatsoever.

Nathan puts the gun on the counter and opens the box. He takes out the pair of old sneakers I had left in there to hide my secret and takes out the small notepad. He opens it and chuckles.

“Volkov’s club in Silver Falls is Vue. Private sex club,” he mimics my voice. “Samuel Thomas equals against Wolves. Diaz brothers not selling for Volkov anymore. Man from the café is Dimitri.” He laughs so hard I wince. “Fuck, ‘Me, you’re a real detective, aren’t you? You even wrote that Garcia-Diaz is Volkov’s bribed attorney here in Stoneview. How did you figure that one out?”

“We tried to get her help after I was shot. She refused, advised us to ‘not go against powerful men like him’.” Why am I telling him the truth?

“Interesting,” he nods. “Your information is outdated, she’s my bribed attorney now.” His eyes move as they read along the lines of my notes. I don’t have much, it’s little things I have picked up with time. Little notes I made when I would lie to everyone that I was not looking into it. This is all I have. I keep it hidden so my mom doesn’t find it.

“There are a lot of notes in here, Jamie.” His voice has turned darker, lower, and I tremble. His eyes widen slightly when he reads a new page and I wriggle in Samuel’s hold. I found something. Something real. Something he knows about Volkov and that I got right.

“What is it?” I struggle some more, desperately trying to get an answer. My heart picks up, I need to know. “Nathan, what is it?”

He throws the notepad to the side and reaches in his back pocket, pulling out a cigarette pack. “Tell me, beautiful. What’s the big plan? You gather all these shit notes. Then what? You find Volkov?” He lights up a cigarette and takes a drag before going back to his little speech. “Let’s say you find him. What do you do then? You go to him and force him to tell you what happened to your brother? You seduce him into telling you his darkest secrets?”

He takes another drag and smiles at me. Not the warm kind he used to give me, the freezing kind that makes me shiver again. “Stealing Ozy’s phone so you could talk to Sam.” He laughs again. “Sam doesn’t fucking know where Volkov is. I don’t know. No one does. That’s the whole point of his business tactics. You think curious Jamie Williams from Stoneview Prep is going to find him? You stupid, naïve girl.”

He takes his lighter again and grabs the notepad.

“Nathan!” I panic. “Don’t. Don’t do this, please.” He looks at me with no emotions in his eyes. Nothing, not even the slightest regret. “Nathan…this is the only thing I have left, the only thing linking me to Aaron.”

He doesn’t even react. He simply lights up the paper and watches it burn with a sadistic smirk, then lets it fall in the sink when the flame reaches his fingers.

The sob that wrecks my chest is so loud I feel Sam shifting behind me. Tears spring in my eyes and I let them fall freely. I don’t even fight back against Sam’s arm anymore. There’s nothing to do.

Nathan takes long strides toward me and grabs my jaw tightly, making me wince in the process.

“To say I’m pissed at you would be the understatement of the century. It’s a big bad world out there, Jamie. Careless girls who look into the Wolves get killed. And guess what? I have other shit to do than to look out for you. I have other shit to do than kill a fucking Wolf who thought it was a good idea to keep a close eye on you. In your own home.”

Another sob passes tightly through my throat, but he doesn’t care. “Are you listening to me?” He insists by tightening his grip. “Stay away from the Wolves. You think your brother is the first man Volkov had killed? Get over it.” The coldness in his voice breaks my heart all over again.

I watch helplessly as the flames die in the sink, the last notes I had regarding Volkov and the Wolves gone.

“You were meant to love me,” I rasp.

He lets go of my face and takes a step back, finally showing emotions. It’s rage, it’s…sadness? “Go wait in the car, Sam.”

It only takes him about three seconds to execute. Now free to move, I try to stand tall in front of Nathan. I never noticed how intimidating he could be. As soon as the front door is closed his hand flies to the back of my neck, and he grips me hard enough to make me scream in surprise. He pulls me toward him, steps to the side and I land face first against the counter. He keeps me bent over, his hand a warning not to move.

“I’m just really fucking sick of all this blame you put on me. You were meant to love me back,” he growls. “I guess all this fooling around with my brother changed your mind. It’s a really believable cover you put on, isn’t it? That untouched, goody-two-shoes persona.” His knee pushes my legs apart and I gasp when his thigh settles against my leggings-clad pussy. It feels good, that’s undeniable. But it’s not what I want, not after what he just did. I’ve never hated someone more than I do him now.

“I–”

“You are nothing but a little slut, so desperate for cock you had to go get it somewhere else.”

He presses harder and I cry out. A mix of pain, pleasure, and deep angst coming to the surface. His hand close to my face smells of that particular copper tang of blood.

“Stop,” I whimper.

“What’s wrong? You wanted my dick in that cunt for so long, beautiful. God, it must have been so horrible for you, begging like a bitch in need to two different guys.”

“I get it, Nathan. You’re mad,” I rage. “You’re mad because I put myself in danger, you’re mad because I was attracted to Jake while I was with you. Now imagine how I feel that our relationship was based on nothing but lies. Every single day you lied to my face.” I brace my hands against the counter and try to push myself up, harder this time, but he pushes me back down harshly enough that I whimper when my cheek hits the counter again.

“Let me go!” I cry out. “We weren’t good for each other. You made your point.”

For a second, I think he’s going to do something violent again. Nothing happens until I feel his breath on my cheek. His grip loosens slightly, and his voice has gone back to a leveled vibration. “You know what’s great, ‘Me?” he chuckles in my ear, like preparing himself for a sick joke. “You are so infatuated with Jake…” I can hear the smile in his voice when he talks again. “…and he will inevitably break your heart.”

I groan a wordless complaint and he tightens his grip on me. “Can I tell you a secret, beautiful?” He doesn’t wait for me to reply. “I still haven’t decided if I still love you, or if I want to hurt you real, real bad for betraying me.”

“If you want to hurt me so bad, why did you just kill someone for me?”

He grunts in anger as he suddenly lets me go and pulls away from me. Yeah, I thought he wouldn’t have a reply to that.

“You’re done looking for your brother, Jamie. Because next time a Wolf comes after you, I won’t fucking save you.”

I push up and my eyes land on the ashes in the sink. “You burnt it all,” I whisper in unbelievable sadness.

He stays silent for a few seconds, his breathing going from angry panting to slow, calm breaths. Now that he’s calmed down, I can almost hear him gulping as I turn around to him, tears streaking my cheeks.

We look at each other in silence, ashamed of what we’ve become. I think he’s probably thinking the same as me, how could we have been so horrible to the other? We’ve shown our nastiest sides unapologetically and now we pay the consequences.

“It had to be done.” His last words are barely audible. “I’m sorry.”

There is nothing left to be said, and so he slowly turns around and leaves my house, walking around the kitchen bar and through the door in no particular rush.